so soothing

classical music....namely, at the moment, a piece from Star Wars Episode II. The chase through Coruscant...anyway, still down, despite the music....it's eating away at me. I need to hit bottom, so I'm going to skip the zoloft for a day or two so I can do that. I'll feel better afterwards, but being on this low plateau (hey, I rhymed) is killing me. Erin said something today about how there's nothing wrong with being single, and I shouldn't expect to find someone to marry at my age...very true. But that information does nothing for me. All it says to me is that I'd better get used to my loneliness because it's going to be here for a long time. Sucks. I often wonder how long I can last like this, before I just fall apart because I can't take it anymore...and then in the darkest corners of my mind, I wonder if finding companionship will help at all. Scary. But yeah, my posts for the next few days are liable to be dark...just trying to hit bottom.

staring over the edge

of that lovely little hole called depression. I suspect it will be one of those nights where I cry myself to sleep. I feel like it's eating away at who I am...this battle between drugs and nature...medication and depression. I would rather be all the way in either direction versus in the middle like I am. Loneliness is always gnawing at me, particularly tonight. Remember that psychological trigger that I talked about before, violence against women? well, ashamedly, I willingly subjected myself to something along those lines, and I feel disgusted and disgusting, and of course, lonely....you know, it's funny, when you're lonely, it's easy to figure out what love language is most important to you...just thinking about what would make you feel better.....to be completely honest, at the risk of sounding cliche and stupid, but I'm serious, I just need a hug from someone who cares about me....someone who loves me, and someone I love....I do feel stupid though for having said it. Patience is a virtue, but that doesn't mean I have to enjoy the wait....I'm sick of repeating the old lines of what I want....just so frustrated, so lonely....I hate the way I feel....

i'm tired

so this will probably be short. went bowling with alex today, did pretty good, got my game back. Erin said I'm somewhat attractive physically...I'm flattered, that's news to me....now if I can just find someone at campbell who thinks the same way, that wouldn't hurt...dang I can't stop yawning...I'll just stop.

oh, what to do...

I'm bored. I was hoping Erin would message me or something...I'm not all that tired, but I don't feel like starting a new book...I did put up some more pictures of me on my MySpace.com profile. By the way, for some of you reading this that are probably now confused, I post the same thing on both my Blogger blog and my MySpace.com blog. Anyway...I hope I sleep better tonight than I did last night. Maybe I'll go play guitar for a while...I feel like talking to someone, but there's no one...Why have I been on a constant low for weeks now? Particularly the past several days. Same issue...I think I just need to get back to school...be around my friends....but that's still a few weeks off. Who'd have thought I'd miss school? Wonder if I'll find someone to take with me to the Spring formal? Megan offered, but I would feel awkward taking someone that already has a boyfriend. That's just me. Reminds me of the time in January where Ashley (my asst. manager at Baskin-Robbins) offered to go to prom with me...even though she was married...hey, she was only 19, k? Nikki, my first girlfriend, is older than her. But I turned that down too...even more awkward..."hey, can I take your wife to my senior prom?"
Anywhat, going to the gym tomorrow with Alex, maybe get him his Christmas present from the knife place, and he can get me mine. I'm leaving in the morning, hopefully before 10am. I'll finally be able to get on my messengers again, see what Faith and Keri have been up to.

I don't know why....

I swallowed a fly...not really. Or I could substitute another quote there "I don't know why...it makes me sad." Which would be more accurate. *sigh* what is wrong with me these days? Do I just enjoy the pain I inflict upon myself by exposing myself to things that get me depressed? I don't know. Slightly different topic, Erin said that I need to find something about myself that I can love. Well, perhaps I wasn't specific enough during the times when I've said that I hated myself. SPECIFICALLY, I hate the physical aspects of my body. If you read the survey on my profile page, you would see that I do not consider myself attractive whatsoever. All of me on the inside? I find a lot worth loving. Like she said, I'm intelligent, compassionate. I'm a good guitar player, been told I'm a great singer, I'm a rather witty character (just call my phone in my dorm room and listen to the answering machine message ;)). All of the above qualities, or so I've been told, girls find attractive. So why do they seem to treat me like kryptonite? Perhaps I have an idea, or perhaps one of my former best friends did...she told me upfront that I wasn't attractive whatsoever (which wasn't why we are no longer best friends....it's just that after she left my school two years ago, haven't heard a word from her). Could it be that I'm right for once, that shallowness has become such a plague in this society that even decent people succumb to its poison? Perhaps. It's even affected me to some extent, I'll admit it. Though my standards are fairly low in the physical attractiveness department, I don't deny that I take it into account. Though, I seem to have the redeeming trait of being able to see the physical beauty in just about any female, regardless of what they look like...granted, there are exceptions, but they are few. What matters a great deal is how they treat me. For example, somebody on the physical attractiveness level of Jessica Alba versus an average girl, if the former treats me like pond scum (nasty stuff, I know from experience), and the latter is really sweet and treats me like I matter to her, the latter girl is going to get the "beautiful" rating from me, while the former, Jessica Alba look-alike is going to have to settle for just "pretty"....I just wish someone would think of me the way I would about the average girl...but, hey, I play it safe, I'm a pessimist. Not going to happen.

ah, Christmas eve...

It is indeed. We decided to exchange gifts this evening so as to be able to sleep in tomorrow morning. I got those Demon Hunter CD's I wanted. Sad that I should feel down at this time of year, particularly on Christmas Eve. But I do. Apparently Chrisanne has found my blog and has read it, but I don't care, as long as my mom does not...that's part of the reason why I changed the address. She wanted to know how she could help me. Well there are a very select few who can, like I said yesterday, and they're not here right now. They can help me deal with my problem, my quandary. A lot of people can take my mind off of it, if you consider that help, sure, then she can help me. Distractions are good.
I am becoming more and more disgusted with the idealism of one girl meant for me, the "soulmate" concept....how can a pessimist/realist like me believe in something like that? But then comes the next question...if I'm never going to find someone that's "perfect" for me, then does that mean I have to take what I can get? That phrase implies that I end up with something that is inferior to my standards, to my wants. Granted, perhaps some are unrealistic, given my low level of physical attractiveness, but I'm not willing to sacrifice on my wants and needs in the emotional realm. I suppose that's a given, considering that a marriage wouldn't be able to work if we didn't have a strong emotional relationship...but that brings me back to the question of, how many people are compatible with me? There's a difference between friendship and love, and there has to be both in a love relationship for it to be successful....you have to be able to both "like" (ie, can talk to them and do stuff with them like they were your best friend) and "love" (I think that's self-explanatory) them.
*sigh* I know I'm bordering on obsession here, but I can't help myself. Let me get burned, let painful experience force me to reevaluate my situation, I don't care. If I end up changing my mind about this whole thing because I got hurt too bad, fine. But that's not how it is right now....all my reality is how I feel right now...

hopeless, but somewhat satisfied.

I did manage to successfully edit my poetry blog, go over and take a look. I had to change it so I could delete this stupid advertisement in my comments section on "The King of Hearts". But, alas, I'm still depressed. Didn't feel like telling Chrisanne and my dad about it, they can't really help...there are some that can, but they are not here now, and I have no way to talk to them right now. It's just the usual hitting me a little harder right now. Just stuff I've seen on TV, pictures online, and this story I'm writing...and the employees at the deli. You know, I watched that show "Close to Home" tonight...very interesting. It was about a college kid that drugged a girl and kidnapped her...he was obsessed with her, stalked her, but he claimed that he loved her and would never hurt her. People like that are sad. I can understand very well his pain of loneliness, as that is what afflicts me as well, just as bad. But I'm not as weak as him. I would never allow myself to stoop to such a selfish, despicable act. I would not obsess over someone, stalk them, anything like that. I may be weak, but I'm not that weak. I'm weak enough that I cannot cure my own depression, I can't stop myself from feeling lonely, I can't sometimes keep myself from cutting to relieve the internal angst that loneliness causes me. Loneliness wasn't the reason I tried to kill myself a year and a half ago, guilt was the reason, but I'm not going into that. But, loneliness has made me want to die. I know from that experience, however, that I don't have the willpower to kill myself. Nor would I let myself be committed to an institution for depression and suicidal tendencies. No, I would bury my feelings in an attempt to appear under control to the outside world, while I let them fester in my soul, probably causing at some point the destruction of who I am. I would either snap and revert to my criminal personality type (serial killer, by the way...everyone has a criminal personality type), or break me, and I would simply die because my body would not longer be able to handle the stress....yes, it is possible to die of a broken heart. It is common knowledge in the medical field that if a patient has no will to live, they will die in a situation where they would have had a good chance at survival.
*sigh*, I know my thoughts of a soulmate relationship is idealistic, but is it really that farfetched? I mean, that relationship is the most emotionally intimate relationship that one can experience.
Sometimes I wonder what God is doing in all of this, if He is even doing anything. Impossible to know, of course. The idea of two people being "meant" for each other, that God foreordained their relationship, I don't believe it. Not Biblical. Though, it does provide comfort if you do belive it. Lately, particularly this past semester, it seems like every time I find someone I like, within a week, I find some irrefutable reason why I shouldn't try to start anything, either they're moving, or I find out something that takes away my interest in them. Is this the hand of God? Once again, there's no way of knowing. But in the back of my mind, I still remember that dream I had a couple of years ago, a voice telling me that in my sophomore year of college, I would meet the girl that I'm supposed to marry, and that I would know when I did. I have had one prophetic dream before, one showing something in someone's past that I could not have known, and I asked them about it, and it was true. Could this be another one? I certainly hope it is. You know why? Because I took college classes in high school, I am returning to college this coming semester as a sophomore. But of course, I'm a pessimist. I'm hurting now, badly, and my only real hope is in a dream that is probably no more than that? That's not worth much at all.

no subject

yeah...sort of a blah day, I suppose. Feeling lonely. Tired. Blah. Helped my dad work on Wendy's deck. We are going to continue that tomorrow. Right now we're putting up the rails. I did something stupid and forgot my Abilify, so I won't have it the rest of the time I'm here. But, I will stop the risperdal on time, regardless. That would be...tomorrow as my last dose. yay. Like I said yesterday, I'd just like to go off of everything entirely. One interesting thing of note, you know how I like to start conversations online with people I don't know...well, I did it again, someone that likes to debate religious and political points, and we seem to have several things in common, so we'll probably get along. She told me that she is currently questioning her beliefs, so we'll see if I can guide her along the same path I have discovered...the one abandoning tradition, the one dedicated to the Truth, no matter what that is. I know there is an absolute truth. I have faith that God and His Word is that Truth. But, instead of just accepting what I've been taught about what the Bible means, I've been looking at what Dr. Metz has taught me about science, and what the Bible says, and I've found that they only contradict if I interpret the Bible the way I've been taught to. But, if I look at what is written, and stop trying to read between the lines, I find that they don't contradict at all. The Bible is not a scientific document. That's not its purpose. Therefore, it leaves out a lot of details that science fills in. People take the Bible and interpret it by traditional standards, for example: Creation happened in one earth week, and therefore the Earth is only about 6000 years old. Does the Bible say or imply that the days of creation were consecutive? No. In fact, when the earth was created in Genesis 1:1, there is no mention of a passage of time between that verse and the next. So, there could be a huge gap of time in between, and we wouldn't know, because the Bible doesn't say. It doesn't have to say. In fact, the only thing it really needs to say is that God created the earth. That's the point. We don't know the method He used. When the Bible says "it was so", how exactly did it become to be "so"? When God spoke, what happened? Could it have formed slowly, whatever it was, and then the evening and morning part occur at the end? don't know. But it should be taken into consideration. You cannot deny fact because your faith tells you it isn't so. You can have faith in God, yes. No amount of science can disprove God's existence, just as no science can conclusively PROVE His existence. Common descent (the idea that all species developed from another different species, ie: fish into reptiles into birds into mammals, apes into man) is a theory only, it cannot be proved, because science is all about observation, and it is such a slow process that we cannot observe one species developing into a completely different one. There is ample evidence to support natural selection, however. Natural selection, or evolution, if you will, is simply the changes in the gene pool of a species over time. It occurs, it is observable. For instance, viruses and bacteria become immune to drugs that previously killed them off. Why? Because a small portion of the population had a mutation that allowed it to survive, and when the others were killed off, only it was left to reproduce, and all of it's offspring were also immune. Now, there is little to no evidence that these changes occur to the point where, like I said before, you get fish into reptiles into birds, etc. It's still possible though. But even if it happened, I believe it was God's way of creating life on this planet. But why would God confuse us like that? Are you blaming it on Him? If that is the case, then WE misinterpreted the Bible, it's not God's fault. How do I know God was involved in the process? It is simply a fact that life can only come from other life. That is the way of the natural universe. That is where the atheistic view of the origin of life hits its fatal flaw. They cannot explain how life on this planet began, because it is an impossibility for nonliving components to come together to create a living organism. Scientists have tried to make it happen, and they can't. And if they can't, in experiments designed to make it happen, then what makes them think that it can happen by random chance?

Anyways, that ends my rant. Mull it over, eh? I believe God created the world and the life in it. How exactly He did it, the Bible doesn't say, so I don't really care. That's for science to figure out.

no comic today

I'm at my dad's, so I'm using their computer, and I don't feel like transfering a pic from my laptop to this computer. We had a conversation about my mental problems. Chrisanne theorizes that they come from my experiences with Jerry. Unresolved issues. Well, I agree, though, I'm not sure how to resolve them. Well, I have an idea...I was always intimidated by him when I was younger...but now...I suppose that lingering inferiority complex and fear of him would be resolved if I were to have a confrontation with him and not back down, not be afraid of him. Don't know when that will happen, though. Probably will if he moves back in with my mom and I have to see him on a regular basis. I hope, though, that it isn't for a long time. As for the rest of my medications, I would like to go off of them. I finally have friends that will support me (female friends are great for that, for some reason, a male's male friends just aren't the support type), people like Faith, Keri, and Megan. I think I can handle my depression without the drugs...and then I might actually be able to lose all of this fat. My dad mentioned that even if I do find someone that will love me and vice-versa, I will still run into problems that might get me depressed. He also mentioned that my depression might be purely situational, that there might not be any chemical imbalance causing it. I don't believe the second part, but I do the first. However, as long as I have support, I will be fine. And I don't see why people worry about me when I'm depressed. I've tried to kill myself, and I just don't have the willpower to do so, so I'm not really a danger to myself...I may end up going back to cutting, but again, it's not really harmful as long as I'm sanitary about it...I do wash the knife and the cuts. Of course, I'm being hypocritical here, I suppose. I would be worried about one of my friends doing those things...more so my female friends than my male friends....I know plenty of girls that cut, but the only guy I know besides me is Brian. And females are statistically more likely to commit suicide than males. But I guess the point is, I don't care about it when I do it, but I do care when my friends do it, or even just an acquaintance or a complete stranger. I just feel the need to help. Females are more receptive to help than are males. Guys like to solve their own problems, girls look to others for assistance, they expect it, in a way. Girls look out for each other, guys just say it's no big deal and blow it off as nothing. I didn't believe it either, but look at it. You see girls getting together and going out for something, and what do they do? they talk about their problems, and the others give them moral support. What do guys do? Being one myself, I find myself saying things like "Ah, don't worry about it" when other guys talk to me about problems, just as a conversation. If I were actually counselling someone, i wouldn't do that, but just as friends, yeah, most guys do that. Fascinating, isn't it? That's why I want to be a psychologist.
Well, I'll go for now.

that's odd....

hmm...wonder why I'm on heavy antidepressants, and I'm depressed? I don't know, do I? maybe they don't work...yeah. Feeling of general inadequacy tonight...and that can't be spelled right....maybe it is....Today was a good day though, I suppose. I got the FM adapter for my iPod. Went to the gym today, I finally got to listen to my music at the gym. I even got my grades today, 5 A's and two B's, I was happy, it was what I wanted. But still....
Inadequate as in, not that I can't handle the tasks in front of me, but I just feel rather worthless. I feel like I need to do something worthwhile...maybe I'll feel better when I go with the other volunteers tomorrow caroling, like we did today, but tomorrow I told them I'd bring my guitar along...perhaps that's what I'll do...work on those songs for a little bit...even though it's past midnight.

can't....breathe....

through my nose that is. Got my iPod today, it's awesome...I'll take it with me to the gym tomorrow. I'm supposed to meet Alex there a little after 4pm. I go to my dad's on Tuesday. I need to get a car converter for the iPod though, what I had picked out before, stupid me, was not a converter, it was something to hold the iPod in place. Well, semi-good news, I guess, I haven't been gaining weight, but I can't seem to lose it either. I'll see how much I can burn off tomorrow. Recall what I said before? One pound of fat=3500 Calories. So, for every 3500 I burn more than I take in, I lose one pound. Hopefully they'll have the bikes up and running, because I hate using a treadmill, I can't walk naturally on them, or run, I have to hold on to the rails or else I lose my balance.....that's why I prefer the bikes. when it gets warmer in a few months, I'll start running again. it's just to friggin cold out to run right now. I'm going to get alex a knife for christmas, and he said he'd get me a tactical baton. maybe we can do that tomorrow, go to the place where we can get both and do the exchange right there. hmm, I'm talking to Jessica for the first time in a while....I think I'll go pay attention to that for a while.

still losing

But we're going to surrender. In good news, in the joint-forum we have with them, they started a game of Connect Four....and we've won both games we've played. Hm...other than that, I hate that I'm fat, disgusted with my eating, generally hate me, think I'm disgusting...I'll try to go back to the gym on monday...have to go before volunteering though....but I can't do that, because then I'll be sweaty and tired...but to go afterward means a huge crowd...maybe...perhaps she'll let me off a bit early so I can get there ahead of some of the other people. Then maybe I can meet alex there...
I wish I could go off of the meds...for some odd reason, i miss being depressed....it helped me loose weight, and I write a lot better when I'm depressed, and I'm more motivated to do stuff...antidepressants and stuff don't necessarily make you better or normal...they make you apathetic, so that you don't care about the problems in your life. It's like novacaine for the soul...and I don't want to be numb....I want to feel the pain, I want to be able to know when it's really cured....I just want to be who I am, unmedicated me is the best me.

we're losing...badly....

War in Utopia. EVERY TIME people demand a war, we get a war, and what do they do? they sit on their butts....no, they bend over and take it right up the anus. In a kingdom of 25, we have less than 10 contributing to the war effort.
In other news, I'm going to see Chronicles of Narnia again with Alex, Seth, their mom, and my mom...I wish Audrey (their sister, not the one I went to see it with the first time) were coming...she needs to get out more, seriously....just go out and do something once in a while instead of being holed up in her room. I get my iPod sunday, I'm just...shaking..with anticipation. Actually, it will be nice to not have to switch CD's in my car all of the time...because I'm getting a car adapter with it. Double yay. um....I think I need to sleep....

ha ha!

I dealt justice today in Utopia. Nemo me impune lacessit! in case you don't know, that's a line from Edgar Allan Poe's "The Cask of Amontillado" meaning "No one strikes me with impunity". The guy did a massacre on me, so I did a round of spells and lowered his networth 18,000gc. I was happy. And you know what? I'm going to do that to him everyday until the war is over. This is going to be the best cripple fight ever, lol. I believe that made my day...
In other news, I believe that comic I posted earlier is a repeat....my apologies, I will pick a new one for tonight. I went to a church social thing with my class tonight, it was pretty fun. Played "Apples to Apples", awesome game. Also had a white elephant gift exchange, I ended up with a can of fish steaks and chili peppers....anyways, that's all I feel like writing tonight.

fascinating...

yeah...in my last post, there is a comment, and in that comment, there is a link. Click on it, a fascinating story about European stupidity. It seems that in Gov. Arnold S. (not even I am sure of how to spell that last name) hometown, they are removing his name from a stadium and putting in the name of Stanley Tookie Williams...yeah, so read the story.
Didn't get anything accomplished today that I wanted to. So, I have to do it tomorrow. Going bowling and take Brian's bass in to get the neck adjusted. Volunteered at the hospital today. I had to get a TV from this one guy's room, and he was disgustingly fat. Not pretty to look at. But what was worse was the smell. I don't know if that was what he was eating, or just the way he smelled, but I about lost my small lunch. Trying hard to cut back on my eating. I'm also going to the gym tomorrow. No more quesadillas or chicken sandwiches...just wraps for me, with 97% fat free meat....to be honest, the whole wrap with everything has practically no saturated fat. You know what's ironic is that though I have a gut, I have rock solid abs underneath...if I could just lose the fat...I'm going to skip the zoloft again tonight, that makes three nights...I'll have to start flushing them if this goes on long enough...but it probably won't....you see, the zoloft doesn't fix my depression as well as it should, but a certain side effect keeps a particular something in check....but if I take the medicine, I go back to eating too much....*sigh* gluttony or lust? both are bad....maybe if I can fill my stomach with stuff that has little or no nutritional value...I can satisfy the eating urge, but not gain weight. but there's no such thing...maybe I can invest in some fruit tomorrow. Cans upon cans, bags upon bags....wait, we have some apples, I think, plush those bananas I have to eat tomorrow, or they'll be too far gone to do anything with except make banana bread....odd question, why is it that bananas essentially constipate you? I thought they had fiber? well, I'm going to have to get some more of those supplements anyways...maybe I can get some wheat bread....ok, this is turning into a grocery list, I need to stop. hey, but maybe I can do something that I haven't done in a while...post a comic!

humdiggle

Something I said today. I cannot breathe through my nose. I have to change my witch doctor...I mean, psychiatrist appointment because that's when I go in to complete my registration for next semester. Volunteering starts tomorrow at the hospital. We now have the white rat, aka Recon, Brian's dog, at our house for three weeks. Lovely. Mr. Whining-butt, I call him. That dog whines more than any dog I've ever seen, it drives me nuts.
You know, that Stanley Tookie Williams character, he got executed. And tons of people pleaded for clemency for him. Why? Because he wrote some kids' books about staying out of gangs. ok...then someone nominated him for Nobel Prizes in Peace and Literature a few years back....for writing kids books?! Why don't you just make him Saint Tookie while you're at it? Sounds like a great idea, doesn't it? People claim that he should have gotten clemency because he was a changed man. Well, let's look at a list of his crimes and we'll see if writing kids' books should get him off of the hook. He was tried and found guilty of the murders of four people he killed back in the '70s or '80s, I don't remember...I think the trial was in the '80s though. One was a store clerk, the others a father, mother, and daughter who ran a hotel in Los Angeles. Guilty. Jury gave him the death penalty. That alone should get him executed, no matter how many kids' books he wrote. Then there's the almost trivial (note the sarcasm) fact that he founded one of the most notorious gangs in America, the Crips. They're everywhere, including my hometown of Fayetteville. They trashed the public high school next to my private school a number of years ago. Oh, and should I mention that he still claims he's innocent, and never apologized for the murders? Does this man deserve clemency? NO!!!!
Even if he was "reformed", he should still have been executed. No matter how much you say you're sorry, you still have to pay for what you did. The law is the law, no exceptions. Some might say that this is not Christian-like. It is. God is just. His mercy allows us to accept His gift of salvation, but He still required payment for the crimes we commited against him. Jesus paid that price. That He allowed Jesus to die for us is His mercy to us. But, THE PRICE HAS TO BE PAID. That is why capital punishment is ok from a Christian point of view.

I feel...nothing...again

Yeah, one of those times when I feel nothing, and I hate feeling nothing. I'm not going to take the zoloft tonight...though, that may not be a good idea, since I'm going bowling tomorrow....you know, the whole spontaneous anger thing. But it's for the best though...keep my eating down...I've got to get off of it entirely...I just need to crash, last time I did was when I lost weight....lost 25lbs, to be precise. It was wonderful. oi, busy with Utopia stuff...trying to decide who to go to war with. I kinda wish there was someone on to talk to, but I don't know what I would say. Lonely, tired....I guess that could describe my mood. and I wish I hadn't wasted all of my mana in Utopia...strike that....you know, I'm starting to think that mana doesn't affect your likelihood of spell success....it just limits the number of spells you can cast...so I went and cast some spells, and I'm happy....somewhat....I'm going to go play Dynasty Warriors for a few....I just want to cripple someone in Utopia...it's been so long since I've gotten to cripple someone....lol.

no title for you

I'm tired, bored, lonely....Audrey said my away message was dark, and it was, really....lyrics from "Not Ready To Die" by Demon Hunter.


And everyday of my life I can feel it getting harder to breathe
With every minute ticking by I'm getting ready to leave
I know a life like mine is not a reason to fret
But I've been busy making scars that you will never forget
I'm not ready to lay, not ready to fade
I'm not ready to die

Further proof that everyone has their own hell....I'm not in mine right now, but I'm standing at the brink, hoping I don't get pushed in...or jump in....
Love is a treasure, one that's very hard to find...and there's a lot of fake love out there being offered by people, and that's why a lot of relationships end unhappily. the love wasn't real. Of course, there are those like me who are searching without a map...haven't the slightest clue where I'm going to find a girl to love me, one that I'll love, doubt I will....but it would be so awesome if I did, despite my pessimism. I just feel like doors are getting slammed in my face, everytime I find someone that I'm interested in, something always happens that prevents it from happening...either they move, aren't looking for a relationship, or there's some sort of stunning revelation that makes me decide I don't like them, something like that. I don't have much faith that God is going to give me what I want here....I doubt. Something this big, I have to see it to believe it....of course, what's there to believe? it's not like He's told me I'm going to find my soulmate....I haven't heard from Him one way or the other. He hasn't made any promises, so what is there to have faith in? I'd better stop and get off the computer, it's starting to look....spherical, and it's a flat screen...I just need sleep.

yeah, I know what I said

I was tired last night, okay?....of course, apparently I wasn't tired enough to not work on putting all my music onto iTunes in anticipation of getting that iPod. I was up till 2:15am. Of course, I slept till 11am...that's sort of been my diet plan, in a way....sleep late, and eat what I normally eat for breakfast, a bowl of cereal, for lunch, so I essentially skip a meal...which can save up to 1000 calories, depending on what I eat. that adds up fast, considering that a pound of fat is 3500 calories, so for every 3500 calories you burn more than you consume, you lose one pound of fat. That's why if you're trying to lose weight, you can eat what you want, as long as you burn more than you consume. I was doing running to try to increase my burning rate, but I stopped when the bottom fell out on the temperatures....I tried running when it was 50 degrees, and I got sick from it....so I have to wait until I can go to the gym...but in the mean time, cutting back on my intake will help...I believe I've already lost one or two pounds.
Faith came home with me today, she's enjoyed being here. I'm going to see if I can take her by The Hobbit tomorrow, if it's open. Dang, I'm tired...i think I'll just turn in early....

yes, everyday

That's the idea....try to post everyday. Well, saw the shrink today. Zoloft stays the same, dang it....up to 100mg of the Lamictal. Starting a new medicine called Abilify...after two weeks of that, I'm to stop taking the risperdal. I'm just going to have to try really hard to reprogram myself to stop eating...I may skip lunch tomorrow if I'm going to see that movie...Audrey (the one from Campbell) has yet to confirm that she's going with me...so I may just be going alone...which really sucks. I hate going to movies alone, even though this movie is going to be awesome. If that Audrey can't go...maybe Audrey Szigedi can go...if she's done with her classes by then...but I doubt it...but I can go over and check...Alex is in school, so he can't go...the movie's at 1pm. Everyone at campbell is either still in finals or has already gone home. I hate going to movies alone, it's depressing. I want to be able to enjoy it with someone, doesn't have to be a date (although that would be nice), just a friend.
In other news, another side effect of skipping the zoloft (other than the dizziness) is spontaneous anger. The smallest things set me off, most of the time while i'm driving. the two times I had to drive today, I let loose enough words to make a one-eyed carpenter want to cover his ears....just stupid drivers on the road, traffic lights, and the fact that I couldn't get the bike rack off of my car. well, that's all for now.

ah, monsieur depression....

I feel his impending visit. I skipped my zoloft again last night, and I will do it again tonight. I see the shrink tomorrow, we'll see what he says, but I'm TIRED of being fat. I'm scared to weigh myself now. The only thing that can keep me from eating like I have been is crashing...which I hope to do by staying off of the zoloft. I know it scares some people, worries them, but oh well, can't please everyone. People tell me it's more important to be happy. Why can't they understand that no matter how many drugs I'm on, I'm not going to be happy if I'm fat? There is no such thing as a win-win situation here. It's not like I'm always going to be depressed if I'm off the meds. I have bad days, sometimes bad weeks, where I'm in a deep, dark hole emotionally, but other times I'm fine, like when I'm with friends...though, I won't be with friends for a while...well, excluding this weekend, going to see Chronicles of Narnia with Audrey on Friday, and Faith is coming home with me on Saturday, but....not until Alex gets out of school. So, we'll see how that goes.
*sigh* I'm just lonely, that's all. That's the problem. That it aggravates a chemical imbalance in my brain is beside the point. Is it too much to ask for a girl to love me, and me to love her? Reminds me of that song I wrote..."Will it ever be? Anyone for me?"

playing mood music

yeah...it feels like all of my doors are being shut in the "possibilities for relationship" department. For some reason, I just realize that there's no chance in hell that the people I'm interested in would ever be interested in me. *sigh* some would tell me that this is some sort of sign from God, that I definitely shouldn't be getting into a relationship right now because very soon I will meet the girl God wants me to be with...and I've taken that into consideration. But I don't like uncertainties. When will it be? not a clue. But, if I'm trying to go off the zoloft, at least I'll have my depression to keep me company. I'm leaving the "pill culture" as Foamy would say. I feel like talking to someone, but I don't know what I'd say even if there was someone to talk to...speak of the devil, Katie just got on.....lol, not going there....it's not like we parted on bad terms, far from it, but well....I'd just as soon avoid initiating an awkward conversation....not that'd I'd stop it from happening, but I don't like starting things if I'm not in control of the situation. Don't call me a control freak, everyone is the same way about things. People don't like being out of control of things. Now, the degree to which someone is able to control things does vary by person. By things, I really mean people. You can't control events, but you can control people, and that's not necessarily a bad thing...but I'm badly off topic.
let me take my pills real quick, then I'll get back to ranting. Okay, all drugged up. or, will be soon. I see the good doctor again Thursday afternoon. I'll see if I can talk him into just taking me off the medication, or at least work me down until I get off of it if I can't stop cold turkey. Just the zoloft though, not the risperdal...though, I wonder what he'll do about the lamictal...I'm up to 50mg, won't have gotten to the 100mg pills yet by the time I see him.
I just feel numb and alone...it hasn't reached the point of that crushing agony that I used to experience on a daily basis...just feels like the life has been drained out of me, life has become a gray, dull haze, very rarely punctuated by moments of light....I think the only point of light I had today was playing with the dogs. hmm, who's online.....Dusty's on, but I don't know her very well, and she doesn't know me enough to even care, probably...few do....there's Jason, we're friends, but he's just not someone I feel I can talk to...Amanda H., but last time I talked to her about my depression, she got upset because she felt she caused it after I told her how it all started....which is partially true, from a certain point of view, but that's not what I meant by it....Amber, but she's too apathetic, and I don't know her well enough anyways...Joe's too young, Keri's off with Rhone somewhere, and Faith's not on....Keri and Faith are probably the only two people on campus I would go to if I was feeling bad....like I am now....I feel dead. Sometimes I wish I were. I feel like I've lost purpose in life....I don't contribute to anyone's life, really....not that I've noticed. People could make it without me. heck I could make it without me....if you look at it the right way. Maybe I'm just tired....but I don't want to leave my music....I both welcome and fear the silence, though. Part of me wants to sink lower, hit rock bottom...part of me doesn't want to face the possibilities of the future....or the probabilities...like spending the rest of my life alone....if that's going to be the case, well, the rest of my life won't be more than ten more years or so...and the ending won't be of natural causes. Thirty's the magic number here. I made a promise, and I'm pretty good at keeping my promises...unless I forget, or oversleep or something like that...though, this is something that's pretty hard to forget, and even harder to oversleep. Yes, it's going to be one of those nights where I cry myself to sleep. Damn, I wish there was someone who could stop me....keep me from sinking...but there's no one....

such irony

yeah....I skipped my Zoloft last night, and I feel better...and I'm not hungry. Ah, what bliss. Exams next week, will be studying my butt off....I'm dreading the western civ. exam...50 ID's (out of about 500 possibilities) and 6-12 essays. The rest of my exams will be elementary compared to this one. There's just so much info to cram in....chemistry and biology, a lot of that applies to other things in the subject, so that, if you know how to do one thing, you can do another...it builds on itself. History, it's just a bunch of random facts thrown at you that you have to memorize. some have logical order, such as the progression of empires, you know, the major stuff...but all of the names, this artist, that artist, different writers, mathematicians, scientists, all of that insignificant stuff, I'm glad they contributed to society, but why do I have to know them? what exactly does it contribute to my quality of life to know who did what a thousand years ago? Nothing. It's not even interesting, like chemistry. and chemistry has modern applications, very useful applications. Historical trivia does not. About the only good it does is it makes for good questions on Jeopardy. Well, I'm bored, I'm going to bed, hopefully to have more interesting dreams....like I've been having...

insert disgusted-with-life sound here

I'm back to the old "i hate myself" routine....which I do. I'm fat, and I can't keep myself from eating. I'm tired of being fat and disgusting. I'm also tired of being alone. I figure the two are connected. You know, what's funny is I found someone today on Facebook that is also afraid of being alone...she lists that as her greatest fear. She's also looking for a relationship. hell, I suppose I'm desperate enough to talk to her...show her that we have something in common, and then I'll probably be shot down...again...
I hate the way my life is, I can't see it going on like this, the same way....I can't stand it. Either I'm going to have to die, or something major is going to have to change in my life, because I can't stand this status quo any more. I've been in this rut for two years now, and it seems like longer than that. I can't even remember what it's like to be....really happy....the cup of my life is more than half empty. more like three-quarters empty....
Why can't anyone see the pain I suffer? Why can't anyone help me? I'm crying right now. I know what I want, but I'm scared that I'll never get it, and no one's ever been able to convince me that I should even hope to be loved like that. I don't expect I will. People are a blur. They blend into the masses of humanity, and only a select few stand out. I seem to be one of them, judging by the reactions of others to me. My friends do as well. But even among those special few, the one who could love me must stand out more than the rest....I don't believe anyone is that kind of unique....sure there are unique individuals out there, but none who would be willing to love me. that's my view, and I'm sticking to it, unless, against all odds, I'm proven wrong. But I doubt that will happen.