gah...

damn panic attacks...they've been really bad today. "There goes another one..." yeah, just as I'm sitting here typing. that line, by the way, is from star wars, Episode IV. ah, what am I doing? I really don't have anything to say. Talked to Alex some tonight...Megan had a bad bout of homesickness yesterday, which I just found out today, is why she didn't call me to meet for dinner as we usually do on Tuesdays. Concert went well last night, I'm going to get the CD. Megan isn't, as far as I know, going to the formal now, so I'm probably going to go with Faith and Matt if I can. I know I'll get lost if I drive myself. Then again, though, I don't want to intrude on their time...I guess I'll just have to ask tomorrow. ack, I'll just stop now, I have nothing important to say.

should be asleep by now

but I'm not...obviously. Got my schedule for next semester, got everything the way I want it. Amazing. I don't know what I feel like...I feel...nothing. I hate that. Hmm...I seem to have a poem from choir tour that describes my feelings...so I will write it here and put it on my poetry blog at some other time.

Dead in my soul
No joy, no hurt
As they say,
No pain, no gain.
So am I,
A medicated
Miracle of man
Triumph of treatment
Result of remedy
All I am
I hate this
Merely extant life
It's wanting for spice
Be it bitter
Be it sweet
Emotion is color, and
Color is lost
In the wasteland
Of my heart and mind
So paint me
Any color
I don't care
Just take me out
Of this,
My emotionless hell.

not my best work, but it accurately describes my feelings. Guess it's another one of those days where I want to get off my meds. This feeling of nothing frustrates me. It's this nothing that makes me want to cut. I really want to, badly...I know it would disappoint people, people who I'm supposed to call if I ever feel this way, feel like cutting. But, it's late. I don't want to bother them...the only one that probably not asleep by now is Keri, and I don't need to burden her with another worry. And a few minutes later, it's too late anyway...

zzz....

that's what I feel like doing...well, maybe not, but it's what I'm going to do soon. Have to get up early tomorrow morning because we have a concert at a church service. many thrills. yeah, I'm back on campus tonight. Went to a dog show today, it wasn't bad...very chaotic though, there were twenty different rings, each with a different breed being shown. We stayed for the mastiffs, because my mom's friend was showing her mastiff. I never realized how huge those dogs were...at least 200lbs, and most of them dwarfed their handlers. Talked to Alex T. the other night for the first time in a while. she's doing ok...better off than Brian right now. FCS has gone down the drain since I left...become a drug dealing school, as Alex S. tells it. tons of people drinking, doing and selling drugs, and Peters won't crack down because she's trying to raise money for building a new campus...if people found out what was actually going on, it would be horrible PR, and probably a lot of withdrawals. heh. guess you can't learn morals at a christian school anymore, not from the students, not from the staff...kids selling drugs, and principal not turning them in for the sake of getting money. I'm just going to go to bed, not feeling so good...intestinal distress, if you want to know, lol.

the "B" word...

B as in Bored. That's what I've been tonight. I was so bored that, one, I did my history reading, and two, I sat there and counted the change in my bag...not including pennies, which are in a separate bag, I have $65.70 in change. I might be off by a bit, but not much. On the bright side, Project 86, my favorite band, is coming to Fayetteville the Saturday after exams! Gotta get tickets for that soon...anywhat...I don't have a date for the Spring Formal. Wonder how depressed I'll get...ooh, I shiver in anticipation. ah, the loneliness I feel now will pale in comparison, I think. *sigh* I'm stuck waiting for a miracle that will never happen...

heartburn

indeed...been studying not nearly enough for my lab practical on the rabbit tomorrow. Fifty percent of our lab grade. Not cool if I don't do well. Skipped weight training again...for the last time. I just don't like that class...I like lifting weights, it's something I'm going to continue to do after this semester, but I don't like the 15 page project, and I don't like having to work within a certain block of time...I'd rather he like, let us do our workouts, and then when we're done, leave. That would be nice. But that project...I guess I really need to take a look at that example thing he has...if it's the way I'm thinking, it won't be too awfully hard...just do a page on every topic in bullet statements or outline format. If it's essay format, I'm dead. I may have a Grade A "BS" machine in my head, but I can't BS 15 pages worth of stuff on a work out, I don't think. If I were, it would be my crowning achievement...but of course, this is college...have to step it up. I'll probably end up having harder assignments. I can't imagine writing a thesis or dissertation...*cough cough*...don't know what wrong with me. anyway, off to bed.

duh, um....

can't think of a title for this. well...aside from my brackets being trashed by the past two days' games, I'm doing ok. got back this afternoon, went to walmart, got back and had a message from megan, she wanted some company, so, I went over there, ate dinner over there, talked to her some, she's having an arguement with her boyfriend over him wanting to get a tattoo. Not sure I can help her out, because I see nothing wrong with it, though I did try to assure her that he wouldn't get AIDS or hepatitis if he did his research on where a sanitary place can be found. Anyway, we watched some of "The Village" until she started getting dizzy, so she went back up to her room, and I went back here. I'm tired now...though I will say, I'm having another one of those days where I wish I was in a relationship...you know the routine by now, so I won't burden your ears again...just going to go to bed, I think.

this will be short

as I have a headache and am tired. went and saw "V for Vendetta" today with Alex...that was so awesome...definitely going to buy it. Other than that, in the news...couldn't find Rhone last night, so we didn't bring him along for dinner. Many upsets in the NCAA tournament are messing up my brackets badly. Some random person from Fayetteville on MySpace added me as a friend...curious as to why, so I messaged them, hopefully I get a reply soon, I hate not knowing things like that. That's all for now.

because I feel guilty

For not posting, even though I don't really feel like it. Anyways, don't want to leave my readers hanging...even though I probably don't have any readers. Beth told me that she wants to talk to me, and that because she's 18, she feels like it's her decision who she talks to. Ah, can't tell you how good that makes me feel. And yes, for those that are wondering, it is my 19th birthday today. Not really celebrating till Friday night, when more people are available to go out to dinner with me. I still hope Audrey can go to the formal with me, she said it was right before her exams, but I told her she must be mistaken on the date, she probably thinks it's May 1, not April 1, which it actually is, and her exams aren't till the end of April. But anyway, I'm waiting for her reply. That's about it for now.

holy...

I have the chills....I think Beth...do you remember her? that girl from Teenlight? she just added me to her friends list on MySpace. Not sure...no, I'm pretty sure it's her. What am I going to say? Should I just pretend that the incident that resulted in her parents banning her from talking to me never happened? Should I tell her that I tried to kill myself that afternoon after I read that e-mail? Ignoring the topic would be ignoring the proverbial elephant in the room. But, having said how awkward it's going to be if it is her, I do hope it is. She was one of my best friends. But, until I find out more, I'm not going to say anything else...though, tomorrow I'll probably add in stuff I wrote over spring break on choir tour.