guess what?

Come on, this should be easy. In fact, I write about this more than any other subject. That's right, I'm depressed again! that wasn't so hard, was it? do you note the faux-enthusiasm? yeah...and I'm bored with life. The choir tour will be a nice change...maybe I'll reach a new low...well, that's probably not likely, but maybe I'll get close...I'm just so damn lonely...something I didn't write about last night because I got distracted by the CVS application, on COPS last night, there were a couple of suicidal people that they had to deal with. who knows? maybe I'll be like one of them one day...but I know I don't have the guts to kill myself, which is really frustrating. I want to die, but I don't have the means available...well, with all the meds I take, I probably do, but I want a guaranteed, instant death. Death is the easy way out, I know...but what is there to gain from living? that's a very good question. Don't think anyone can answer that. Of course, I think the answer is probably "nothing". I have nothing to gain from living. Humans have this tendency to be stuck in the present; or, in other words, they can't get past their current situation and see into a possibly brighter future. At least, that's how it seems for most that are suffering from something. There are exceptions...we'll call these people "optimists". They are gamblers. They're betting on that the future is going to be better than the present. They risk disappointment. Why risk that? Disappointment is a frequent visitor in life. As you know, I like to expect disappointment, which, at least for me, is usually the case in certain, important areas of my life. That way, in the off chance that something good happens, I can be happy because it's better than what I expected. Sometimes you just have to lower your expectations in order to be satisfied...but that's somewhat contradictory. I don't want to lower my expectations, in fact, I won't, so I likely will never be happy. Such is my lot, you know? that's why I want to die.

why bother?

I don't really have too much to say tonight. Bored, very much so. Probably will just go to bed early. I got the oil in my car changed...they said it would be a two hour wait, it was three hours...a very long, boring three hours. After that, I unloaded stepping stones from my mom's truck, took some wood to the garage. got my hair cut, took a nap, ate dinner, watched TV...so here I am at the end of a dull day in a dull life. Well, last night wasn't so bad, church social thing, we had a big card game going, and there was food, I got stuffed, of course. Maybe if I had a job, my life wouldn't be so dull. Speaking of which, I just applied to CVS...maybe I'll get a job, have a positive cash flow for once...and speaking of cash, I hope I get a decent return on my taxes this year. Anyways, I'm off to bed.

oh, yeah...

Should I mention that I got turned down again? yeah...Jessica said she was already going with someone else to the Spring Formal...so, I guess that leaves me to ask Amber. I know she doesn't like those sort of things, though, but maybe I can talk her into it. or perhaps I should ask her out, establish that I like her, then ask her to go to the formal with me. ack, I hate myself when I'm like this...ai, how pathetic am I? Oh well. I'm gonna go with the second option. if I get burned, I get burned. I've made it through before, I'll do it again. Talking to her now...we'll see how it goes...stay tuned for further updates...well, she's busy on sunday, going to Raleigh. Perhaps I'll just ask her to the Spring Formal next week or something like that. well, I'll sign off by saying that I'm pathetic, and I hate me. Goodnight.

time for sleep...

and music...I forgot to turn on the music...yeah. Kind of lonely tonight...I feel like I have no life...again. I won't miss weight training again tomorrow. hopefully, though, I'll get a better schedule next semester. I wouldn't mind a few more afternoon classes, and a few less morning classes...except on fridays...I like getting home early. eh, listen to me blather on like my problems matter to people. I disgust me. Oh well...pill time, and then sleep.

nothing new

I feel like last night again. Haven't had any meaningful human contact today. Tried to have dinner with Keri, but she was already going to go with Rhone, so I just had my book and food for company. Haven't seen Faith and Matt since Monday. Maybe I can catch Faith before she gets to Calculus tomorrow, see if I can talk her into coming to Shouse for lunch. I feel like I'm withdrawing from the world...it's like a cycle or something...or perhaps I'm just regressing permanently. Anyways, I feel like cutting, I just can't express my frustration with myself and my life, or lack thereof. I still have my knife here...maybe I'll get on Trillian and see if anyone's on...but can I really burden someone with my problems? It's not like they can fix them...only God can fix them, and it doesn't seem like he's trying too hard at it. Ok, so He doesn't make mistakes. Then, if I'm the way I'm supposed to be, why is He letting my screw myself over in the relationship department? Seriously, I can't really help myself here. Maybe it's just a developmental problem, something I'll grow out of, but as always, I can't look past my current situation. well, I'm talking to keri now, so I'll just go...

it's one of those days

Have you ever felt that your life was pointless and worthless? That's how I feel today. It's this feeling that makes me feel like life isn't worth living...I mean, how can I endure another 50+ years of this kind of existence? I cannot fathom it. Just trying to makes me want to step out in front of a semi on 421. People say that God is sufficient. Hmm...perhaps sufficient enough to keep me alive against my wishes at times, but I want to be more than just alive, I want to be able to enjoy life and feel like I've done something with it. that's probably part of the reason I want to do psychology, because I can help people, do something good with myself. Academic accomplishment really isn't worth that much to me. I do it because I hate failure, and I'm quite capable of avoiding it, but it isn't fulfilling, you know? Back to the whole "God is sufficient" thing. Some people, with that phrase, imply that God is all we need to be happy. Begging you pardon, but I disagree. Paul apparently disagrees too...he said that for him, God is sufficient, but some people, He is not...they desire human companionship as well, and this isn't a bad thing. That's my problem...I'm looking for companionship and love, and I can't seem to get it, though I admit it's partly my inadequacies (sp?) that prevent me from acquiring it. On that subject, I asked Jessica to go with me to the Spring Formal...not sure why...there's a mild interest there, but I asked mostly because I figured I get shot down by Amber anyway...I hate myself for my lack of confidence. Wish God would help me out here, but He never really has...He's provided two short-term relationships, but He knows I want more...regardless of certain advice I get about how I have to be more outgoing and confident, that's just not me. I have a hard time being me around people that I don't know too well...if I want to show someone I like what I'm really like, I have to be with them around my friends...speaking of whom, since Faith is no longer using the meal plan, she's bringing stuff from home, she eats at Marshbanks more (which I don't like because I can't make my own stuff there...), so I don't get to see her on a regular basis...sad. I'd better stop here, I'd like to get to bed earlier. God, please help me....

wow...

All of the sudden, I feel a profound depression coming over me. It is Singles Awareness Day, but hey, I'm always aware that I'm single, this day is nothing special in that regard. I'm also always aware that I'm lonely. Speaking of which, apparently Stephanie heard a rumor about me. Someone told her to be careful around me because I'm a flirt and a player...um...where did this come from? People that know me, correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm not either of those. I asked her who told her that, and she said she couldn't remember.
Anywhat...so, yes I'm particularly lonely today, or rather, right now...I wasn't earlier. Megan and I talked about Spring Formal...I will probably ask Amber soon, see if I can talk her into it like I did Audrey in 11th grade, lol. Fun memories. That was when Emily broke her toe by accidentally kicking a speaker stand...funny in retrospect. But, I hope Amber will go with me. I really do like her, even though pity and curiosity may also be factors. In a strange way, I kind of hope she does read my blog occasionally...but only if she would talk to me about what I write here. hmm...I'll probably end up crying tonight...imagine that...a college guy that cries himself to sleep...but, as I told Lloyd today, I'm psycho and I have the pills to prove it...but of course, if the pills were doing their job, I shouldn't feel this way...maybe one day I'll get tired of it and quit them for good.

since I feel like it

I'm actually going to post today...It's been a while. Week and a half or so. So, in the news...got shot down twice asking girls to go to the Valentine's Day dance with me...so I spent the evening going to Walmart, CVS, and watching America's Funniest Home Videos. Oh well...I'll continue to talk to Amber, see if she would have coffee with me or something, there's a pretty good place just off campus. I do like her...but sometimes I wonder if it's not just pity or curiosity. I'm used to people being open with me, most people feel they can trust me, even strangers...but I've asked her about a few things that concerned me that she's written in her surveys, and she won't discuss them with me. So, what is it? True interest, pity for her misery, or curiosity? Well, whatever it is, when I tell her that I like her, I'll find out exactly what I can do with my feelings...keep them, or trash them and move on...again...and joy...rabbit dissection begins tomorrow...and if we don't get out early, I won't be able to eat lunch...well, I'll just have a granola bar for lunch...but that's not really a meal, per se...

nothing really new to say

because that's just the sort of boring person I am. I'm probably going to die over the weekend or on Tuesday, just from the stress...three major tests on tuesday. Western Civ II, A&P lab practical, and a psychology "quiz"...50 multiple choice and 2 essays...sounds like a test to me. So, needless to say, I won't be having too much fun this weekend, nor on monday.
In other news, Keri has some suspicions about JD...her boyfriend in Canada...online relationship. I would not trust someone online like that. Anyway, something's come up where he's been visited a number of times by this girl up where he lives, leaves her messages online like he's always left Keri, content-wise...*sigh*...to be completely honest, I wish she wasn't in this relationship...I cannot see it ever working out. But then again, I'm paranoid. maybe there's nothing to worry about, perhaps he's an honest person, and this is just some sort of coincidence...I guess we'll find out when she confronts him about it.
and i'm still lonely...though that's nothing new...guess it's just a pain I'll never get used to.

trying

to go to bed earlier...like, before midnight. I'm in a situation where I'm not sure what to do...and by the way, this has nothing to do with going to bed earlier. Situation is this: remember Amber? anyways, I did try to talk to her about some of the stuff on her surveys, and she didn't want to talk about them...implying a lack of trust, or just not knowing me well enough. Either way, it's a negative thing, as I like people who are as open as I am...openness and honesty are essential in relationships, so it's best if it comes naturally...not so many people are that way, but a lot of people will open up to me. But, I still kind of like her, but I'm wondering if it's just pity or sympathy, in a way, because she has very low self esteem, doesn't think any guys would be interested in her, is afraid of never getting married, etc. Ok, other side of the problem. There's this girl I met in my Anatomy and Physiology class, Jessica. I've asked her to join me for lunch with Matt and Faith a couple of times, but both times she's already had plans...except today, she told me to ask her again, thereby implying that she would go next time. Next time we have class is Monday, so I'll ask her then. Perhaps I'm imagining things, but it seems like there might be mutual interest. I hope so...loneliness is hitting me particularly hard tonight...as you know, I often wonder if I'll ever find anyone that will love me...but I also wonder if I'll find someone that I'll love. has to work both ways. I think I'll just stop before I think of death...the easiest solution to my problems...the thing that will most likely be the end of my loneliness...