To my very miniature audience....

I have returned. my comp's been shot forever and a day, spyware infected, got it fixed, I'm back into things now. Me and Nikki went out the sunday before last, we'll probably go out again. I'm feelin better about me and her. Tonight was a game night and there was that talent show. I did "Flood", just me, my singing wasn't bad, but had some bad probs with "technical difficulties", I won't go into that. oh, yeah, note to everyone on MSN that reads this, the techies had to reload windows, so everything is gone....have to redownload MSN Messenger, you'll probably have to give me your sn's. anyway, back to the show...the talent show, I mean. Well, between the game and the show, pretty depressing night. Even though I'm back on my upped meds, I still feel crappy....at least I don't feel like cutting anymore....that is one thing that the meds fix. I really don't need to describe my feelings, my earlier posts suffice, but why should I feel that way now? I mean, Nikki must like me a lot, she tells me she loves me, I mean what kind of girl says that after the first date? but I'm probably just ignorant, obviously, I've had no personal experiences in this department. I guess what bugs me is that I don't think she means it the way I want her to mean it. I don't doubt that she feels something for me (why, i have yet to figure out), but whether it's honest-to-God love or just an infatuation of sorts is what I'm debating. Naturally, I want the real thing, and I know that takes work, and I'm willing to work for it, I just think that she shouldn't say it if it's not real. I mean, I feel guilty when I say "I love you too" because I don't have that real deep love for her yet. I want to, but it's just not something that you can rush. Oh, yeah, another thing that bugs me....this is completely new territory for me, and she's been there before plenty of times. Surely she has some expectations as to what our relationship will/should be like, and what I will do/how I will lead (as is "tradition"....I hate that tradition...but that's a different debate, I'll write on it later)....so what are her expectations? Is she willing to adjust them due to my noviceness in the area of relationships? I guess I just need to have a serious talk with her before go too much further. Well, I still have to put up some new poems on my other blog, etc, so I'll be going now.