hopeless, but somewhat satisfied.

I did manage to successfully edit my poetry blog, go over and take a look. I had to change it so I could delete this stupid advertisement in my comments section on "The King of Hearts". But, alas, I'm still depressed. Didn't feel like telling Chrisanne and my dad about it, they can't really help...there are some that can, but they are not here now, and I have no way to talk to them right now. It's just the usual hitting me a little harder right now. Just stuff I've seen on TV, pictures online, and this story I'm writing...and the employees at the deli. You know, I watched that show "Close to Home" tonight...very interesting. It was about a college kid that drugged a girl and kidnapped her...he was obsessed with her, stalked her, but he claimed that he loved her and would never hurt her. People like that are sad. I can understand very well his pain of loneliness, as that is what afflicts me as well, just as bad. But I'm not as weak as him. I would never allow myself to stoop to such a selfish, despicable act. I would not obsess over someone, stalk them, anything like that. I may be weak, but I'm not that weak. I'm weak enough that I cannot cure my own depression, I can't stop myself from feeling lonely, I can't sometimes keep myself from cutting to relieve the internal angst that loneliness causes me. Loneliness wasn't the reason I tried to kill myself a year and a half ago, guilt was the reason, but I'm not going into that. But, loneliness has made me want to die. I know from that experience, however, that I don't have the willpower to kill myself. Nor would I let myself be committed to an institution for depression and suicidal tendencies. No, I would bury my feelings in an attempt to appear under control to the outside world, while I let them fester in my soul, probably causing at some point the destruction of who I am. I would either snap and revert to my criminal personality type (serial killer, by the way...everyone has a criminal personality type), or break me, and I would simply die because my body would not longer be able to handle the stress....yes, it is possible to die of a broken heart. It is common knowledge in the medical field that if a patient has no will to live, they will die in a situation where they would have had a good chance at survival.
*sigh*, I know my thoughts of a soulmate relationship is idealistic, but is it really that farfetched? I mean, that relationship is the most emotionally intimate relationship that one can experience.
Sometimes I wonder what God is doing in all of this, if He is even doing anything. Impossible to know, of course. The idea of two people being "meant" for each other, that God foreordained their relationship, I don't believe it. Not Biblical. Though, it does provide comfort if you do belive it. Lately, particularly this past semester, it seems like every time I find someone I like, within a week, I find some irrefutable reason why I shouldn't try to start anything, either they're moving, or I find out something that takes away my interest in them. Is this the hand of God? Once again, there's no way of knowing. But in the back of my mind, I still remember that dream I had a couple of years ago, a voice telling me that in my sophomore year of college, I would meet the girl that I'm supposed to marry, and that I would know when I did. I have had one prophetic dream before, one showing something in someone's past that I could not have known, and I asked them about it, and it was true. Could this be another one? I certainly hope it is. You know why? Because I took college classes in high school, I am returning to college this coming semester as a sophomore. But of course, I'm a pessimist. I'm hurting now, badly, and my only real hope is in a dream that is probably no more than that? That's not worth much at all.