One hell of a day....

Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating a bit. I still feel like crap though. Had a joint counselling session with Brian. That was pretty interesting, and our counselor wants to do that more often. Then we went to see "Chronicles of Riddick", it was pretty good. Went out to dinner. Brian egged me on to ask out this waitress there, so I asked her if she had a boyfriend. She said yes. Later on as we were driving home, he said that he's gonna make me ask out a lot of girls, says that's the only way I'm going to get one. I told him the last thing I wanted to do was to end up like him. Out of the several girlfriends he's had, all but one ended in bad breakups. I don't want that. I don't want to waste my time on girls that aren't going to work out for me. I'd rather study a girl for a couple of months, just get to know her a bit, get a good judgement for what she's like, before I ask her out, so that I know what I'm going into, and I'll know the chances of it becoming a successful relationship. I mean, I don't deny that I enjoy the novelty of asking out a girl who I've never met before, like I did tonight; I might even do it again. But I don't want to fire blindly in the dark like Brian seems to do, hoping that I'll score one, kind of like buying lots of lotto tickets in hopes of winning with one. No, I prefer to pick my shots, to know what I'm aiming for, before I shoot. It's kinda like knowing what numbers to look for, just not knowing the order, and picking out those specific tickets with those numbers. Drat, I just got caught up in a conversation and forgot where I was going.
Anyway, a quick addendum to the other night's thoughts on cynicism: when I'm cynical, I hate myself for feeling the other kind of depressed. I feel like I'm getting exactly what I deserve, that I really don't deserve anyone, or anything, from God. And I don't, really. For all my research, for all my ability to make a case for God, I still doubt. I still dirty myself, knowing it's wrong, yet not able to stop. Seems (to quote an old cliche) that my prayers bounce off the ceiling. Sometimes I think I hear God talking to me in my mind, like, thoughts just pop in my head, but I just think that is just my imagination. Once I thought I had a dream from God, an answer to prayer, since I had prayed for that very dream. But maybe it was just spawned from wishful thinking, and right now, I don't know what to think. Well, let me write down what I do know. There is a God. His Word to mankind is the Bible. I'm a Christian. That much I know, and am fairly certain and resolute in belief. What I don't know is the limits of God's patience with me. I don't deserve a single thing I ask for. I don't deserve to be loved. I DO deserve to be black-balled from society. After what I've done, I deserve a hell of a lot worse than I'm getting, and I can't help but wonder if that's going to happen, just not right now. It is beyond my realm of possibilities that God will answer my prayers. I don't deserve it, and to those who say that God is gracious, and doesn't give us what we deserve, you're only right part of the time. God has dealt out justice in the past, and I'm afraid He will do that to me.
On a slightly more positive note, my mom told me that my counselor said that I should probably see a psychiatrist (that has to be the wrong spelling....) because I might have depression. And my mom's gonna let me go. Guess I was wrong. Glad I was wrong.