I oughtta just go to bed instead of doin this...

yeah, I'm tired, bored, I wanna talk to someone, but no one's on.....hmm, maybe I'll go sift through my archives....I'm going to meet my dad and Chrisanne in Smithfield tomorrow to exchange gifts. Maybe I'll get some bumper stickers for my car....I gave them my list of favorites, maybe I should post them here....aw, heck, why not, let me go find them....dang, it won't let me paste them into the post...I guess I'll just tell you the one's I put on my car when I get them.
And, further news today, I went and saw a movie with my mom, we went to see "Ocean's Twelve", it was really good, but you have to be smart to be able to follow it, because it's really complicated. I didn't quite figure it out, though it's rather impossible, you just know something's up, you know? anyways, not feelin too great here, my mom briefly introduced me to her coworker and her coworker's daughter. her daughter was pretty, about my age, wish I could've talked to her some, but this was in the theater. it just makes me start thinkin about how I'm out at the movies with my mom, I don't have any girls that would go with me, not likely to find one either until college unless someone sets me up on a blind date or something.....I'm just sick of being alone. I hate it. I mean, my friends are alright to a point, but that's not the companionship I need right now. you know, I was randomly thinking about what would happen to me if ever ended up going to prison.....I'd probably kill myself to get away from the loneliness....which is kinda strange, because I'd rather be in the isolation cell than with cellmates, but I'm talking about the emotional loneliness. Anyway, I guess the point of all this is, and this will come as no surprise because you've heard it so many times, but I need love. That's all I'm asking for right now. I know God has a plan for me in this area, I'd just wish he'd give me a flashlight so that I can see somewhat where I'm going. It amazes me how people can abuse their ability to attract others, to form relationships. Playa's, you know what I mean? The "hump-'em-and-dump-'em" crowd. They waste their lives and abilities doing this, hurt so many people, while guys like me can rarely ever manage even a single date. *sigh* I don't know where I was going with that, I'm going to go reminisce now.

lovely Christmas day....

That it is, just eatin poptarts and drinking hot chocolate with marshmallows. yum. and for the curious, I did break up with Nikki, it ended up being over the phone, because she brought it up, she wasn't happy, naturally, she said I didn't try hard enough, she didn't understand, wanted to know why, etc, but I think she's probably accepted it by now, even though she hung up when she started to cry. I feel bad for making her cry and all, but I'm not changing my mind. anywhat, hopefully I'll have new music to add to my playlist once I get through my new CD's. lokking forward to getting my ball redrilled so I can bowl again.

*sigh* gotta get it over with

yeah, hopefully tomorrow morning, then Alex and I can go do some stuff to wear off the residual stress. you know what I mean. gah, need music, and serena I think is trying to talk me out of it...okay, at least i have music...anywhat, I know that didn't make sense, what I mean is, I'm going break up with Nikki tomorrow...no that sounds to drastic, implies that I'm completely cutting off any symblance of relationship with her, I mean, just take it back to being friends like we were.....ugh this is killing me, gotta stop though.....can't expect her to understand. hmm...I'll have to talk to her outside, where I can get to my car before her relatives lynch me if she goes hysterical on the spot....funny, serena made me feel a bit better....knowing alex,he can relieve my stress, just the way he is....we're probably going to go bowling, then see Lemony Snicket's.....I'll be able to sleep tomorrow night though, that's certain. I'll be glad when it's over.....oi.

it's almost Christmas....

yeah, well this isn't the point of this post, which I will get to momentarily. Today, I'm going to get my new bowling ball, gonna be a nice one, and I still have to finish my christmas shopping. got work tonight, but considering the temp isn't going to get above freezing today, we had better not be busy. It had better be dead, very dead, cause I want to get out early. Anyway, now to the point. I've pretty much decided that I want to break up with Nikki, for a number of reasons.
One: first time she met Brian, this weekend, we all went to a movie, she treated him like crap, telling him to shut up, being very sarcastic, trying to tell him that her mom was worse than his dad (ha, yeah, right....), etc.
Two: she complains constantly. I know she's confiding in me and stuff, and that's how girls are sometimes, but it's like she's got this "poor-little-me" syndrome going on, and I know she exaggerates a lot, ie, the "concussion" her mom gave her. I mean, I'm not dissing her problems or denying that they exist, I'm just saying, the self-pity's getting old. Brian has it worse than she does, I never hear him complaining all the time.
Three: She has stronger feelings for me than I do for her, and, as we discussed a while back, that's not a good thing.
Four: I know this is a little shallow, but considering that there's no huge amount of emotion towards her, and no long-term commitment, I can take this into consideration. Her breath stinks. Bad. I'm serious, if I'm sitting next to her, and I breath through my nose, I'll be trying not to gag. Brian could smell it when he was in the back seat. it's that bad.

Okay, got my list down, that's not everything, it's sufficient, but how do I go about doing this? I do have one idea, not sure how good it is, it's very me-like, which is practical and efficient, but probably not the most sensitive or caring. Basically, next time I see her, I tell her it's over, not going to list specific reasons, and above all, I will not get dragged into a discussion of why, I'm just going to leave it at "It's over and done with, sorry" sort of thing. What do you think? Comments, please.

To my very miniature audience....

I have returned. my comp's been shot forever and a day, spyware infected, got it fixed, I'm back into things now. Me and Nikki went out the sunday before last, we'll probably go out again. I'm feelin better about me and her. Tonight was a game night and there was that talent show. I did "Flood", just me, my singing wasn't bad, but had some bad probs with "technical difficulties", I won't go into that. oh, yeah, note to everyone on MSN that reads this, the techies had to reload windows, so everything is gone....have to redownload MSN Messenger, you'll probably have to give me your sn's. anyway, back to the show...the talent show, I mean. Well, between the game and the show, pretty depressing night. Even though I'm back on my upped meds, I still feel crappy....at least I don't feel like cutting anymore....that is one thing that the meds fix. I really don't need to describe my feelings, my earlier posts suffice, but why should I feel that way now? I mean, Nikki must like me a lot, she tells me she loves me, I mean what kind of girl says that after the first date? but I'm probably just ignorant, obviously, I've had no personal experiences in this department. I guess what bugs me is that I don't think she means it the way I want her to mean it. I don't doubt that she feels something for me (why, i have yet to figure out), but whether it's honest-to-God love or just an infatuation of sorts is what I'm debating. Naturally, I want the real thing, and I know that takes work, and I'm willing to work for it, I just think that she shouldn't say it if it's not real. I mean, I feel guilty when I say "I love you too" because I don't have that real deep love for her yet. I want to, but it's just not something that you can rush. Oh, yeah, another thing that bugs me....this is completely new territory for me, and she's been there before plenty of times. Surely she has some expectations as to what our relationship will/should be like, and what I will do/how I will lead (as is "tradition"....I hate that tradition...but that's a different debate, I'll write on it later)....so what are her expectations? Is she willing to adjust them due to my noviceness in the area of relationships? I guess I just need to have a serious talk with her before go too much further. Well, I still have to put up some new poems on my other blog, etc, so I'll be going now.