It's fun to write while you're falling asleep

I've done that in Calculus twice. my writing makes little sense, if you can read it at all. Anywhat, I'm off till Sunday, tomorrow's homecoming, plus, since we don't have sixth period tomorrow, I can leave after fourth period and don't have to come back till seventh, and even that's optional, since it's a pep rally, but I don't want to miss it in case Josh's "Rally Baboons" do anything special. AND....I'm playing in the pep band for homecoming. We have some good songs, if we could just play louder. I don't have any problems, I'm the bass drum, so I can whack it loud enough, it's all the others that have a problem. got a paper to write tonight, doing it on homosexuality, arguing two points, one, that it's not genetic (despite what the media tells us...read about it at narth.org, it's a reputable medical site), and two, from a Christian standpoint, it is a sin.
Anywhat, obviously my meds aren't working properly, if you read my last post. I don't even want to think about it, 'cause it hurts.

oops

the site is narth.com instead of .org. A thousand pardons.

another interesting night

Fall party was tonight. it was mediocre. good music this time, though. Tried to do some tricks with a staff, but it turns out that the thing that Mrs. Trevino gave me was EXTENDABLE, so when I started the second spin, it extended to about ten feet long. that made things really tough on me, but I went with it. still embarassed though, cuz I know I'm really good, but it's hard to do good tricks with something that long. I'll have to bring a staff to the Fall Fest, show a couple of people what I can really do. Danced with Amber, Caitlin, and Helen. hmm....so how am I feeling besides tired and deaf? The pain is dull, but constant. I don't even need to rehash all the old lines that describe my feelings. this is a half-and-half night. strike that. it's a cynical depression night, mostly. I'm just frustrated with everything (not literally, but you know what I mean). I'm going to see if I can see another psychiatrist, or maybe just stop seeing one all together. Not sure how I'm "supposed" to be feeling while on my current dose, but things would be a lot simpler if I didn't have to take it at all.
God, I'm so lonely. it's the ultimate misery. I wish it could end, but it probably never will. I don't care if my mom sees this. it's a thought I had a while back, but unless I find somebody, and I mean, like, I'm gonna marry them type of "find somebody, and therefore, change my mind, I'm gonna kill myself when I turn 30. end of my story, I don't care. that's my limit. I will not stand this pain any longer than that.

stupid panic attacks

yeah, really. I hate 'em. one heck of a week. really busy. busy through sunday, and I won't know what next week will be like yet. work tonight, judging by wednesday night, tonight will be pretty busy....not as bad as summer, but close. I am so looking forward to October, when it gets cooler....it's already starting to now, but it's just mild out right now....the kind of days where you want to just stay outside. Talked to Jordan on wednesday, but I can't go into it now, mom's home.

whew, big storm

yeah, it was. anyway, no work tonight, and I'm guaranteed off next Saturday for the Fall Party. We're having a meeting for the praise band on Monday. We got the athletic director to lead us, and he's got equipment we can use, like, a couple of 800 watt amps (ooh, nice!), mics, stuff like that. we have all the members we need, and his experience in doing this sort of thing. Still need lyrics for that one song, but I'm getting the chorus melody finished up. hmm, not much else, war's over, I'm trying to bring my income back up (it's Utopia i'm talking about, lol. I'm not crazy), it got messed up with the 70% draft, not to mention the lack of building investment. it should be back to normal by tomorrow, though. maybe I'll be able to break 400k nw by the end of the age. That'd be nice.

ack, no titles

Anyway, so much stuff to write. We're definitely going to Zambia for our senior mission trip. That's a $1900 trip. um, what else? Ceasefire in effect, war to end in 21 hours. We so got whooped. it's embarrasing. Us t/ms weren't enough to protect the attackers in our kingdom, so our best ones lost 200-300k networth each. I did reach a personal best in this war, though. Fireballed 13, 221 peasants in this one enemy province. That took his nw down 30k.
hmm, work tonight. hopfully it'll be quiet, we'll get out early. Gotta get out my calculator manual to figure out how to do something or other, some complicated statistics thing.

Oooh...

That's a frustrated "Oooh..." because we are so getting whooped on in Utopia. We forced this war on a kingdom 1 mill nw smaller than us, and they are kicking our a$$es. This is due to our t/m (thief/mage) department, or lack thereof. Myself and two others are the only active t/m's in a kd of 20 provs. Our biggest t/m, who is bigger than anyone in the other kd, is on vacation till the 16th. our second biggest, one of the active t/m's, has connection problems because the network he's using frequently crashes. so, it's pretty much just me and this girl who's smaller than me trying to cripple the opposition's attackers. we can both deal out a good bit of damage, but it's not enough. Our monarch says he's going to surrender, and asked for a ceasefire until he does. apparently, that request is not being honored. *sigh*
Anyway...I need sleep...I fell asleep in College Algebra. It's definitely slowing down at work, with the exception of Sunday....Arianna couldn't come in, so it was just me and two trainees...and we got slammed the whole night. At least we got everything done on time. Yesterday was pretty slow though. hope thursday and friday are too.
Medicine's starting to not work. Pain's coming back. That's why I've regressed. Going to see the doc tomorrow, so I'll tell him that....won't tell him, or anyone else that I've regressed, save Wesley (who already knows) and Jordan.

wow, look at the time...

sorry, random thought. anyway...dang, I need music...there, that's fixed....first song of the night: "Move" by Johnny Q. Public. You know I say anyway too much? Can you tell I'm tired, my thoughts are so illogical right now....goodquotes.com, good place to go. anyway....(see?)...today is September 11. I still remember what time it was, what class I was in, what I was doing, what i was thinking, when we were told what was happening. I was taking a vocab quiz in Mrs. Taylor's second period English class. I recall thinking as i wrote the date on that paper, "hmm, 9-1-1.....be funny if something happened today....lo and behold, a few minutes later, at 9:20, Mrs. Jenkins came in and told us what was going on. We went to the chapel and prayed for a half hour, then went to third period. We did nothing but listen to the radio. It was a live broadcast, and we actually heard one of the towers collapsing. it was sickening. needless to say, we didn't have any real "class" that day....just listened to the news and talked about what was going on.
All this comes to mind because I saw a banner calling everyone to remember both the losses and the heroic acts of that day. In Utopia, we're warring this kingdom, and the opposing monarch set that as his kingdom banner. I sent him a message commending his choice of banner and his patriotism.
Now, onto other fronts. I have to songs written, music-wise, I really like them, and as soon as I have put them to lyrics, I'm gonna teach them to our band and hopefully we'll play them in a chapel before Christmas.
hmm.....should I even bring it up? no, probably not. with my mom knowing about this site, I can't really talk about it. let's just say I've regressed, and leave it at that. You can fill in the blanks.

It's that time of day again...

yeah, the time where I post right before lunch. Oh, yeah, I never mentioned what happened with the Utopia thing. It worked out. Got into a kingdom, it fell apart after the monarch quit, so I defected, and now I've been in a 7 mill networth kingdom. I'll stay with it as long as I can. Anyway...I DO have to go into work tonight, the girl that had taken my hours for today changed her mind last night. Sooo, I have to work a sucky 6-close shift. Ooh, I am so counting down the days till October, when it really starts to quiet down as the weather gets cooler. here's how it works: October-March, good. April and September are transition months. May through August, bad, hell. That's how it breaks down. Dang, I'm so looking forward to nights where we're so quiet that we can get out in less than a half hour after close.
Anything else? oh, yeah, I wish Audrey would see a counselor, she could really use it. I think even more after talking with Alex last night. Sorry, food calls, I'm out.

Blah

I'm sick of coming up with titles. Have no good ones left. Anyway, didn't go to Jordan's, or my lesson, or work yesterday, the roads were flooded, and someone else wanted my shift anyway. Alex and I are working on beating Halo on legendary (again). Went over there last night, we only got past Truth and Reconciliation (the third level, I think) in two hours. That last level, we had to rely almost solely on individual suicide runs, where one of us waits in a safe spot while the other goes kamikaze and dies, then regenerates at the safe spot. Anywhat, forgot my med's last night, so we'll see how today goes. blah, I have to go to the dentist's today, ugh. I think I'm outta things to say.

one of my senior pics....see my sock? 

oh, what to do...

I just can't post all that often anymore, between school and work. oh well, I'm off school for the rest of the week, so I'll post every day to make up for it. Today sucks, it's not raining anymore, the system passed. Still, can't be that bad, I'm working 7-close on a Wednesday night, shouldn't be too bad of a night. Writing a new song, this time I actually have a tune for it, so it will likely be our first real song. Just gotta finish the lyrics, maybe write a musical bridge. Went to my dad's this past weekend for Chrisanne's 50th birthday, that was pretty fun. So, hmm....what else to say?
Med's seem to work pretty well. Counselor wants me to ask out a couple of girls this month, haha. Said it didn't matter who, or even if I liked them, haha again. I think that's pretty funny, actually. Considering it goes against my very nature. Two reasons: one, it's embarassing to ask some one out and they tell you they have a boyfriend already (kinda like trying to hook up with a married person, just not as bad), and two, well, as I have experienced, asking someone out tends to change the way they look at you, particularly if they say no. it just makes future contact, well, awkward for that person. I don't like to do that to people. To use my previous analogy of shooting blindly, it's like a near miss: they're going to think, why'd he shoot at me, and I wanna stay away from him so he doesn't shoot again. That sort of thing. This becomes a big problem when your school is small. Because of size, everyone is closer, frequent contact is inevitable. I mean, there's 180 people in our high school. But he's right about another thing, that I need to expand my horizons. Basically, I need to meet new people, get out of my normal stomping grounds, go somewhere new to look. Hard thing to do, with my schedule. He's gonna help me out though, that's what he said. Blind date, or find a place for me to go, something like that. Anyway, lunch time, then I gotta call jordan, see if I can go over there.