guess what?

Come on, this should be easy. In fact, I write about this more than any other subject. That's right, I'm depressed again! that wasn't so hard, was it? do you note the faux-enthusiasm? yeah...and I'm bored with life. The choir tour will be a nice change...maybe I'll reach a new low...well, that's probably not likely, but maybe I'll get close...I'm just so damn lonely...something I didn't write about last night because I got distracted by the CVS application, on COPS last night, there were a couple of suicidal people that they had to deal with. who knows? maybe I'll be like one of them one day...but I know I don't have the guts to kill myself, which is really frustrating. I want to die, but I don't have the means available...well, with all the meds I take, I probably do, but I want a guaranteed, instant death. Death is the easy way out, I know...but what is there to gain from living? that's a very good question. Don't think anyone can answer that. Of course, I think the answer is probably "nothing". I have nothing to gain from living. Humans have this tendency to be stuck in the present; or, in other words, they can't get past their current situation and see into a possibly brighter future. At least, that's how it seems for most that are suffering from something. There are exceptions...we'll call these people "optimists". They are gamblers. They're betting on that the future is going to be better than the present. They risk disappointment. Why risk that? Disappointment is a frequent visitor in life. As you know, I like to expect disappointment, which, at least for me, is usually the case in certain, important areas of my life. That way, in the off chance that something good happens, I can be happy because it's better than what I expected. Sometimes you just have to lower your expectations in order to be satisfied...but that's somewhat contradictory. I don't want to lower my expectations, in fact, I won't, so I likely will never be happy. Such is my lot, you know? that's why I want to die.