it's one of those days

Have you ever felt that your life was pointless and worthless? That's how I feel today. It's this feeling that makes me feel like life isn't worth living...I mean, how can I endure another 50+ years of this kind of existence? I cannot fathom it. Just trying to makes me want to step out in front of a semi on 421. People say that God is sufficient. Hmm...perhaps sufficient enough to keep me alive against my wishes at times, but I want to be more than just alive, I want to be able to enjoy life and feel like I've done something with it. that's probably part of the reason I want to do psychology, because I can help people, do something good with myself. Academic accomplishment really isn't worth that much to me. I do it because I hate failure, and I'm quite capable of avoiding it, but it isn't fulfilling, you know? Back to the whole "God is sufficient" thing. Some people, with that phrase, imply that God is all we need to be happy. Begging you pardon, but I disagree. Paul apparently disagrees too...he said that for him, God is sufficient, but some people, He is not...they desire human companionship as well, and this isn't a bad thing. That's my problem...I'm looking for companionship and love, and I can't seem to get it, though I admit it's partly my inadequacies (sp?) that prevent me from acquiring it. On that subject, I asked Jessica to go with me to the Spring Formal...not sure why...there's a mild interest there, but I asked mostly because I figured I get shot down by Amber anyway...I hate myself for my lack of confidence. Wish God would help me out here, but He never really has...He's provided two short-term relationships, but He knows I want more...regardless of certain advice I get about how I have to be more outgoing and confident, that's just not me. I have a hard time being me around people that I don't know too well...if I want to show someone I like what I'm really like, I have to be with them around my friends...speaking of whom, since Faith is no longer using the meal plan, she's bringing stuff from home, she eats at Marshbanks more (which I don't like because I can't make my own stuff there...), so I don't get to see her on a regular basis...sad. I'd better stop here, I'd like to get to bed earlier. God, please help me....