ack

about the sound I just made...got myself one of those wonderful colds because of NC's lovely weather...rainy and near 70 one day...clear, windy and barely 50 the next...you know, I'm seriously going to ditch the zoloft. It just doesn't work at this point. I feel like going into a litany of my faults, being the general cynic/pessimist that I am. Ok. I'm cynical, pessimistic, cautious to a fault. Those are my personality flaws, fairly unattractive ones, I'm told. ok, what else. I'm overweight, fat, whatever you want to call it. Trying hard to lose weight but it's too early to tell if it's working yet. Funny thing is, only a few girls on the internet have said that I'm attractive. Not to devalue their opinions or anything, but it'd be nice if a girl here at school would think/say that. I have a low opinion of people in a general sense...it's my firmly held belief that the majority of people my age are shallow. They're entitled to that way of life, but it leaves mediocre people like me out in the cold. Girls don't ever talk to me unless I say something first, and generally, I have guide the conversation...I'm always the one asking the questions, for example. Now even this much extroversion is difficult for me, I try though. I'm browsing around, have one girl in mind that I might ask her if she'll have lunch with me on friday so I can get to know her a bit, and vice versa, hopefully. The cautiousness is tied to my introversion. I can't help it, it's just the way I am. I get sick of people telling me I have to be more outgoing, etc. I feel like that clerk in "Kung Fu Hustle" where Sing and his friend are making fun of him for his glasses. Can he help it that he's nearsighted? no. And after he proceeds to bash their heads into the bench repeatedly, he tells them that he's fine with the way he is and is sick of people making fun of him. That's how I feel. I know how I am inside, I'm comfortable with that. It is a hinderance when it comes to trying to break the ice with a girl, but it's who I am. My only insecurities have to do with my weight and appearance. The only reason I haven't killed myself to get away from the misery of loneliness is because somewhere in me, I have a small, illogical, completely unfounded hope that I won't be lonely for long. Why it won't go away, I don't know, but it's really the only thing keeping me alive these days...that and that damn survival instinct....