Wow, it worked

I was just looking through some profiles, found this girl with a bunch of similar interests, and she had her AIM sn posted, so I thought I'd give it a try. It worked! I'm talking to her right now. okay, now that I finished giving her the Flood tabs, I can continue...kinda...oi, I think I'm gonna give up till tomorrow, I'm talking to three people, and I can't write...aiee...

Late Night with You-know-who

yeah, it's late, and I'm tired, but I'm doin this. Went to this place with Jennifer, a bunch of people playing bluegrass music. it was pretty cool, this one guy told me to bring my guitar next time, said he'd show me how to play some stuff. Then other guy, he smashed a stink bomb right next to me, it was only the size of a pill, but DUDE.....that was putrid. Jen nearly puked. We left right after that. She dropped me off here, and I showed her that new song that I wrote. Noticed how beautiful she is, depressed me a little. I mean, she's just a friend, a really good one at that, but I couldn't help envying Chris M. a little. oh well. I'm over it now. I'm lucky to have her as a friend, and I need to keep my outlook on life positive, I realize that. That outlook says that there is someone out there for me that is better for me than anyone else, and that it won't be too much longer before I find her.
I really don't have the energy to say any thing else tonight, I'm tired, so I'm outta here.

forgot something...

One of the girls I liked, she was so pretty...reminded me of Melanie, you know, my book character. Just the way she was, kind of fit the profile. She said she is good at golf, like, shoots par average. I'd pay fifty bucks to see her and Joe play each other. That would be so cool...

Food for thought?

why'd I name my Utopia province that? yeah, I started that up again. Hope I'm in a good kingdom. I seem to be, but I'll reserve judgement until I see how they respond to a newcomer.
Aside from that, I'm sure you're anxious to hear about the forensic science camp. I really enjoyed it, the people were cool, it was pretty fun. It was actually challenging (imagine that...something actually stretched my brain). I only wore my wallflower suit for the first hour or two, but I was right about the depression. I got very depressed. See, that has to do with the fact that there were two girls that I liked...I'm sure you can fill in the blanks. I won't mention any names anyway because I know that one of them is probably going to read this. Found out that one of the girls there liked me, she told me last night on AIM. Found it flattering, but I'm just not interested. I mean, she'll probably end up as one of my friends, but no more than that. why is it that the girls I like are never interested in me? Lol. Well, check that...there is, or maybe was, an exception....Sarah...yeah, she liked me, I liked her, but she lives too far away. I still like her, don't know how she thinks anymore. Oh well. I'm feeling pretty good tonight, actually. hey, there's this annoying...damnit, stop! this stupid popup...that's the fifth time in a few seconds. It appears to be gone now, I suppose I continue.
Based on Chrisanne's premonition and Stephani's agreement, I'm gonna try again with Sarah A. (different person from aforementioned Sarah). maybe she'll say yes this time.
hey, whaddaya know, lost my train of thought...hey, found it floatin' around me 'ead...
I wish i could talk to Jessica....she's probably pretty upset right now, lost a friend to AIDS. I'm tired, I'm getting off.

Really, REALLY shouldn't be doing this

I've got zero time right now....I don't even feel like ranting about what I was going to rant about...mostly politics (which I hate). I've got a ton to do, we're leaving for Boone today, I've got to: take the trash to the dump, wash my mom's truck by hand (she insists on that even though most car washes are brushless now), take my dog to the vet to board him for the weekend, go to Walmart for a few things, get a haircut, sign papers for the camp, vaccuum out the truck (dog hair), and pack. Have to be done with all of that by the time I have to get my haircut, which is at 1pm. I have two hours to do all that. aiee, it will never get done....

hey, this is one of those days

Yeah, you know, one of those days where I don't have much time. I gotta leave in twenty minutes, wish I hadn't wasted so much time earlier. I have this idea for another story or novel (i get lots of these, a lot of them don't go anywhere), but the problem is, I don't have time to type it up right now, and I'm busy all day tomorrow. Guess I'm going to have to hand write it while I'm at that camp this weekend. Wonder how THAT'S gonna be. Quite frankly, sounds like the perfect opportunity to put on my wallflower suit. You know how I am around people I don't know. Or at least, Brian and my counselor do. According to them, I stay in the background, pretty quite, until I warm up to people, then I'll talk to them. In other words, I don't seek out conversation, I let it come to me. And, if and when it does, I'll try to be sociable. Hopefully, I can bring my guitar...or maybe not. don't want someone to mess with it when I'm not looking. Honestly, I dread the social-ness of this thing, I'll probably end up withdrawing and getting depressed. But that's the worst case scenario. I always predict the worst so that it can't get worse than what I expect, it can only get better. ack, got things to do, must....leave...now....

one last thought

You know, sometimes when I think about killing myself, I'd do it just to see what happens. I mean, it's a cure for my doubts. If I'm wrong about God, and I kill myself, I'll never know, because there's no afterlife. If I'm right, I'm going to heaven, and that doesn't sound like such a bad place. Beats being here.

One hell of a day....

Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating a bit. I still feel like crap though. Had a joint counselling session with Brian. That was pretty interesting, and our counselor wants to do that more often. Then we went to see "Chronicles of Riddick", it was pretty good. Went out to dinner. Brian egged me on to ask out this waitress there, so I asked her if she had a boyfriend. She said yes. Later on as we were driving home, he said that he's gonna make me ask out a lot of girls, says that's the only way I'm going to get one. I told him the last thing I wanted to do was to end up like him. Out of the several girlfriends he's had, all but one ended in bad breakups. I don't want that. I don't want to waste my time on girls that aren't going to work out for me. I'd rather study a girl for a couple of months, just get to know her a bit, get a good judgement for what she's like, before I ask her out, so that I know what I'm going into, and I'll know the chances of it becoming a successful relationship. I mean, I don't deny that I enjoy the novelty of asking out a girl who I've never met before, like I did tonight; I might even do it again. But I don't want to fire blindly in the dark like Brian seems to do, hoping that I'll score one, kind of like buying lots of lotto tickets in hopes of winning with one. No, I prefer to pick my shots, to know what I'm aiming for, before I shoot. It's kinda like knowing what numbers to look for, just not knowing the order, and picking out those specific tickets with those numbers. Drat, I just got caught up in a conversation and forgot where I was going.
Anyway, a quick addendum to the other night's thoughts on cynicism: when I'm cynical, I hate myself for feeling the other kind of depressed. I feel like I'm getting exactly what I deserve, that I really don't deserve anyone, or anything, from God. And I don't, really. For all my research, for all my ability to make a case for God, I still doubt. I still dirty myself, knowing it's wrong, yet not able to stop. Seems (to quote an old cliche) that my prayers bounce off the ceiling. Sometimes I think I hear God talking to me in my mind, like, thoughts just pop in my head, but I just think that is just my imagination. Once I thought I had a dream from God, an answer to prayer, since I had prayed for that very dream. But maybe it was just spawned from wishful thinking, and right now, I don't know what to think. Well, let me write down what I do know. There is a God. His Word to mankind is the Bible. I'm a Christian. That much I know, and am fairly certain and resolute in belief. What I don't know is the limits of God's patience with me. I don't deserve a single thing I ask for. I don't deserve to be loved. I DO deserve to be black-balled from society. After what I've done, I deserve a hell of a lot worse than I'm getting, and I can't help but wonder if that's going to happen, just not right now. It is beyond my realm of possibilities that God will answer my prayers. I don't deserve it, and to those who say that God is gracious, and doesn't give us what we deserve, you're only right part of the time. God has dealt out justice in the past, and I'm afraid He will do that to me.
On a slightly more positive note, my mom told me that my counselor said that I should probably see a psychiatrist (that has to be the wrong spelling....) because I might have depression. And my mom's gonna let me go. Guess I was wrong. Glad I was wrong.

A few ponderings

You know, one of the reasons why I like "The Black Fleet Crisis" is because the author makes several observations on the machinery of politics and human behavior. One observation on humans is the fact that we are contradictory beings. In detail, the observation described how a character's different personality types, which were evidenced in his choices in decoration, would not be able to stand each other. How very true for all of us. I also confess to being such a creature. Even when I'm depressed, I contradict myself. Sometimes I'm the self-pitying type of depressed, others, I have a cynical depression, where I hate other people for their selfish self-absorbtion, their inherent shallowness. Though, I often wonder whether or not this cyniscism is not just a denial of pain that I really am feeling inside. Pain from being alone, from wanting to be accepted, understood, and yes, even loved, by those same people who I accuse of being shallow. An interesting thought. Your comments, please, if anyone reads this.
Off of the ponderings front, I'm trying to decide if I want to start playing Utopia again....leaning for it at this moment. New age starts tomorrow, but I'll have to wait until next week because I'm leaving for the weekend for that forensics camp at Appalachian State.
Hope I can get with Jordan this week....maybe Wednesday after I see my counselor. Gotta show him that new song. Lunch time, gonna watch ROTK....again.

one more thing

Today's Garfield's birthday, 26 years, let's break out the lasagna (that can't be the right spelling...). And I'd give this site to Kevin and Wes, if I had their e-mail addresses...

just another day...

hey, I use those little dots alot....anyway....(lol)....I went and saw Day After Tomorrow with my mom today. Acting is average, but the storyline and concept are excellent. Scary thing is, that could actually happen. Read a PopSci article on it.
Found it rather depressing to have to go to the movies with my mom. Found myself wanting some actual companionship, and there was none to be had.
I'm determined not to rant and rave tonight about what I don't have. I did decide what I can use this for though. Gonna give it out to people that I want to know the real me, that I trust them with that knowledge...so, Luke, if you see this, you know why I gave you the address. Let's see....Karlie, Courtney, Jessica, maybe Ashley....those are the only other people I can think of right now who I'm going to give this to. Gotta go e-mail a couple of those people right now, so I'm outta here.

about time I got here

Internet's being crazy again. took me awhile to get to this site. I'm gonna eat lunch....get dressed first, then eat....de ja vu? anyway....it's really weird how I only get depressed at night....I've noticed that. I'm usually okay during the day, but at night, I'm just really bad off. Makes me wonder if I do have a medically treatable problem. Of course, there's no getting help with that anyway. My mom would want to know why I think there's something wrong with me, and then she would proceed to deny that there's anything wrong, that I'm making a big deal out of nothing. Of course, who am I to listen to what she says? she's in a constant state of denial about everything, because she's got her own problems. Which, of course, she won't acknowledge. My counselor doesn't know everything yet, may take him awhile to get the whole picture, you know how counselors are. When he does, not really sure if he'll acknowledge a problem or not, it's really hard for me to communicate everything I'm feeling. He might just blow it off, but I don't know. I gotta go eat, that's one thing I do know.

it's almost over....I think I can live....

We just got back from Branson...again. Saw the Cirque there. It was better than I was expecting. Of course, I've seen Cirque du Soleil, so it will never be "awesome". The only thing they did better than CDS's "Quidam" (the only one I've seen) is their German Wheel act, and their parallel of Aerial Hoops. I found their costumes and decoration and everything to be to bright, complicated, and overall, distracting. In the realm of music, they're nowhere close to Quidam. In Quidam, I was as much engaged by the music as the show itself. And let's not forget that girl that sang in Quidam. I doubt I will ever hear a singer that good ever again. Such a beautiful, clear voice. And she was only in her early teens, it appeared.
Well, how I held up this time. I've cried myself to sleep the past two nights. I'm so pathetic, I know that's what you're thinking. What 17 yr old guy would cry? Well, I do. That's just me. I don't cry much, but when I'm feeling suicidal, I do, because I know that I'm too much of a coward to kill myself by any other means than by a gun, which I don't have. So I realize that there's nothing I can do to end my suffering, and that brings on such emotional suffering that you can't even begin to imagine if you haven't experienced it yourself.
I just need to be around some people my age that'll talk to me. This trip has been hell on me because I've had no one to talk to. I'm going home tomorrow though, going bowling with my youth group on Sunday night, maybe that'll help. That's only a temporary salve though.....I need a permanent solution to my loneliness....just don't know if I'll ever find one.

I'll have a small slice of life, please

Shew.....Well, I've been here for four days. Vandalia, that is. We went to Branson on Saturday, visited Nancy on Sunday, came back yesterday, went to Springfield today so that Ross could have his operation. Everything went fine, we're all back here, just finished dinner. Me and my mom are going back to Branson tomorrow, and we're going to do some stuff with David and Esther. Of course, you're probably wondering how my mental state is holding up against this onslaught. Not so good.
Less than 24 hours with this crew, and I was desperately wanting to add some good scars to my shoulder. I had gone from good to deep in a dark, depressed hole in a fairly short amount of time. The first night we were in Branson, we went and saw the Presley's Country Jubilee. Good show even though I don't like country music, because the comedians were awesome, and they had some of the younger kids of the family perform. They also had this 16 year old local girl sing (her name was Ambrus Leigh...odd name, don't ya think?), she was downright beautiful, and it's been a while since I heard someone sing that good. And, as you can guess, that didn't help my depression any. Found myself envying her talent. Got her autograph after the show, told her how awesomely talented she was, didn't tell her though that my complements are few and far between when it comes to music since I've heard some of the best singers in the world. My impression of her though is that it hasn't gone to her head, she seemed pretty genuine and humble. You know, the funny thing is, what I said to her are the only words I've spoken to someone that's even remotely close to my age. Seriously, I've had no social life here, no one to talk to besides the older folks. Makes me feel so terribly alone. I have no outlet for my depression save through music and writing, which I have been doing in earnest, but it's not enough.
ooh, look, mom's back from Dairy Queen. Pardon me while I go stuff my face.

Is it possible to feel nothing?

Well, that's what I feel. nothing. I don't have much time, like, ten minutes before I have to leave. There are some days where I want to be depressed, because I see nothing to be happy about. I hate having neutral feelings. Today's just one of those days. I want to be....something, want to feel something, but I feel just empty. Visiting my grandparents in Illinois isn't going to help, but that's where we're going for a week and a half. True, I'm going to get to play golf in Branson, MO while I'm over there, but....there is NO ONE even close to my age that I'm going to see. For a week and a half, I'm stuck with people that are at the very least, 30yrs older than me. I went to the beach with them a few months ago, just one day was enough to get me really depressed. At least I won't be feelin nothing....aieeee, I've got to go already.