yes, I'm bad...

For not posting. well, some stuff has happened. It's amazing how a friendship can just wither away and die in just the space of a week or two...Alicia and I. Through sheer neglect really. I thought she was avoiding me. It kind of hurts. Perhaps I can fix it, perhaps not. I just feel like she's angry with me, even though she says she's not. She's probably just obsessing over Josh (her new boyfriend)...he came to visit last week. Other than that? well, I went to that Jeopardy thing, got sick, but it was fun anyways. Quit working at the cafeteria, it was worse than Baskin-Robbins, at least there we got stuff cleaned up and kept a relatively high level of sanitation. Not to mention my coworkers were my age there. Not to say that all those old women were bad to work with, not at all, but...well...baskin-robbins was more fun because of the conversations we had after closing...and we got to listen to music. At the cafeteria, the floor was never properly cleaned, some of the meat on one occasion had blood in it, anyone can walk back into the kitchen, because the office is in the back. Rags are never cleaned during the shift, etc. Other than that, I HATE serving food to people. I'm never going back to the food business, though I may consider going back to baskin-robbins over christmas break. It'll be slow, and at least there I know what I'm doing.
Well....last weekend I got to spend Saturday with Katie. We rented "Sphere", and I cooked a pizza for us, and we watched the movie and ate. Then we went to the mall to meet up with my mom, who had been working all day, and got me a tux coat for the choir concert on Sunday (which went relatively well, we sound awesome, I think), had some Dairy Queen, and went back to the house to finish the movie, and I didn't have to have her back till 11pm, so we watched some tv. I think the best part of the night though, was being with her. I loved cuddling with her as we watched the movie and tv. Which brings me to a point for discussion. There are two types of positive physical interaction in a relationship, in a broad sense (the negative is abusive in nature, which I won't go into): Sexual/Sensual and (for lack of a better word) Romantic, or non-sexual. The terms deal with the intentions behind the said physical contact. What I want to establish is that cuddling with Katie is romantic contact for me. I will not take our contact into the sexual realm for a long time, if ever we get to that point. Kissing is....borderline, but I consider it romantic since I have no intentions of taking it further. But, back to my point. Being close to her, holding her...is...well, there is no word to describe the feeling. I have talked numerous times before about my need for that physical contact, which I thought I'd never have, but there I was, Kodak moment folks. I do wonder how she feels about me, though...heck I'm not even sure how I feel. I'm scared to tell her that I love her, because I'm not even sure if I know what love is like, since I've never really been there...and I know it's too soon to say that anyways, because there's no way she could feel that way about me right now. Remember about my stance on emotional equality? Both people should have about the same level of emotional attachment? Love is a word of strong commitment....something you should say to someone you really are considering as someone to marry one day...at least in the ideal world. Dang, I miss her right now. Chrisanne lent me these mystery novels, and without fail, the main character is female, and there's always a sex scene or two, and they end up getting married at the end, after knowing each other only a few weeks. Ugh! makes me want to gag. That is so disgusting. heh, they say they're in love. Bullshit. all they've done is had sex, that's not love. Damn, that kind of stuff pisses me off. I know it's fiction, and there's such a thing as literary license, but still....all that talk of physical contact makes me wish Katie were here now. Not that I would want to DO any of the things in those books with her, but just someone I could show affection to, and someone who would hopefully show some back. Dang, I just want lifelong love and compassion so bad....I'm desperate for it, really, but I'm scared of making the wrong choice.....and I'm feeling all of this as a go through a major evaluation of my beliefs. Basically, what I've come to believe is that it doesn't matter how the world was created, through a literal 7-day creation, or through evolution. I believe that God created the universe, started the whole process, which is simple logic, because the laws of thermodynamics do not allow for matter and energy to be eternal, so they had to have a beginning. But how did it go from there? Genesis isn't very specific, and why should it be? The Bible is not intended as a scientific document. Perhaps God guided the evolutionary process? But, like I said, not important. A staunch evolutionist said recently that you can believe in science and evolution and still keep your religious beliefs. That is true. What's important is the gospel message. It is the new law, the new covenant. Jesus was the sacrifice for our sins, and after he died, he resurrected. That is very difficult to disprove, actually. I covered that in a paper, and disproved all of the major theories that attempt to explain away his resurrection. Topic for another time. But what I said holds true. What we believe or don't believe about the beginning of the universe doesn't matter. What matters is faith in God, acceptance of His forgiveness, repentance, and living your life for Him.
Well, definitely bed time for me. Perhaps I'll do better at posting from now on?