I don't know why....

I swallowed a fly...not really. Or I could substitute another quote there "I don't know why...it makes me sad." Which would be more accurate. *sigh* what is wrong with me these days? Do I just enjoy the pain I inflict upon myself by exposing myself to things that get me depressed? I don't know. Slightly different topic, Erin said that I need to find something about myself that I can love. Well, perhaps I wasn't specific enough during the times when I've said that I hated myself. SPECIFICALLY, I hate the physical aspects of my body. If you read the survey on my profile page, you would see that I do not consider myself attractive whatsoever. All of me on the inside? I find a lot worth loving. Like she said, I'm intelligent, compassionate. I'm a good guitar player, been told I'm a great singer, I'm a rather witty character (just call my phone in my dorm room and listen to the answering machine message ;)). All of the above qualities, or so I've been told, girls find attractive. So why do they seem to treat me like kryptonite? Perhaps I have an idea, or perhaps one of my former best friends did...she told me upfront that I wasn't attractive whatsoever (which wasn't why we are no longer best friends....it's just that after she left my school two years ago, haven't heard a word from her). Could it be that I'm right for once, that shallowness has become such a plague in this society that even decent people succumb to its poison? Perhaps. It's even affected me to some extent, I'll admit it. Though my standards are fairly low in the physical attractiveness department, I don't deny that I take it into account. Though, I seem to have the redeeming trait of being able to see the physical beauty in just about any female, regardless of what they look like...granted, there are exceptions, but they are few. What matters a great deal is how they treat me. For example, somebody on the physical attractiveness level of Jessica Alba versus an average girl, if the former treats me like pond scum (nasty stuff, I know from experience), and the latter is really sweet and treats me like I matter to her, the latter girl is going to get the "beautiful" rating from me, while the former, Jessica Alba look-alike is going to have to settle for just "pretty"....I just wish someone would think of me the way I would about the average girl...but, hey, I play it safe, I'm a pessimist. Not going to happen.