too early

Have to get up at 5:15am tomorrow. of course, I remember a time when I did that regularly. That was back when my mom drove me to school in the mornings. But now, it...no apostrophes again...it is too early. We have a choir concert in Charlotte tomorrow, it does not start until 2pm, but we have to be there anyway. For warm ups or whatnot. had my voice jury today, forgot a line of "Music of the Night". But everyone listening outside the room loved it. Apparently, girls like my voice...hehe. I hope I get a good job for this summer. Audrey from Charlotte called earlier, but I missed her call because of my jury. Called her back a little bit ago, left a message. hopefully she calls me back tonight. *sigh*....what can I do until my laundry is done? dang it, the CTRL+A does not work again...

published

I got my poem published in "The Lyricist"...didn't win the contest though, all the winners were on the staff of the magazine...which, a few others and I think that's unfair. But, "Dishes" got published. Didn't have weight training today. Yay. have to be at the Fine Arts Building at 5:45am on Saturday so we can get to the Charlotte gig on time. Fun. Maybe I'll get to see Audrey though, she lives in Charlotte. We're hoping to meet for dinner. I hope that works out. having conversation with the other Audrey, so I think I'll go...

tomorrow, tomorrow...

I don...damn, not again....no apostrophes...and I figured out that it is not Blogger, but Firefox...and it does it randomly...'''see, now I can do it...I don't know why...anyway, I don't think I have weight training tomorrow morning, but I might go over there just to make sure. Anyways, I want to see if he's made any progress on our projects. The guys that started the microwave fire confessed in the hall meeting today...they have to replace the microwave and sweep the rooms once everyone is moved out. New age in Utopia started today, I forgot it was starting, so I didn't get to do a final analysis of the kingdom and my province. sad. went to the shrink today, I'm still on the same pills. He says that if I feel like cutting, I should take a thick rubber band, put it around my wrist, pull it back and snap it. Wonder if that will work. Ate dinner with Megan, we watched Episode III...though, I think I mentioned that yesterday, that we were going to do that.

stuff's happened

this morning, to be precise. about a quarter to 1am. someone set fire to something in the lobby microwave. The smoke was so thick that I could hardly see the door on the other side of the lobby. Smelled horrible, too, naturally. anyway, I was asleep when the fire alarm went off, I put on my shoes and as soon as I saw the smoke on the 421 side of the dorm, I went out the other end. Forgot to grab my iPod, need to get in the habit of that...has my computer files backed up on it. anyways, the fire marshal wouldn't let us back into the building until someone confessed to starting the fire. Of course, it didn't occur to him that whoever it was might have left as soon as it caught fire, and they might have been from another dorm. SO, the firemen actually sat in our lobby watching TV (in the lobby where the microwave was, no less), while we had to wait outside. They finally let us back in about 2:30am. So, all in all, I got about five hours of sleep...not enough. But the good news is, in weight training, all we did was turn in our projects and leave. Took a test in Anatomy and Physiology...I suck. I don't think I did well unless I made really good guesses. It's ok, I guess, though...I've done well in lab, and we have the exam coming up. One test won't kill me, I can still make an A, which is what I need. Tomorrow I'm going to see the head shrinker again. Gotta tell him about cutting a couple of times. Also need more meds, I'm out of the lamictal. So, not only do I have to go to Fayetteville, wait at the doctor's office, get a haircut, I also have to wait at the pharmacy...not to mention I plan to go to the coliseum to see about getting tickets for the Project 86 concert. It turns out that it is a part a two-day skate show...I want to see if I can just get in to see the concert. I hope so...it will suck if they come to Fayetteville, like I've been wanting for so long, and I can't see them. Probably have to get Alex's mom to get the tickets for us, and i'll pay her back for mine. Anyway, after all that, I'm coming back, and Megan wants to watch Episode III, so I have to give her a synopsis of Episode II because she hasn't seen it. Just as well...Episode III is better, and I can't find my copy of Episode II anyway.

ah, discovery

Drew discovered my blog...didn't like some of the things I posted. Well, at least he cares. Amber messaged me back (finally), she's not interested. oh well. what's another rejection? There's a choir party tomorrow afternoon, I'm going to go to that before I go home. Finished "Return of the King" with Megan this evening. Edward called her, she had me answer the phone at first, he hung up, then called back, and she talked to him even though I advised her to just hang up on him. I think that's all I feel like saying today...

why do I even do this?

for posterity, I suppose. I....holy, not again...I cant use an apostrophe...again...anyway, I am tired. I just want this week to be over. Stuff has happened though, so I should write about it. Megans ex, Edward, was drunk and high a couple of nights ago, driving, and he flipped the car and killed one of his passengers...he is now being charged with 2nd degree murder. Megan is very upset, I spent a lot of time with her yesterday trying to help her feel better. She went to a psychiatrist today, got some medication (finally), so I am glad she is doing better. Turned in my psychology paper today, still working on the weight training project, due Monday. I still do not know how I am going to get 15 pages out of it. well, I think I am going to sleep...and by the way, I still have not heard back from Amber after I messaged her telling her that I like her....aw hell, I cannot do the "Ctrl+A" trick...

yawn

tired, but I will post anyway. Went to Cirque du Soleil...damn, it wont let me use an apostrophe!!!...anyway, went to Delirium, it was awesome...it better have been, since my mom paid $100 a ticket. Spent all day with Brian, Drew, and Alex, went to dinner, went to the mall, spent some time with Audrey helping her with her book. Gotta do more job searching tomorrow, and work on my psychology paper. ah, now I can use an apostrophe...weird...see, first I can't (note the '), now I can. *sigh*...can't really help but like Audrey...I really do, but she...she just doesn't want a relationship with anyone for years, if ever. I'm just a sad person, I guess...pitiable. Pining over someone that I can't have. perhaps I should just sleep, it's 1:30am...

hmm...

Give me love or give me death...or if you're God, you'll give me neither and expect me to deal with it. Probably shouldn't have said that, but I'm not afraid of death. I just can't kill myself, there's a difference. Gosh, I'm starting off dark tonight. Yeah, that's what happens when I don't take my medicine for a couple of days. Went to the wind ensemble concert tonight, it was a jazz concert. Very awesome. But hey, I feel sucky, so let's focus on that. Megan told me today that at first, I seem to people to be either arrogant or just plain weird. Wonderful. Then she says that by the time girls get to know me for who I am, they've already become my friend and would not be interested in dating me, because most people don't date their friends. Wonderful again. would anyone else like to list reasons why I'm always going to be single? Oh, yeah, I'm a pessimist. I'm not even going to continue on with this list, I could go on all night. I'm just going to go cry myself to sleep or something like that. I don't think cutting will help me feel better, this is more of a suicide sort of night, you know, the kind where I want to just die? Unfortunately, I've proved before that I can't kill myself...in fact, I just said that a few minutes ago. Can't do it, and God won't do it...anyone want to step in and help here? Didn't think so. Like I said last night, no one reads this, and no one cares if they do.

I'm roasting

Someone, just turn on the A/C in the dorms, we're cooking alive in here. It's April and the heat is still on. Felt pretty low last night. Went back and read that conversation with Katie where she broke up with me. Probably stupid, but I did it anyway. I'm having another night where I feel like cutting. It's only been two weeks, and I feel like it again. Just stressed and frustrated and lonely. Got two projects that are due within two weeks, haven't started on them. Was going to start my psychology paper tonight, but I want to ask Dr. Viehe a question first. I want to do it on cutting, but the book has nothing on cutting, and part of the paper has to be on what the book says about the issue. Damn, I want to cut so bad...but the window's open, and I don't want anyone to see...I just wish someone could help me. I'm so friggin lonely...and I hate how pathetic I sound. I hate me in general. But you already know this...."I know a life like mine is not a reason to fret, but I've been busy building scars that you will never forget..." I really wish I could cut, or just die. I'm not looking forward to the life of miserable loneliness that I am going to have. I know what you're thinking, that I'm too pessimistic. Prove me wrong. You can't. If God wants me to live this life, that's His business, but that doesn't mean that I have to like it. I'm listening to "Eternal" by Evanescence...wish it really was storming, I'd go out and sit in it. Maybe I'd get struck by lightning and die. But unfortunately, God apparently doesn't want me dead...He won't let me kill myself, he won't let me die of natural causes, he won't let someone else kill me in a car accident, just won't let me die. Why? I want to be dead. I want my life to end. *sigh*...I've just been begging God for a miracle. that's what it will take. I think I'll just go to bed. No one reads this garbage anyway, and if they do, they probably don't care.

because I can

I doubt I have any readers for my blogs, but hey, I'm doing this because I want to. anyways, let me think of some pointless things to say. My finger hurts. I'm sure you wanted to know that. In other news, I went to get some more applications today, and they're all online, so I have to do that sometime. Went over to Alex's this evening, and played some of his XBox 360 games, then we started watching "Full Metal Jacket"...the beginning is pretty hilarious. I'll write a review of it when we're done watching it, though, as a preliminary, it's probably going to get four stars from me. We have the pugs and Mason over this weekend, so five dogs to take care of. kind of hectic at feeding time and when we put them up for the night. But we got it done. Mason's in the garage, Molly's in her kennel, the pugs are loose somewhere in the house, and Hunter's right behind me, sleeping by my bed. ack, got a test on Monday, paper for psychology to work on, weight training project to do...like I said before, end of semester crunch...I think I'm just going to go to bed now, have church in the morning.

nothing really to say...

got back from our trustees gig last night about midnight. really didn't feel like going western civ this morning, but I went anyway. Ah, wait, I thought of something to say. Megan called me a little bit before 7am yesterday, very upset. Edward broke up with her yesterday morning. She's doing a little bit better today though. Had dinner with her, we walked around campus and talked. Watched "Runaway Jury" with her and Melissa, they enjoyed it. no choir tomorrow, so I can leave early if I want. Heck, if I wanted to skip A&P, I could have left this evening...but I don't want to do that, there's a review for the test tomorrow. Anyway, I think I'll go...

end of semester stretch...

yeah...papers, projects and tests, oh my...half done with the first psychology paper, have two more to go in that class. First is due thursday. Then there is the ever-dreaded weight training project. fifteen pages of hell...I'm going to do something unprecedented and start on it a few weeks before it's due...in other words, this week or next and work on it a bit everyday and see what happens. Still hot in my room, so I just opened the window. If that's not enough, there are concerts to perform. Still three or four more to go, and those are wasted evenings where I can't work on my papers. You know, I recently stated in a survey that if there was a chance to go back into the past and change something, I wouldn't take it. I take that statement back. I would not take weight training. It sucks that bad. Can't wait for it to be over.
Damn...I'm so lonely right now. I just don't know what to do with myself...Holland said that if girls knew the real me, they'd be lined up for a chance to date me. Not sure if I believe that or not, but she does have a point. I'm quiet, and most people that I meet haven't the slightest clue what I'm like...perhaps enigmatic is a good way to describe me. But I can't help it...I am what I am. Said it before, I'm saying it again.

so little energy to write...

went to spring formal last night. It was a harrowing drive through Raleigh and Durham. We were caravaning, three cars, almost got into a huge wreck, got there safely, there was a jazz band, they were really good. blah, blah blah...put some pictures up on MySpace. i'm exhausted, bit depressed...we had a choir concert tonight. Can't really help it that Debbie reminds me of Katie in a way...that's part of what got me depressed...I suppose going without my meds last night is another part of it. Forgot all of that stuff when I went and stayed the night at Faith's. anyways, I'm back now, going to e-mail Holland, and then go to bed.