a good question

Is the question "Why?" Always fun to ask. In this case, I will ask, "Why, in the last few years, have the moments of pain, darkness, and agony vastly outweighed the few evanescent moments of happiness?" Just last night, I was happy. Now, I can barely remember what happiness is. Oh, I know what the problem is, at least, tonight's problem, but I dare not give it words, not even here. I feel ready to burst from frustration, but I cannot give it an outlet; no one would understand or sympathize.

It's frustrating not knowing what to do with yourself, where you're heading in life, or if you're making the right commitments. I know what I'm talking about, so I guess that will have to be good enough. I suppose if the right person asked, I would tell them...not about tonight's problem, but about commitment. *sigh* I never envisioned myself with this problem. It makes sense in my head, but does it in my heart? Somewhere, deep down, I do dare to dream, and it's not turning out the way I had dreamed it. Now I've allowed myself to be caught up in this situation, and there's no way out of it...well, there is, but I don't want to consider it. But, if I open that door, what terrible things await me on the other side? I would be free, yes, but defenseless against the old demons that would return to me...and I would have no promise of relief from them, ever.

It's nothing that is done that gives me doubt, but what is said about the future. When two strong forces oppose each other, what's to keep them from destroying each other? Despite the niceness that blankets internal turmoil, rebellion, disagreement, etc., eventually it will boil out of control and consume those involved.

Well, I had wanted to say more, but I got a phone call, and that kind of killed my thought process. So, allow me to conclude by saying that I hope John Lennon is right, and that all we need is love.