should be asleep by now

but I'm not...obviously. Got my schedule for next semester, got everything the way I want it. Amazing. I don't know what I feel like...I feel...nothing. I hate that. Hmm...I seem to have a poem from choir tour that describes my feelings...so I will write it here and put it on my poetry blog at some other time.

Dead in my soul
No joy, no hurt
As they say,
No pain, no gain.
So am I,
A medicated
Miracle of man
Triumph of treatment
Result of remedy
All I am
I hate this
Merely extant life
It's wanting for spice
Be it bitter
Be it sweet
Emotion is color, and
Color is lost
In the wasteland
Of my heart and mind
So paint me
Any color
I don't care
Just take me out
Of this,
My emotionless hell.

not my best work, but it accurately describes my feelings. Guess it's another one of those days where I want to get off my meds. This feeling of nothing frustrates me. It's this nothing that makes me want to cut. I really want to, badly...I know it would disappoint people, people who I'm supposed to call if I ever feel this way, feel like cutting. But, it's late. I don't want to bother them...the only one that probably not asleep by now is Keri, and I don't need to burden her with another worry. And a few minutes later, it's too late anyway...