it's been weeks....

I know....but this is not an update on my doings. This is just to clear my head. Megan came here as planned this past weekend, and some stuff happened Saturday night. No, we did not have sex, but we came close. I'm not going into details. This is about my thoughts that I was having after she read her journal entry about this weekend. She wanted to know them, but I told her that I would figure them out when I wrote about this weekend.

There is nothing I can say that could describe how I feel...well, perhaps there is, but I don't have the heart to write them. I got this feeling this evening when we were about to hang up. She said that she would leave me to my thoughts. Perhaps I'm reading too much into things, but she said goodnight, and I waited for her to tell me that she loves me, as she usually does, but she didn't. Instead, I told her that I loved her, and she said it back, but it seemed like she said it rather reluctantly. Then she hung up. Hmm...perhaps you'd like to know what lead up to this. She was talking about her guilt over what we did this weekend. She said it interfered with her relationship with God, that this "immoral behavior" kept her from having the kind of relationship she'd like to have. At this point is when she asked me about my thoughts. I said that what we did scared me because I had never gone that far before, and it bothered me that I did. This upset her, that that was my reason. I did not elaborate, at which point she said she would leave me to my thoughts, and so on.

Well, allow me to elaborate. I know we shouldn't have done it, what we did. I regret it, everything about it. I wish I could take it back. That is not what is bothering me though. I can get past that. It's done and I can't go back and change it. Worse things have been done, and I believe in God's forgiveness. Not that it is an excuse to go out and do stuff like that, but...what I'm scared of now, God, I'm even scared to write it...I'm scared that I'll lose her because she'll decide that I'm not the kind of Christian she wants to be with. Perhaps I'm exaggerating, being paranoid, as I'm known to be at times, but this is a genuine fear. The thought is plaguing my mind. If this fear becomes reality, I know I will want to die, and yet be unable to do the deed. Or perhaps that time, if it comes, will be the exception. I don't want to think about it, yet I can't help obsessing, it won't get out of my mind: what if I'm right, and she does leave me? I have that feeling in my like I had the week before Katie broke up with me, only it's worse, exponentially so. It hasn't happened, and yet I still want to lay down and die. She is the most important person in my life. God, how it plagues me. I would call her, but I would rather suffer than to wake her up. How twisted is that? I have a feeling that I will do something some might consider stupid tomorrow night if things go the way I fear...