about time....

myspace.com...there are no words to describe it's infuriating random outtages. Anyway...all of the sudden I'm really hating myself...had dinner at Ruby Tuesday's this evening, and was a pig...thankfully I was good the rest of the day, eating only a bowl of cereal, a quesadilla, and a weight watchers dessert thingie...my mom buys them for herself, but I eat them when I get the chance, lol. I'm going to try to practically starve myself this week, desperate attempt to lose weight before the concert...I know what I have to eat to keep my body burning fat instead of converting muscle to sugar...and if I can lose enough to where I can still fit in my choir pants, I'll be happy...and seriously, I'm only going to eat a bowl of cereal for breakfast, a two sandwiches with whole grain bread, and two or three granola bars. every day. I can handle the blandness of that diet. well...actually, as soon as I get my fridge into my dorm on Monday, I'll go out and buy cheese and lunch meat and eat that instead of the granola bars...I take fiber supplements, so I don't have to worry about not having enough fiber...which is what a lot of people on Atkins lack, because they don't do the diet right...damn, I really do hate myself for being so fat...I feel like writing, but I'm tired...damn...feeling like...cutting...badly...I really want to, even though I know I shouldn't...my butterfly knife is within inches...it's not too sharp, but it'd get the job done...I even just had it in my hand, my shoulder bared, blade out...pressed it down...but I didn't. i won't, at least not tonight. I hate my weakness...I just hate me....