another interesting night

Fall party was tonight. it was mediocre. good music this time, though. Tried to do some tricks with a staff, but it turns out that the thing that Mrs. Trevino gave me was EXTENDABLE, so when I started the second spin, it extended to about ten feet long. that made things really tough on me, but I went with it. still embarassed though, cuz I know I'm really good, but it's hard to do good tricks with something that long. I'll have to bring a staff to the Fall Fest, show a couple of people what I can really do. Danced with Amber, Caitlin, and Helen. hmm....so how am I feeling besides tired and deaf? The pain is dull, but constant. I don't even need to rehash all the old lines that describe my feelings. this is a half-and-half night. strike that. it's a cynical depression night, mostly. I'm just frustrated with everything (not literally, but you know what I mean). I'm going to see if I can see another psychiatrist, or maybe just stop seeing one all together. Not sure how I'm "supposed" to be feeling while on my current dose, but things would be a lot simpler if I didn't have to take it at all.
God, I'm so lonely. it's the ultimate misery. I wish it could end, but it probably never will. I don't care if my mom sees this. it's a thought I had a while back, but unless I find somebody, and I mean, like, I'm gonna marry them type of "find somebody, and therefore, change my mind, I'm gonna kill myself when I turn 30. end of my story, I don't care. that's my limit. I will not stand this pain any longer than that.