interesting weather...

at least I think so. Apparently there were very strong mid and upper level winds today, because I watched a storm get ripped apart. Also, I was watching another storm, and saw cloud-to-cloud lightning, which is pretty rare. But on to other things. I talked to katie about what I wrote in my last post, she said that it wasn't her intention to give that sort of impression, and she thought it was what I wanted. So, that's cleared up, my main concern was not the kiss, but the motives behind it. Have no problems now. We went to smithfield today so she could meet my dad and Chrisanne. They liked her. then we went and saw "The Exorcism of Emily Rose", much better than "The Exorcist". the latter was almost funny, except for the vulgar and blasphemous nature of the film. The former had none of that. Um...what else....I got four tickets to Jeopardy...funny thing is, I asked for only three. Now I have to figure out who to take. Probably have to get there early to get seats, as it's first come, first serve, and they came right out and said they distributed more tickets than they had seats. What kind of moron developed that system? Now we'll have to get there a few hours in advance just so we can get a decent seat, or a seat at all. Hopefully it won't be as bad as Episode III. Well, as for that stalking issue with Rhone and Robin...long story, really, and I don't feel like telling it...but we'll try to get that worked out this week. well, I don't feel like writing more, so I'll go.

banner idea again

some stuff to say

well...I'm watching Rose Red right now...I write during a commercial break. Very good movie it is. it is a commercial now. Okay, what's going on. Katie and I were going to go swimming at Alex's, but Audrey hasn't been cleaning the pool, so it's green, and we didn't swim. We took my dog on a walk instead, then ate dinner with my mom, and then went to Alex's to watch "Drop Dead Gorgeous". It was actually pretty good, and even Alex liked it, even though he was thinking at first (as he told me), that he was only watching it because Katie was my girlfriend. We then went back to my house to look at some pictures I've taken here. Then I took her home. we had a bit of a discussion. General synopsis: I told her about what happened with Alicia, and also told her my policy concerning such an occurence. Allow me to refresh your memory: I will never cheat on any girl I'm in a relationship with, nor will I break up with that girl because I've found someone else I like. That will not even be taken into consideration. Katie is my girlfriend, so my policy applies to her. I told her as much. I asked her if she had doubts. She did, but was reluctant to tell me, so I told her some of mine, which, I only had two, and one (distance) is not an issue anymore. The other I will get to in a minute. Anyways, she had two as well: one, she wondered how much of her I could tolerate. I told her that I did not find her annoying or irritating in any way, she's not like Nikki in that respect. Her second was that she said she does not share my beliefs. I had already guessed this, both from being around her, her her subtle reactions whenever I mentioned God, and from the way her ex is. I asked her what she believed. She said she didn't know, and I think she's telling the truth. I told her that I can empathize with the feeling, because the past year or so, particularly as I've gotten here in college, a lot of what I thought to be true, I'm beginning to question. but that's a topic for later. Suffice it to say, for those who doubtless want to know right now. Yes, I still believe in God. But like I said, will discuss later. anyways, now for my second doubt that I told her. I said I didn't know what to do in a relationship. How am I supposed to know if she's someone that I can live with for the rest of my life (which is what I'm looking for, and I told her that)? How am I supposed to know how to advance our relationship (my exact words)? Well, what I meant by that was, emotionally, how do I know when it's safe to make more of a commitment, to let myself love her, to tell her I love her? Well, when I walked her up to the door, we hugged and held each other for a moment, and I was going to kiss her on the cheek, but she turned and gave me a real kiss. oh, hell. quite an experience. what bothered me was it was a very sexual kiss, more about physical desire than love, or so was my impression. She asked me if that was what I had meant by "advance our relationship"...I told her no, but I didn't explain...I will when we talk next.
*sigh*.....I wanted to talk to Alicia tonight, but she's at a concert, so then I called keri, but she was online with her boyfriend, so I didn't bother to ask her to talk to me, I know this is something I can't talk to Faith about....heck, I've got nowhere to turn now. how about to the shower, I could use that. That picture at the top? Pilz-e the squirrel, for our utopia banner.

I know, I know

I've been rather inconsistent with my posting the past couple of months or so....maybe less than that, I don't know. But, on to recent developments. Classes are fine, I'm taking voice lessons now, had my first one today. Faith and Matt are a pair, and so are Libby and David. well, there's something else, and Alicia's not going to like me putting it on here, but this is my way of expressing myself, and only Faith and Keri have this address...actually, since I changed addresses, I'm not even sure they have it anymore. So, Alicia, you don't have to worry about anyone finding out other than my Californian friends, who, unfortunately, I will probably never meet in person. So, here goes. Alicia and I had a serious conversation the other night. Thursday or Friday night, I think. The topic of conversation: the two of us. I had told Faith sometime after that night where Alicia had that episode with her roommate problems, that I really liked Alicia and I was feeling guilty because I already have a girlfriend, Katie. I promised Faith, and myself (because it's always been my personal rule) that I wouldn't cheat on Katie (or any girl I'm in a relationship with), nor would I break up with her solely because I think I've found someone that would work out better. In fact, that reason would never be taken into consideration should I ever decide to break up with her. Well, apparently, (Alicia told me this in our conversation) Alicia liked me too, which is why she came looking for me when she had that episode. Well, she told me this herself the night of our conversation. And she point-blank asked me if I liked her. To which, I said yes. I also told her how I felt about that, my guilt and my rules. Ultimately, we decided to be good friends, like siblings, which, she calls me her big brother, so she's my little sister...anyways, that's a summary.
also, today, after walking with alicia, I feel...drained, tired, numb. I felt like cutting again. I even have my knife with me. but I won't tonight. I feel like I'm on the verge of having an episode though. One thing that kind of depresses me is something Alicia said. She said we're connecting too fast for her comfort, and that her priority should be her friendships with other girls, and she's told me before that I need to get some guy friends. well, all of those are at home or at college. Keith and I don't really hang out in the same circles, and of the several guys I've met through faith and alicia, really only Matt and particularly Rhone, I would count among my friends...maybe Darrin too. I just...it's hard to connect with guys....it's all or nothing. there's really no middle ground, at least for me. I seem to be an oddity among guys...not that I'm effeminate or anything, not at all, I'm just different, I guess. and I'm not very social. i almost feel like I know too many people already....though that Troy guy does seem interesting....I don't know. I guess what Alicia said made me feel abandoned in a way. she's probably the only extraverted friend I have, and she reaches out to me like Josh I. did when he got me out of my shell....I don't know what to think anymore. One day at a time. Hopefully I can see Katie this coming weekend, because I miss her.