more elaboration

While I wait for her to call. I've been sick with worry all day about this call. But, I wish to continue with last night's post. Namely, should I answer the question: What kind of Christian am I? Ah, self-reflection. I am always full of doubt and pessimism. I cannot help but analyze things, and often when I do, I find things that contradict what I've been raised to believe. I am on a personal quest for the ultimate Truth to everything, a quest which will probably never come to an end. I will always be left with questions.

Now, I don't question moral teachings...well, I do, but whenever I do, I find the answer in the Bible and interpret it as I see fit. This may or may not agree with what I've been taught, but I think it is best if I read it for myself.

I've always argued that it is better to believe in God and be wrong than to disbelieve and be wrong. Imagine that someone went around saying that you didn't exist, and treated you as such. You wouldn't be happy with them, would you? Same concept. So, among the things I doubt. Creation of the world. How did it really happen? from one perspective, the odds of it happening by itself in this universe are really nonexistent, even with billions of years to do it in. Evolution, perhaps I can believe, to some extent. But, notice I said "in this universe". There is a theory that there are multiple, perhaps infinite other universes that all interact, and these are universes eternal. So, it follows that while it might not happen in one universe, it's bound to happen in another at some point if chance has an eternity to operate in. Of course, that's really beyond the scope of modern science to prove.

But, changing topics, perhaps my problem IS my need to know things. The whole idea of the Bible is having faith, and that doesn't sit well with me. I used to be trusting. It used to be easy for me. But the older I got, the more knowledge I gained, the more I lived and experienced life, it has become so difficult to accept things. I always want proof, assurance, not just in spiritual matters, but in everything. What little faith I have is very personal and private. I don't like to talk about it with others, pray out loud, etc. Same goes for my relationship with God, as rocky as that has been in the past several years. I wish I had the strength to fix it...I wish there was someone I trusted enough to help me, but there isn't.

*sigh*...I wish she would call and put me out of my misery or deeper into it, which ever way it goes...this waiting without knowing is killing me.