playing mood music

yeah...it feels like all of my doors are being shut in the "possibilities for relationship" department. For some reason, I just realize that there's no chance in hell that the people I'm interested in would ever be interested in me. *sigh* some would tell me that this is some sort of sign from God, that I definitely shouldn't be getting into a relationship right now because very soon I will meet the girl God wants me to be with...and I've taken that into consideration. But I don't like uncertainties. When will it be? not a clue. But, if I'm trying to go off the zoloft, at least I'll have my depression to keep me company. I'm leaving the "pill culture" as Foamy would say. I feel like talking to someone, but I don't know what I'd say even if there was someone to talk to...speak of the devil, Katie just got on.....lol, not going there....it's not like we parted on bad terms, far from it, but well....I'd just as soon avoid initiating an awkward conversation....not that'd I'd stop it from happening, but I don't like starting things if I'm not in control of the situation. Don't call me a control freak, everyone is the same way about things. People don't like being out of control of things. Now, the degree to which someone is able to control things does vary by person. By things, I really mean people. You can't control events, but you can control people, and that's not necessarily a bad thing...but I'm badly off topic.
let me take my pills real quick, then I'll get back to ranting. Okay, all drugged up. or, will be soon. I see the good doctor again Thursday afternoon. I'll see if I can talk him into just taking me off the medication, or at least work me down until I get off of it if I can't stop cold turkey. Just the zoloft though, not the risperdal...though, I wonder what he'll do about the lamictal...I'm up to 50mg, won't have gotten to the 100mg pills yet by the time I see him.
I just feel numb and alone...it hasn't reached the point of that crushing agony that I used to experience on a daily basis...just feels like the life has been drained out of me, life has become a gray, dull haze, very rarely punctuated by moments of light....I think the only point of light I had today was playing with the dogs. hmm, who's online.....Dusty's on, but I don't know her very well, and she doesn't know me enough to even care, probably...few do....there's Jason, we're friends, but he's just not someone I feel I can talk to...Amanda H., but last time I talked to her about my depression, she got upset because she felt she caused it after I told her how it all started....which is partially true, from a certain point of view, but that's not what I meant by it....Amber, but she's too apathetic, and I don't know her well enough anyways...Joe's too young, Keri's off with Rhone somewhere, and Faith's not on....Keri and Faith are probably the only two people on campus I would go to if I was feeling bad....like I am now....I feel dead. Sometimes I wish I were. I feel like I've lost purpose in life....I don't contribute to anyone's life, really....not that I've noticed. People could make it without me. heck I could make it without me....if you look at it the right way. Maybe I'm just tired....but I don't want to leave my music....I both welcome and fear the silence, though. Part of me wants to sink lower, hit rock bottom...part of me doesn't want to face the possibilities of the future....or the probabilities...like spending the rest of my life alone....if that's going to be the case, well, the rest of my life won't be more than ten more years or so...and the ending won't be of natural causes. Thirty's the magic number here. I made a promise, and I'm pretty good at keeping my promises...unless I forget, or oversleep or something like that...though, this is something that's pretty hard to forget, and even harder to oversleep. Yes, it's going to be one of those nights where I cry myself to sleep. Damn, I wish there was someone who could stop me....keep me from sinking...but there's no one....