insert disgusted-with-life sound here

I'm back to the old "i hate myself" routine....which I do. I'm fat, and I can't keep myself from eating. I'm tired of being fat and disgusting. I'm also tired of being alone. I figure the two are connected. You know, what's funny is I found someone today on Facebook that is also afraid of being alone...she lists that as her greatest fear. She's also looking for a relationship. hell, I suppose I'm desperate enough to talk to her...show her that we have something in common, and then I'll probably be shot down...again...
I hate the way my life is, I can't see it going on like this, the same way....I can't stand it. Either I'm going to have to die, or something major is going to have to change in my life, because I can't stand this status quo any more. I've been in this rut for two years now, and it seems like longer than that. I can't even remember what it's like to be....really happy....the cup of my life is more than half empty. more like three-quarters empty....
Why can't anyone see the pain I suffer? Why can't anyone help me? I'm crying right now. I know what I want, but I'm scared that I'll never get it, and no one's ever been able to convince me that I should even hope to be loved like that. I don't expect I will. People are a blur. They blend into the masses of humanity, and only a select few stand out. I seem to be one of them, judging by the reactions of others to me. My friends do as well. But even among those special few, the one who could love me must stand out more than the rest....I don't believe anyone is that kind of unique....sure there are unique individuals out there, but none who would be willing to love me. that's my view, and I'm sticking to it, unless, against all odds, I'm proven wrong. But I doubt that will happen.