Ravings of a Semi-Madman

Not, of course, to discredit what I say. I speak the truth, because the truth is the only thing worth speaking.

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Tuesday, November 29, 2005

loving the weather...

yeah....had to walk back to my dorm from the business building, where I had chemistry and biology...it was raining...and I left my umbrella in one of the classrooms in D. Rich last night, and it's gone...so, I got thoroughly soaked. Suppose you could say it matches my mood, though. Cried myself to sleep last night for the first time in months. I know that's probably due to the reduction of the zoloft to 100mg...which is still twice the normal dose....
I seem to be regressing though....back to the way I was when my depression first started...I'm withdrawing from everything, everyone. I feel just as alone now as I did back then...one step forward, two steps back...hold on, I need to check my laundry...ok, that's done. I've got friends...but what I've regressed to, I can't reach out for help. I'm almost back to the point where I need someone to reach out to me if I'm to get any help at all....and that's not good. Of course, given some of this information, some may be dismayed to know that I want to go entirely off of the zoloft...maybe if I'm fully feeling the depression again, I can lose weight again too, like I did before. I didn't loose it at dangerous rate...25lbs over three months, that's healthy. of course, I had a job too then...but I will, hopefully, next semester....which also means I have to get off my lazy bum and go get some applications filled out. maybe before I meet audrey tonight....but after I eat dinner, which I will do now.

Thursday, November 24, 2005

ai, what a world...

The subject for my rant today? Liberals, and this very interesting belief that some of them seem to have about Republicans and Christians. I was very confused when I saw the topic: Republicans wanting to ban Thanksgiving. *blink, blink* Where did this come from? Well, I still don't know exactly, because the author didn't give any evidence that the Republicans were seriously attempting this. All they talked about was that the spirit of Thanksgiving and sharing with others less fortunate than themselves was completely contrary to the beliefs of the Republicans and "born-again Christians". Well, I'm not going to speak for the Republicans, because I hate politics, and I don't entirely like the Republicans, but neither do I like the Democrats. There are aspects I like about both. As for Christians, well, I find it rather offensive, and definitely despicable for them to call me out on beliefs that I must "have" to be a Christian....quite obviously, they know nothing about Christianity. A popular thing among Christians has been the "WWJD" bracelets. What Would Jesus Do? it asks. So, as Christians, it is said, we should follow Jesus's example. What did he do? He healed people with leprosy. Those people were exiled from civilization because of their disease. They were "less fortunate" than Jesus, but he helped them. That's just one example, but it's enough. By reading this, we know that Christians should help people less fortunate than themselves. And also, they conveniently ignored the fact that in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina, a great deal of those providing food, water, and shelter for the evacuees were church groups, and many more that could not go donated canned food, bottled water, and clothes to the Red Cross to be sent to New Orleans.
Though, I can see where their ideas come from....certain conservative "Christians" have given people like me a bad name through their equally despicable behavior *ahem* Pat Robertson *ahem*....among others. They said our "beliefs" come from our emphasis on personal responsibility, saying that the situations people are in, be it poverty, unemployment, etc., are their own fault, and therefore, we should let them suffer. Again, not a Christian belief, folks. Yes, I do believe that bad things happen to people because of their own doings. To deny that is to deny simple logic, cause and effect. That doesn't mean we shouldn't help those people. Sure, it's good for them to learn from their mistakes, that way, they don't make them again. We should help them get back on their feet though, give them a chance to do it right. This is a Biblical concept: We humans make mistakes. We disobey the commands given by God. In short, we are imperfect, and God is perfect, that is the nature of God. Perfection doesn't tolerate imperfection. they cannot be together. They are opposites. However, God gave us a chance to make up for our imperfections through Jesus's sacrifice. His sacrifice makes up for our imperfections, and all we have to do is accept His gift and follow his commands as best we can. Funny enough, that includes helping people less fortunate than ourselves.
*sigh* People like this make me disillusioned with society, though. How dare they call themselves intellectuals, open-minded, when they hide behind their stereotypes and misconceptions? how dare they think that because they are "intellectual and open-minded" that they are better than me, a "close-minded", "ignorant" and "obsolete" Christian? Who are they to judge me by the actions of others? They are hypocrites....and so is Pat Robertson.

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

not again

yes, I do believe I'm depressed again, overweight again, so, here's the deal. I see the good doc tomorrow, I'm going to tell him that I'm going off of the zoloft, because it's not working anymore, really...it is to some extent, but not good enough to justify staying on it, due to my weight. I am fat. I would rather be thinner and depressed than fat, dumb, and happy, as Mr. Neff would put it. The new medicine is working alright with my panic attacks, but I really haven't been taking it long enough, I don't think....it needs to do better, so maybe he'll increase the dose. but the zoloft has to go.
So...what am I depressed about? do I need to tell you for the umpteenth time? Lonely isn't strong enough a word to describe it. I feel disgusting, due to my weight....I do believe that's half the problem, hopefully, if I go off the zoloft, and I'm taking that weight training class next semester...maybe by the end of the semester I'll be a bit easier on the eyes. all of my old sayings come to mind....that the fact that tons of different people have had successful relationships, and there's 300 million people in the USA, there should be someone for me, right? Wrong. Just because OTHER people have had successful relationships doesn't mean I will, because I'm different. everyone is different in some way. The population and size of the US actually makes it less likely that I will find someone, because well, the larger the search area and number of people I have to go through, each taking time, well....I only have so much time, you know. And there are other things to accomplish at the same time. Then there's my limited ability to "search"....I'm very reluctant to take the first step(s) (depending on the situation), and I'm either completely upfront and honest about my feelings (which has had no success so far), or I'm too subtle at expressing my interest, waiting until I get a clear sign that the other person is interested in me (which um, has only happened once, and as you know, that just ended, and it never really went anywhere in the first place...and Nikol doesn't count because I wasn't really interested in her to begin with)....aaaieee, the quandary...that isn't spelled right...I don't think...but it's 1am, I have an excuse. I can't be brilliant all of the time. So, what am I doing now? probing blindly, I suppose, I mean, I'm exploring one possibility right now, but I don't even know if I like her, I just started talking to her....basically, I'm waiting for a miracle, something that slaps me in the face so that everything makes sense, and i'm like, "Duh! why didn't I think of that before?" sort of thing...but I really am going to stop the zoloft, whether he likes it or not.

Friday, November 04, 2005

wow, second post this week

just bumming around before I have to go to Intro to Christianity. I'm doing alright....don't know why, but it doesn't bother me too much that Katie broke up with me. I guess, as Chrisanne said, her loss. Well, I finally get to see my psychiatrist again, and there are a few things I want to go over with him, so I'd better write them down here so I don't forget. One, I've been on a constant low for two weeks now. Two, my panic attacks haven't stopped....they've been reduced, but haven't stopped, so I'll probably need an increase in the Gabitril. Three, my weight. Ever since I started the Zoloft, I've been slowly gaining weight, and since he's increased it to 150mg, three times what I was on before, my weight gain has accordingly increased, because of my increased appetite. you see, when I wasn't on the medicine, when I first became depressed, I dropped from 175lbs. to 155lbs. in three months, and kept it there. I wasn't even trying. I started working out a little, and I got up to 165lbs., muscle, not fat. Well, I haven't been working out much, and I now weigh 185lbs. I'm disgusting. either he's going to have to cut back on the zoloft, end it entirely, or give me something that will not increase my appetite. Something. It has to stop. I hate my weight. I know 185 doesn't sound like much, but I'm barely 5'8". my dad is in excellent shape, is 5'11", and weighs 175lbs. so, yeah, for my height, I'm overweight. it doesn't help that the cafeteria doesn't use the healthiest products in their food.
well, aside from that, I'm going to the holly day fair tonight, after I take Randy home, because he lives in fayetteville. hopefully Audrey and Alex can go with me, because otherwise, I only have old people for company, and as previous experiences have shown, I don't do well in that situation. Well, I need to pack, so I'll go now.