hard at work

No, really. Do you have any idea how hard it is to sit at this computer and browse the internet for three hours? It takes an enormous amount of willpower not to lose my sanity. I wish I could just leave...though, I'm not sure what I would do if I did. I'd probably be just as bored in my room as here. Perhaps I'd drive to the Spring Lake Blockbuster to see if they have either Final Fantasy XII or one of the Tekken games.

Well, I've been looking at presidential candidates for 2008. I know I don't like Hillary Clinton, don't think I like Obama either...but then again, before you go calling me a prudish conservative, I don't like Sam Brownback either. He's TOO conservative. The best one I've seen so far is John McCain. Although, I don't agree with any of them as far as the subject of immigration goes. The main thing I disagree with is the fact that all of them want to extend Social Security and welfare benefits to illegal immigrants. I say, if they're illegal, they shouldn't get anything from the government. Save the money for better purposes, like giving it to the legal citizens of this country. Giving the illegals money without making them apply for citizenship will only encourage more illegal immigration.

That's the end of my rant. Spent yesterday evening with Megan. We tried to watch "Return of the Jedi", but it wouldn't play in my PS2 for some reason, so we ended up watching Chronicles of Narnia instead. Choir spring retreat is this weekend, oh joy. From 4:30pm Friday to 12:30pm Saturday, we will be rehearsing. I'll probably be hoarse by the end of it. Then there's the Super Bowl on sunday...I wonder if Mike would come over and watch it with me? Gotta do something other that watch it by myself. *sigh* still an hour and twenty minutes to go. Don't know how I'll occupy my time.

back to posting

It was interesting trying to explain my last post to Megan. I didn't know what I meant in some of it because I was so vague. I phrased my line about her being independent of her parents like Edward did, and she got really upset and hung up on me. I tried calling her back, but she picked it up and hung up again. But then, after about 10 minutes, she called me back and she was fine. Weird. Anyways, I did think of a better way to phrase it: basically told her that her parents treated her like a child when she's not. She agrees with me. Basically, my concern was not what's going on right now, but in the future. When/if we get married, get our own house (which she wants right next to her parents' house), how much are they going to interfere with our life together? She said that her grandmother is sure to meddle in our affairs, which I know I'm not going to be fond of, as I like my privacy, but will her parents try to tell us how to run things? I mean, I don't expect they will do it overtly, but will they want to know how we're running our house, raising our kids, managing our finances? Frankly, that's none of their business, but I don't mind them knowing, as long as they keep to themselves any negative opinions about said subjects. Unsolicited advice is never welcome. Independence is something I value highly.

Anyways, enough of my worrying. Let's discuss the present. Yesterday...wait, that's the past, right? Let me just say that yesterday was a frustrating day at work. Now, how about today? After Human Relations, went to the library, found my book that I want to do the report on, submitted a refund request form to the business office, took a shower, then went to meet Megan to walk with her to CUW. She came out with Melissa, and didn't bother to wait for me to put up my book and grab my backpack, she just kept going, so that I had to almost run to catch up with her. It just seems that she didn't want me around...in fact, every time I meet her for CUW, it seems like that, so I'll probably stop doing that. She also didn't bother to say anything to me when she came to Shouse to eat with her friends.

*sigh*...so today hasn't been the best of days either. Found out that the residence life forms were due LAST semester...for the love of God, I hope I don't end up in Sauls or Murray. Anything but that. I'd even take Layton. Hopefully, if I can't get a private room, I'll get to room with Mike. He's really the only one on campus that I'd room with except for Matt, but he has an apartment.

Well, I think I'll go back to taking notes on that book.

a good question

Is the question "Why?" Always fun to ask. In this case, I will ask, "Why, in the last few years, have the moments of pain, darkness, and agony vastly outweighed the few evanescent moments of happiness?" Just last night, I was happy. Now, I can barely remember what happiness is. Oh, I know what the problem is, at least, tonight's problem, but I dare not give it words, not even here. I feel ready to burst from frustration, but I cannot give it an outlet; no one would understand or sympathize.

It's frustrating not knowing what to do with yourself, where you're heading in life, or if you're making the right commitments. I know what I'm talking about, so I guess that will have to be good enough. I suppose if the right person asked, I would tell them...not about tonight's problem, but about commitment. *sigh* I never envisioned myself with this problem. It makes sense in my head, but does it in my heart? Somewhere, deep down, I do dare to dream, and it's not turning out the way I had dreamed it. Now I've allowed myself to be caught up in this situation, and there's no way out of it...well, there is, but I don't want to consider it. But, if I open that door, what terrible things await me on the other side? I would be free, yes, but defenseless against the old demons that would return to me...and I would have no promise of relief from them, ever.

It's nothing that is done that gives me doubt, but what is said about the future. When two strong forces oppose each other, what's to keep them from destroying each other? Despite the niceness that blankets internal turmoil, rebellion, disagreement, etc., eventually it will boil out of control and consume those involved.

Well, I had wanted to say more, but I got a phone call, and that kind of killed my thought process. So, allow me to conclude by saying that I hope John Lennon is right, and that all we need is love.

what to do with myself...

I'm back at work, and that means I will be posting again. This semester promises to be busy. I'm working 12.5 hours a week at work, and taking 17.5 credit hours of classes. I actually gave in and bought a dry-erase board today to keep track of my assignments. There will be a ton of reading and papers this semester. I'm taking Human Relations, Learning and Cognition, Social Psychology, Intro to Theatre, US History to 1865, Choir, and voice lessons. And of course, CUW. Already turned in our first paper in Human Relations. Dr. Taylor doesn't seem as bad as Megan makes him out to be. We'll see how he grades my paper though.

Went and saw the head shrinker today. Going to stay on my reduced meds for another month. I'm feeling a bit depressed and lonely today, even though I just spent yesterday evening with Megan, watching a movie. Perhaps writing will help alleviate that...wait...rats, I don't think I put that story on my flashdrive. You know, the one I submitted for that contest? I was going to work on it some more, make it longer, better. It would be the perfect solace for my depression. *sigh* it's not on there, I just checked. Now what am I going to do? I was all inspired and everything too. Maybe I can just start over. I might do that. Fresh start sounds good.

more elaboration

While I wait for her to call. I've been sick with worry all day about this call. But, I wish to continue with last night's post. Namely, should I answer the question: What kind of Christian am I? Ah, self-reflection. I am always full of doubt and pessimism. I cannot help but analyze things, and often when I do, I find things that contradict what I've been raised to believe. I am on a personal quest for the ultimate Truth to everything, a quest which will probably never come to an end. I will always be left with questions.

Now, I don't question moral teachings...well, I do, but whenever I do, I find the answer in the Bible and interpret it as I see fit. This may or may not agree with what I've been taught, but I think it is best if I read it for myself.

I've always argued that it is better to believe in God and be wrong than to disbelieve and be wrong. Imagine that someone went around saying that you didn't exist, and treated you as such. You wouldn't be happy with them, would you? Same concept. So, among the things I doubt. Creation of the world. How did it really happen? from one perspective, the odds of it happening by itself in this universe are really nonexistent, even with billions of years to do it in. Evolution, perhaps I can believe, to some extent. But, notice I said "in this universe". There is a theory that there are multiple, perhaps infinite other universes that all interact, and these are universes eternal. So, it follows that while it might not happen in one universe, it's bound to happen in another at some point if chance has an eternity to operate in. Of course, that's really beyond the scope of modern science to prove.

But, changing topics, perhaps my problem IS my need to know things. The whole idea of the Bible is having faith, and that doesn't sit well with me. I used to be trusting. It used to be easy for me. But the older I got, the more knowledge I gained, the more I lived and experienced life, it has become so difficult to accept things. I always want proof, assurance, not just in spiritual matters, but in everything. What little faith I have is very personal and private. I don't like to talk about it with others, pray out loud, etc. Same goes for my relationship with God, as rocky as that has been in the past several years. I wish I had the strength to fix it...I wish there was someone I trusted enough to help me, but there isn't.

*sigh*...I wish she would call and put me out of my misery or deeper into it, which ever way it goes...this waiting without knowing is killing me.

it's been weeks....

I know....but this is not an update on my doings. This is just to clear my head. Megan came here as planned this past weekend, and some stuff happened Saturday night. No, we did not have sex, but we came close. I'm not going into details. This is about my thoughts that I was having after she read her journal entry about this weekend. She wanted to know them, but I told her that I would figure them out when I wrote about this weekend.

There is nothing I can say that could describe how I feel...well, perhaps there is, but I don't have the heart to write them. I got this feeling this evening when we were about to hang up. She said that she would leave me to my thoughts. Perhaps I'm reading too much into things, but she said goodnight, and I waited for her to tell me that she loves me, as she usually does, but she didn't. Instead, I told her that I loved her, and she said it back, but it seemed like she said it rather reluctantly. Then she hung up. Hmm...perhaps you'd like to know what lead up to this. She was talking about her guilt over what we did this weekend. She said it interfered with her relationship with God, that this "immoral behavior" kept her from having the kind of relationship she'd like to have. At this point is when she asked me about my thoughts. I said that what we did scared me because I had never gone that far before, and it bothered me that I did. This upset her, that that was my reason. I did not elaborate, at which point she said she would leave me to my thoughts, and so on.

Well, allow me to elaborate. I know we shouldn't have done it, what we did. I regret it, everything about it. I wish I could take it back. That is not what is bothering me though. I can get past that. It's done and I can't go back and change it. Worse things have been done, and I believe in God's forgiveness. Not that it is an excuse to go out and do stuff like that, but...what I'm scared of now, God, I'm even scared to write it...I'm scared that I'll lose her because she'll decide that I'm not the kind of Christian she wants to be with. Perhaps I'm exaggerating, being paranoid, as I'm known to be at times, but this is a genuine fear. The thought is plaguing my mind. If this fear becomes reality, I know I will want to die, and yet be unable to do the deed. Or perhaps that time, if it comes, will be the exception. I don't want to think about it, yet I can't help obsessing, it won't get out of my mind: what if I'm right, and she does leave me? I have that feeling in my like I had the week before Katie broke up with me, only it's worse, exponentially so. It hasn't happened, and yet I still want to lay down and die. She is the most important person in my life. God, how it plagues me. I would call her, but I would rather suffer than to wake her up. How twisted is that? I have a feeling that I will do something some might consider stupid tomorrow night if things go the way I fear...