Intelligence report, cap'n

yeah, that's what I'll be giving to Jordan tomorrow, hopefully.....even though it's not a very good one. Anyways, that about sums up the bad news. on to the good stuff. Psychiatrist put me on new meds, two different ones this time. Very interesting....wonder if they'll work any better. Went and got a new guitar and amp. Very nice, heh heh heh. Though, I am hearing a radio station, very faintly, on my amp when it's on the dirty channel. weird. anyway, last night was Luke's last night, so I went to see him. I gotta work tonight, don't even know who with, but it shouldn't be too bad, it's raining, and it's a tuesday.....it WAS raining....hope it rains more, I like rainy days.

aiee, so busy

yeah, lots of homework tonight because I fell asleep yesterday afternoon and didn't get any of it done before I had to go to work. So, I have two assignments in both my math classes, vocab homework, two spanish assignments, and I have to finish my descriptive essay for college english.
We're picking out a class song for this year, I suggested "Look" by Watashi Wa. Don't think that one will be it, but it'll beat some of the others suggested. Frankly, I think it'll be that Reliant K song Jordan suggested.
Well, what's been going on since I last posted? Went on the high school retreat to Camp Dixie. The seniors went the night before all the others, and the senior guys were up the whole night. Brad and Lucas wouldn't let anyone sleep. They threw Joe in the shower twice, went into room 5 with the vacuum several times, blocked the door to Room 5 where Joe, Jason and Zack were trying to sleep, and sprayed bugspray under the door. they had to crawl out the window. Jason went to sleep in his car. Then they put toothpaste in Joe's hair, sprayed Mark with bugspray while he was sleeping. I borrowed Jason's camera, I was filming everything that night. the highlight was the towel fights between Josh and Ryan....they tied one end of the towel into a knot and tried to whip each other. You should have seen the welts they had when they were done. needless to say, I got about three minutes of sleep around six am when I dozed off on the couch.
We spent half the day in chapel, I kept nodding off, even while standing and singing. it was like "hey, wait a sec, they're on the chorus already". spent the rest of the day taking pics and writing a song. These two girls, a sophmore and a freshman, had me take three pics of them. You can read the song I wrote on my poetry and lyrics blog.
What does it mean? Well....basically the softest touch it talks about is when a girl, particularly one I like, touches me for whatever reason. If you've ever read the book "The Five Love Languages", you'll know what I'm talking about when I say that physical touch is my love language. For those that don't know, the five languages are gifts, quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service, physical touch. they are the five general ways that people receive love. Each person is sensitive to different ones. I'm most sensitive to touch. So, when that touch comes, but it's not out of any love for me, it hurts so bad inside. Maybe you can't understand, but that's how it is for me. also, seeing couples close physically, that evokes the same feelings. jealousy, I guess. whatever it's from, pain's the same. Funny talking about pain.....I've had a strong desire to go back to cutting again. I want to do it deeper, leave bigger scars. I can't though, I've promised too many people I wouldn't....my mom, dad, Chrisanne, my counselor, Jessica.....I've just got no outlet. There's also this other issue I'm dealing with, but I can't talk about that here....I'll talk with Jordan about it tomorrow, he's dealing with the same thing, I think. anyway...till later...

i'm bored

don't get much time to post anymore, between school and work. gotta go in tonight, but first, the everpresent homework, gotta go out and pick up pinecones. I'm tired, feel pretty crappy today, feel alone. Will that feeling ever go away? It's so frustrating I could scream and cry at the same time. I feel like I have to do something, anything, but there's nothing that I can do. The opportunity to do something about it has not yet presented itself, and I can't force it to, can't make it happen no matter what anyone else thinks.

just another day

can't come up with a more creative title. med's aren't doing too good today. it's just the need for that kind of companionship, you know? As creative a writer I am, there is no satisfactory description I could write that would express that pain, that empty loneliness. oh, hey, it's that song again.....and the shadow is still here. I cannot forsee it lifting, ever. My whole life has been, apparently, about preserving the status quo. Something I picked up from my mom, no doubt. Well, let me say emphatically, the status quo SUCKS. I've made a lot of changes in my life this past year, but it's apparently not enough. Despite my efforts, I'm still alone, still ignored. funny that Jordan feels the same way. And he's got a lot more going for him than I do. He's extremely intelligent, talented athlete, a lot of girls like him, just not the right ones. Makes me feel like my whole life has been one huge experiment in futility. I know some would say it's not, that I do have a purpose, but you know humans: a lot of hindsight, practically no foresight. man, I'm hungry....be right back.
k, got that taken care of. you know what I really need? a blind date, seriously. someone needs to set me up. maybe jennifer would.....I know brian's been looking for a while, but no luck. I know it doesn't have very good odds to back it up, but.....hey, it'll be an experience either way. I got nothin left to say, I'm outta here.

It's here

yeah, this was the first day of school. Our principal's house got TP'd last night, they caught it on film. Got back from that camp this weekend. it wasn't bad, scenery was nice. my butt still hurts from the Hummer ride. Landed on Jordan's knee. We were going downhill, hit a three-foot mogul, I went up and he slid under me, and when I came down, well, you get the idea. The increased med's are giving me mood swings. Seriously, Saturday night, in less than ten seconds I went from laughing, joking around to crying. It was like that the whole weekend. Also, it's making me hyper, I can't stand that. if it gets worse when he increases the dosage, I'm gonna stop taking it. it's just not worth it if it's gonna make me like that.
I cashed my change bag, I had about $80 in there. I needed the money, trust me. I wrote a new song, it's on my poetry blog. Check it out. oh, yeah, and in a couple of more paychecks, I should be able to afford an electric guitar, maybe even an amp.

the countdown continues

yes, it does, and in more ways than one. I've got four hours max before i have to leave to get to my church on time for that camp thing we're going to, back-to-school retreat or whatever. Not sure what to expect. it's somewhere in the SC mountains, and i'll be gone all weekend. I still have to pack and go to Walmart to get a couple of notebooks for school, which starts Monday. Oi. Really depressing night last night. Can't say too much, my mom will probably read this. that sucks, I'm no longer free to write anything I want. damn. that REALLY sucks. Anyway, still got some stuff to do, gotta go.

the last week

As in, last week before school starts. really bites. I went and registered yesterday. finally have a top locker. But what's really weird is my schedule. Listen to this. Before 1st period, I have band. 1st period is the college math class, then I have the college spanish class, then AP Calculus, then Honors English, then Bible, then the college english class, then chorus. So, two math classes and two english classes. I don't mind the math so much as I do the english.
My psychiatrist increased my meds. The way he was talking, it sounded like he knew that what he had me on wasn't going to be enough, that it was just a trial run to test for side effects. Wish he'd have told me that instead of acting like I really didn't have a problem. Hey, I'm sitting here peeling skin off my shoulder. As if I didn't have anything better to do. Which I do. I have to write up a flyer for the spaghetti dinner fundraiser for my mission trip. Then, I have to go distribute these. what fun. I hate talking to strangers. Especially because it's awkward to go into a place of business, and tell them you're not looking to buy anything, but to sell them something. then there's the problem of collecting the money. Since I'm doing this by flyer, it will be a little trickier. I'll just have to manage.