blegh

how I feel I guess. sinus headache. Had 6hrs of rehearsal yesterday, 4hrs today. Concert tomorrow, we're meeting at 8am to leave, it's in Greenville. *sigh* I think some of the choir people wonder why I'm so quiet and antisocial. Yesterday, I just wasn't on my zoloft, and I was sick, so I was in a fairly bad mood...today was better, I did take my medicine, and I was feeling a bit better...just got back a little bit ago from a karaoke party at Holland's house. I was a bit more social there at the beginning though....wasn't so much after some other people showed up. Aaron J. said, after hearing me sing, that I'd better be careful or I'd get out of character for me. Amusing. Wonder if I'll ever be able to be myself...I criticize people for being fake, but I'm unable to open up myself...is that hypocrisy, or is that two different issues? anyways, since I'm on the zoloft, I can't be depressed as I normally would, even though it doesn't work too well...I need to have a conversation with Amber sometime, something she said in one of her surveys worries me a bit, just want to see if I can help...and see if compassion turns into love...lol. be nice if she could feel that way about me. *sigh* loneliness is likely to be the death of me...

ack

about the sound I just made...got myself one of those wonderful colds because of NC's lovely weather...rainy and near 70 one day...clear, windy and barely 50 the next...you know, I'm seriously going to ditch the zoloft. It just doesn't work at this point. I feel like going into a litany of my faults, being the general cynic/pessimist that I am. Ok. I'm cynical, pessimistic, cautious to a fault. Those are my personality flaws, fairly unattractive ones, I'm told. ok, what else. I'm overweight, fat, whatever you want to call it. Trying hard to lose weight but it's too early to tell if it's working yet. Funny thing is, only a few girls on the internet have said that I'm attractive. Not to devalue their opinions or anything, but it'd be nice if a girl here at school would think/say that. I have a low opinion of people in a general sense...it's my firmly held belief that the majority of people my age are shallow. They're entitled to that way of life, but it leaves mediocre people like me out in the cold. Girls don't ever talk to me unless I say something first, and generally, I have guide the conversation...I'm always the one asking the questions, for example. Now even this much extroversion is difficult for me, I try though. I'm browsing around, have one girl in mind that I might ask her if she'll have lunch with me on friday so I can get to know her a bit, and vice versa, hopefully. The cautiousness is tied to my introversion. I can't help it, it's just the way I am. I get sick of people telling me I have to be more outgoing, etc. I feel like that clerk in "Kung Fu Hustle" where Sing and his friend are making fun of him for his glasses. Can he help it that he's nearsighted? no. And after he proceeds to bash their heads into the bench repeatedly, he tells them that he's fine with the way he is and is sick of people making fun of him. That's how I feel. I know how I am inside, I'm comfortable with that. It is a hinderance when it comes to trying to break the ice with a girl, but it's who I am. My only insecurities have to do with my weight and appearance. The only reason I haven't killed myself to get away from the misery of loneliness is because somewhere in me, I have a small, illogical, completely unfounded hope that I won't be lonely for long. Why it won't go away, I don't know, but it's really the only thing keeping me alive these days...that and that damn survival instinct....

another lonely night

talking to amber right now...not my stepsister (although I wouldn't mind talking to her...haven't seen her in forever), but the one from church. I do kind of like her...even though she's transfering to NC State next semester....well, she said she'd bring over her Harry Potter movies sometime and we could watch one, since I haven't seen them all. maybe I can talk to her a bit then...ack, I sound like a middle schooler with a crush...stupid immature me...and I still hate me for being fat...

about time....

myspace.com...there are no words to describe it's infuriating random outtages. Anyway...all of the sudden I'm really hating myself...had dinner at Ruby Tuesday's this evening, and was a pig...thankfully I was good the rest of the day, eating only a bowl of cereal, a quesadilla, and a weight watchers dessert thingie...my mom buys them for herself, but I eat them when I get the chance, lol. I'm going to try to practically starve myself this week, desperate attempt to lose weight before the concert...I know what I have to eat to keep my body burning fat instead of converting muscle to sugar...and if I can lose enough to where I can still fit in my choir pants, I'll be happy...and seriously, I'm only going to eat a bowl of cereal for breakfast, a two sandwiches with whole grain bread, and two or three granola bars. every day. I can handle the blandness of that diet. well...actually, as soon as I get my fridge into my dorm on Monday, I'll go out and buy cheese and lunch meat and eat that instead of the granola bars...I take fiber supplements, so I don't have to worry about not having enough fiber...which is what a lot of people on Atkins lack, because they don't do the diet right...damn, I really do hate myself for being so fat...I feel like writing, but I'm tired...damn...feeling like...cutting...badly...I really want to, even though I know I shouldn't...my butterfly knife is within inches...it's not too sharp, but it'd get the job done...I even just had it in my hand, my shoulder bared, blade out...pressed it down...but I didn't. i won't, at least not tonight. I hate my weakness...I just hate me....

blargh

just letting you know I haven't died yet...not that I haven't wanted to in the past 24hrs, but I haven't done myself in. Loneliness gets overwhelming, particularly when there's never going to be an end to it. Cried myself to sleep last night...don't know if that will happen tonight or not. Took Mike to walmart so he could get something to eat....I ended up getting three 2 liter bottles for $3...friggin good deal. actually, they were $.89 a piece. Then we went to Wendy's where he ate, and I got a Frosty. I'm just going to drop the zoloft...it isn't doing any good any more. and I need to be able to lose weight fast, screw my health...I have to lose at the very least, five pounds before the end of January. Gotta be able to fit into those tuxedo pants, or I'll have to buy or rent some for that concert. I hate me.

yay, broncos win...

yep, and I'm hoping Carolina beats Chicago tomorrow. so...been sort of a fresh low these past few days. I'm down to 50mg of the zoloft, so we'll see...but I think I'd just rather be off of it entirely. Two things that are causing the fresh low: loneliness, as always and forever, and feeling that I'm not worth much anyways...that I have no redeeming traits or talents. I feel that I am at best, mediocre, and no one likes mediocre anyways, so it doesn't count for much. For today, it was watching "Phantom of the Opera" that got me down...wonderful movie, just gets me depressed. In a way, you hate the phantom because he's an obsessed freak who wants to steal a girl from the man she loves, but in a way, you do pity him, because he's really never been shown any love his entire life it seems. I can empathize with that feeling...though, like I said before, I would never stoop to stealing someone else's girlfriend/fiancee/wife or whatever. I would quietly suffer like I always do, hoping someone will notice, but no one ever does, really. That's probably why I put all of this on such a public forum.
In other news, Keith is moving out, so I get a room to myself, of which I am thankful. Keri is over here this weekend. Moved 300lb logs today, getting them off of the grass. I'll have to wait to split them, though, too fresh. I'm also going to try to find a work study job because you actually do get some in-pocket money for doing them, and it keeps me on campus.
*sigh*....all of the doors are being shut...every time I find someone I like, something comes up, either I suddenly lose interest, or they transfer to another school, or it ends up that they are already taken, etc. I'm not going to pretend to understand why this happens....and I don't know why I can't just give up even though trying is futile in every sense of the word. For some reason, I just go on living...and I don't really know why...I'm switching between too many different thoughts, I'm just going to go to bed.

first day of classes

Wasn't that bad...didn't really do anything productive at all...I hope tomorrow's the same way. I'm probably going to drop that 6-9 class. just not something I want to do. *sigh*...such a tired, lonely night. I received a comment today, some girl messaged me, said she had looked at my pics and wondered how the hell I was still single...I had to laugh. Such irony. Only girls on the internet who live no where near me think I'm attractive....I must say that's the most interesting complement I've ever received though....I wish girls here on campus thought the same way.
I guess I'm hopeless in many ways. And so is the future for me. hmm, let me quote some of my poetry here....


I’m here alone
Day by day, just drags away
Tired of this roundabout road,
On and on, forever it goes
No end in grasp, no Freedom’s Path

part of a stanza...that's how I see my life....my friends say they're here for me no matter what, and I believe them, but I feel like I'm "imposing" on them if I ask them for help...that's how it is with anything really...I'm polite to a fault, I can't ask for help for fear of inconveniencing someone. But that's not the issue here....well, I'm going to go...cry myself to sleep or something like that.

I need a paper clip

for my calender. boredom be my days. Classes start wednesday. Tomorrow, I have absolutely nothing to do. If I weren't going wednesday, I'd drive back to Fayetteville, see a movie or something. There's nothing to do in Dunn, Lillington, or here. Perhaps I can get an application from Lowes. Wonder how I can handle going back to employment....I don't want to work very many hours though, since I have school....probably 10-15 hours a week, no more. That will at least give me a positive cash flow. Which reminds me, I need to get my W-2's from BR and Aramark. Tax time, and I'll probably get it back, considering how little I earn....or does that change after you turn 18? I'll have to get my dad to help me, make sure I know what I'm doing....it should be fairly simple to file my own taxes. *sigh*...I don't want to go to bed, but I don't have anything better to do....comic time...

all moved in

yeah, I'm back at campbell. waiting for all my friends to get back, hopefully I'll see them tomorrow. got nothing to do till 2:30pm tomorrow, then nothing, jack diddle, till wednesday morning...I'm just afraid of being bored, like I am now...talking to Audrey about politics a bit...like I was with Erin. Why do I get myself into these conversations...true, I'm not bored anymore, but it just gets me riled up, you know? "Anger, fear, aggression, the Dark Side are they..." but hopefully, I will get to see Faith and Keri tomorrow. comic time....it's so me....

achtung

just thought it was a funny looking word. German I think for "warning". something like that. Brian's gone....after a long day of picking up his friend, driving to ECU, getting all of their stuff in, taking brian and his roommate to Best Buy, not to mention missing turns and stuff (how am I supposed to know how to get around Greenville?), taking them back, getting all the way back to Smithfield, then Brian calls and says his bass amp's power cord is still in my car and wants me to drive all the way back to give it to him. Hell no. He's pissed, I think he's being a baby about it, I'm just going to mail it to him tomorrow. Sick of driving, really...took a nap when I got home. ugh, why am I hungry? I've been a pig today. I wish someone was on to talk to...I'm just going to go let the dogs in and go to bed.

just shaking my head....

brian's playing some sort of stupid monster slaughterfest game...he thinks he's showing me some sort of awesome game...yeah right...it's getting fairly irritating, and he's soon going to find himself out of my room for the night. he also wants me to drive him to his old high school tomorrow morning by 8am...yeah right again. I also have to take him to the hospital to get his toe looked at...ingrown toenail...that may be the extent of me driving him around tomorrow, except to the bank so he can pay me back the money he owes me....ok back from an interruption....no plans to go to his school, just to the hospital. He's gone to bed now...anywhat. dang it, I'm too tired to be depressed, lol. Was almost there earlier...but not close enough, despite some of my thoughts....I just don't have the means to put myself in a situation right now that would get me all the way to the bottom. Just too tired....

I remember this song....

"A Shadow On Me" by Project 86...one of my favorite songs. Used to make me cry all of the time. I identified so well with the lyrics...and speaking of depression, i haven't been able to hit bottom, I'm still stuck in this midlevel plateau that sucks really bad. Funny line.... "Remove this sordid fascination with shadow..." It doesn't make too much sense out of context, but I can explain...the shadow is depression, a darkness on the soul...what's funny is that's what I feel, a desire to enter that shadow. It's its own relief, in a way...I'm more miserable from a certain point of view, in this state, than I am when I'm hitting bottom. At least there I can cry, release some of this pain, and my body releases its own natural antidepressants instead of me having to take that ineffective zoloft garbage....yet more proof that God's designs are much better than anything humans can come up with. *sigh* I'm tired, lonely as always...but I can't hit bottom...so I'm miserable, it's eating away at me...I gotta come up with some new material....
Brian's coming tomorrow, I have to pick him up at the airport and then take him to ECU on Thursday. So much fun...I hope he finally pays me back the $110 I lent him this past summer. I need the money.

new year anyone?

eh, just a minor inconvenience to me....have to put up a new calendar, remember to write "2006" whenever I write the date, etc. New Year's isn't all that special to me....that might change if I had a significant other to share it with....I had hoped at one point to spend it with Katie, but obviously, that was not possible. *sigh* I'm aware that I obsess...is that a crime? I simply can't get away from it, it's a constant plague to me. If I could stop it, I would. However, I just don't want to stop feeling lonely, I want the problem to be solved, I don't want to get to the point where I just don't care anymore...apathy destroys a person's soul.
In similar news, I have yet to hit bottom....I'm still waiting, looking forward to it...I enjoy it in a strange way, probably some sort of selfish motive to that, some sort of self-pity that I somehow enjoy...look at me, analyzing myself. At the risk of sounding hypocritical, I don't care. I don't care why I enjoy it in a twisted way. I just...want the impossible, I guess. I can handle material problems, so long as I have a sturdy relationship support base...which, I lack...one of the five is missing, and I happen to be one of those that can't do without all of them, really....perhaps later in life, I can sacrifice one or two...but not the one I'm missing now. I can't help feeling lonely tonight, or ever....but I suppose I'm asking for too much.