I know, I know

I've been rather inconsistent with my posting the past couple of months or so....maybe less than that, I don't know. But, on to recent developments. Classes are fine, I'm taking voice lessons now, had my first one today. Faith and Matt are a pair, and so are Libby and David. well, there's something else, and Alicia's not going to like me putting it on here, but this is my way of expressing myself, and only Faith and Keri have this address...actually, since I changed addresses, I'm not even sure they have it anymore. So, Alicia, you don't have to worry about anyone finding out other than my Californian friends, who, unfortunately, I will probably never meet in person. So, here goes. Alicia and I had a serious conversation the other night. Thursday or Friday night, I think. The topic of conversation: the two of us. I had told Faith sometime after that night where Alicia had that episode with her roommate problems, that I really liked Alicia and I was feeling guilty because I already have a girlfriend, Katie. I promised Faith, and myself (because it's always been my personal rule) that I wouldn't cheat on Katie (or any girl I'm in a relationship with), nor would I break up with her solely because I think I've found someone that would work out better. In fact, that reason would never be taken into consideration should I ever decide to break up with her. Well, apparently, (Alicia told me this in our conversation) Alicia liked me too, which is why she came looking for me when she had that episode. Well, she told me this herself the night of our conversation. And she point-blank asked me if I liked her. To which, I said yes. I also told her how I felt about that, my guilt and my rules. Ultimately, we decided to be good friends, like siblings, which, she calls me her big brother, so she's my little sister...anyways, that's a summary.
also, today, after walking with alicia, I feel...drained, tired, numb. I felt like cutting again. I even have my knife with me. but I won't tonight. I feel like I'm on the verge of having an episode though. One thing that kind of depresses me is something Alicia said. She said we're connecting too fast for her comfort, and that her priority should be her friendships with other girls, and she's told me before that I need to get some guy friends. well, all of those are at home or at college. Keith and I don't really hang out in the same circles, and of the several guys I've met through faith and alicia, really only Matt and particularly Rhone, I would count among my friends...maybe Darrin too. I just...it's hard to connect with guys....it's all or nothing. there's really no middle ground, at least for me. I seem to be an oddity among guys...not that I'm effeminate or anything, not at all, I'm just different, I guess. and I'm not very social. i almost feel like I know too many people already....though that Troy guy does seem interesting....I don't know. I guess what Alicia said made me feel abandoned in a way. she's probably the only extraverted friend I have, and she reaches out to me like Josh I. did when he got me out of my shell....I don't know what to think anymore. One day at a time. Hopefully I can see Katie this coming weekend, because I miss her.