indeed, a good book

The Courtship of Princess Leia....almost mistitled. it is not in the least a romance novel. Actually made me laugh in places. Well, a few things have happened since I last posted. let me get something to eat, and I'll discuss them, in the order of the knife, the dream and how I'm feeling. Okay, eating. The knife. it is a small dagger I bought the other day. Nice knife really. well, I got home, and I left it in my car, because I was going to show Alex that night when we went to see Episode III. Well, my mom moved my car so she could get the lawnmower out of the garage, she saw the bag, and found the knife. Steals it. So, I confront her. She's says, "I know what you do with knives." I took $16 of the change I got back from a recent trip to wal-mart to cover the cost of the knife. NO ONE steals from me. She knows about it, I threw it in her face today, she says she has her ways of getting it back. I've hidden all of my money from her, the only way she can take money from me is by filching it from one of my bank accounts or helping herself to some of my graduation gifts. I'm thinking this whole time, So? That's my fight (the cutting thing). I haven't done it for almost a year, save for that one time in March, which, she just found that scar, and I told her it was months ago, but she doesn't believe me. What part of "This is my fight, not yours" does not she understand? I have told her, bluntly, specifically, clearly, on a couple of occasions, to leave me alone, that I neither want or need her help with my problems, that when she tries to "help" it just makes it worse because she simply can't....help or understand. yes, I'm aware she was once my age, but she was rather sheltered, a "good girl", never had the sort of problems I have. I think I need to talk to my counselor about this, see if he can't get it through her impossible ignorance. Your automatic response: it's out of love. In a general sense, there are two forms of love: ignorant and intelligent. Ignorant love is a base emotion, primal, and therefore, selfish. Deep down, it is more about possession, whether you are willing to admit it or not. It's about having your way. this is the type of love my mom has for me, in a way, at least in this matter. Intelligent love is about controlling the selfishness for the good of the relationship. Were she to love me intelligently, she would respect my desire for privacy in this battle. She would keep her distance and let me work it out the way I want and need to. It's not just the cutting, it's the whole shlebang of depression, all of the issues I have to work out.
Okay, enough on that, on to other things. The dream. That last one I wrote about, I know where that came from. This one, elements of it, I do, but the centerpiece of it, I don't. It was tied into another dream, but that one isn't important. Where it essentially begins is, I'm walking over the porches of these really nice houses, they're all connected, and they're covered in plants of all kinds, vines, mostly the leafy trees, like one would imagine a jungle to have. it's like an early morning sort of walk. Well, I look behind me, and there's this cougar walking through the plants behind me. I think it's stalking me, but I keep walking, not wanting to run for fear of it chasing me, but not knowing what else to do. I then remembered something about screaming at it and trying to look big, so I turn around and start doing that, and it's just staring at me passively, looking pretty bored, and I start to feel stupid, so I stop, and I hold out my hand to it. she (I don't know how at this point, but I know it's a female) gets off the steps and starts walking beside me. I start walking with her, and as I do, I feel connected to her, I felt so comfortable with her, more so than I had ever felt with any person, and it's like she was a person in animal form, you know? I felt like we were inseparable. Anyways, we headed back to my house (which didn't resemble my real house or yard in any way). I take her out back and let my dog out of his kennel, holding him back by his collar, because he wants to attack her, and I'm just trying to introduce them, to get him used to her. all of the sudden, she's in this fenced in area with a small bull, and the bull gores her, leaving one of his horns in her chest, and I know she's dead. My dog gets away from me and charges the bull, biting out it's throat. I'm crying, screaming, wanting to die, and I'm being pulled away by my best friend, and we're following my mom through an airport, going through the metal detectors, and he's trying to console me, but it just makes me feel worse. end of dream. I don't recall having a dream where I felt that much emotional pain. it felt real. I really don't know where this dream came from. or what it means. I know my dreams have had meanings in the past, having to deal with future events, even details of people's lives I could not have known, but saw in my dream (and they turned out to be true). But, those dreams were very specific, could not be misinterpreted. This probably has something to do with my emotions, I just don't know how, or even if it could be a predictor of future events, symbolically, of course.
Of course now, my feelings, before I collapse and go to bed. Whenever I read a book where a character finds love, it leaves me feeling empty, alone. Of course, I want love and companionship too. Now, the book is not just about Leia and Han Solo (spoiler, though no surprise, they get married, have three kids), it's also about Prince Isolder, he's also trying to get Leia to fall for him, (ugh, can't have this song playing...."No Rain" by Blind Melon...I like it, it's just too happy right now) and this Force-wielding witch, Teneniel Djo. Not going to explain the story, but Isolder eventually falls for Teneniel after she captures him. You see, in her primitive culture, the women rule (because they all have Force powers), and they literally either buy or hunt for their mates. In her explanation of why she hunted for a mate, Teneniel accurately described how I feel. She said it was like having a hole in her soul, her heart, and she knew someone could fill it, only one person, and she set off on the hunt, not even knowing for who she was hunting, but led to search anyways, desperate to end that empty feeling. Her hunt took weeks. She was very lucky. Me, God only knows, and probably knows it will be never. So, here's to a life that will be spent entirely alone. Hmm, wonder how that would feel. I wish it would come to an end, either the end of the loneliness, or the end of my life, and soon. Oh, unmedicated me. which side of the pill is really sane? Which sees the truth? One cannot stop dwelling on the present, fearful to consider the future, and the other is oblivious, apathetic to the past, present, and likely future pain.

dang, little later than I wanted to be up

yeah, I wanna try to get up tomorrow morning before 10am for once. Well, my biopsy was today, so I have two holes in my neck. won't get results for four weeks. hope I can get to sleep tonight....last night it took me about three hours to get to sleep. I've been watching some hilarious things on ebaumsworld.com....there's this animation with Satan calling a shoe store....trying to get soles. the audio is an actual prank call. it is so hilarious. it's got some language in it, but if you're not offended by that, you've got to see it. Other than that, I bought a couple of more books today, including Vector Prime, finally. That is such a good book. Gets your emotions worked up. I know some people think the Star Wars books are for fanatics, but to be honest, they're far better written than many of the popular books out now. Ever heard of R.A. Salvatore or Kevin J. Anderson? big-name authors, and they've written several of the Star Wars books. Some of them have very deep concepts behind them, dealing with the role of government, ethics, whether or not we depend too much on technology, human psychology, the list goes on. Frankly, I consider some of them far superior to stuff like Charles Dickens, who, I'm sure was popular for his time, but frankly, his stuff is old, boring, and out of date. I have read several of his works, analyzed them, aced the tests, and gained nothing from them. The only one I liked was "A Christmas Carol", which actually had a moral to it, and was an entertaining and enlightening story. Anyways, I think more modern literature should be taught...wait, I'm not falling into that trap....what would end up being taught would be trash like Fahrenheit 9/11, etc., stuff with no backbone, just propaganda....anyways, I just go read my books now.

hmm, I like this song

"Star" by Project 86. um...I overslept today, missed my eye appointment. Picked up my diploma, got a TB test, went bowling, got a Far Side book. Guitar lesson, we were trying to figure out "No Rain" by Blind Melon, we couldn't get the solo, so I went to Alex's and got the tabs off of his program. They dug most of the hole for the pool today...pretty deep and big. And that about sums up my meaningless day. Wanna know what I had for dinner? No, you don't. And that lullaby-like song was something by Coldplay, I'm not sure what the title is, couldn't read my friend's handwriting, looks something like "I Bloom Blamm" some nonsense like that. Now it's the techno remix of the "Phantom of the Opera" theme. Tomorrow, I'm getting my biopsy done on my neck. I think I'm going to take a book or two, see if they'll let me read while they're doing it....hmm, I just don't feel like doing anything...wish I had something to do, I like listening to my music here, but i want to do something. wow....that's a really high note....'bout shattered my monitor.

I am determined

To post everyday, just to bore the heck out of you. Isn't it fascinating that I have so little to say? I hate having nothing to say. hmm....I'm tempted to touch on a touchy subject...preps vs. punks/goths/general rebels...er, let's just say...never mind. you get the point. I tend to lean towards the non-prep side of things: I love my black shirts, odd bumper stickers, my hardcore/heavy metal music. Not to say I fall into that category...I really have no category. I'm somewhere between hick and punk/goth. wow, labels are so stupid. So, what do I have to say to both sides? or rather, about both sides.
Preps: you're living in a dream world. get out of it. Life isn't about you, and I hope you learn it the hard way. You're too self absorbed, too shallow. The joy you get out of serving yourself will wear away, and then what will you have? your shallow friends will leave you when your empire falls, and you will have nothing. Look at what Job's friends did to him. When he was down, and he was REALLY down, most of them left and the few who stayed sat back and criticized him. The only real joy you're going to find in life is reaching out and helping others, ie, those rebels you spend so much time scorning. I'll explain in a moment why they might need help. Basically, your fault is, you live too much in your fantasy world of what you want things to be like. Only, the real world will come for you, so you better be ready. If you're not, it will be quite a shock. What's going to happen to you if life throws you a curve, if God decides to test you like He did Job, lets Satan have his way with your life? will you be able to stand? when you're sitting in a nursing home in 50, 60 years, will you be regretting that you wasted your life thinking that by partying, wasting your money on fancy clothes and other garbage, that you could treasure that the rest of your life? Relationships are the only things that last a lifetime, and you're not on the path to forming lasting ones. Wake up and smell reality. No one respects a snob.
Punks/Goths: you're in a dream too...for some, it's a self-induced nightmare. When I write this, I'm thinking of those individuals who are so depressed that it seems to me that their life is a living hell. I know I will get some comments on how this isn't always the case with members of this group, but, just letting you know, I have yet to meet any exceptions. In a general sense, people under this label, have some emotional problems. What you need to do is, deal with it. Admit you have a problem. get help, don't wallow in it, though, I know that can be enjoyable, I've done it myself. Get a grip. not everyone hates you, some people actually care about you, yes, you would have people crying at your funeral. Unless you actually have the strength to kill yourself, which I don't, I've tried, you've got, like I said maybe 60 years to live. don't waste it by living it in a miserable state. Don't be afraid to reach out to others for support. Enjoy life, there actually is stuff to enjoy. Me, like I've said before, in one of my moods, at least I have a dog I can go to. Pets, particularly dogs, are proven to be therapeudic. So get a dog. After the troublesome puppyhood, it will be worth it. Just do something to enjoy life. If you're on meds, take 'em, until you can handle being off of them. this depression, this self-pity, is another form of selfishness. It's not all about you. there are people with bigger problems, and the best way to help you deal with your problems is helping someone else with theirs. Trust me it works, better than any meds I've been on. If you're the one that needs help, I'm no professional, but you can come to me. I care. I'll listen. I'll help you the best I can.
As I'm running out of things to say, I'll close. all of what I've said is based on knowing actual people that would fit into both categories and is partly, therefore, to them. But it is also for anyone to whom the above applies. um....I hope I can sleep tonight, because I haven't been sleeping well, and I have to actually get up before noon tomorrow for some appointments.

I don't really feel like doing this, but i have nothing better to do

yeah, I'm bored. Alex can't really do anything for a couple of weeks while his dad works him to death putting in the pool. Brian works half the time...well, what's been going on. I saw Episode III again today...it's always awesome, wasn't any better the second time. I'll probably see it again when Alex goes to see it. oh, what boredom. Heaven forbid, I'll probably end up doing yardwork for the fun of it. Actually, what I hope to do with myself is one, find a temporary source of income, two, start another blog for guitar tabs, write and record some more music, and write more of my books. I wish I had Audrey's gift of writing....not that it's high quality, but her record is about 500 pages in one week...she's incredible with the amount of stuff she can write...she just never keeps it, she discards it because she decides she doesn't like it. combine that output with my quality of writing, well, heck, I could make a living off of writing. hmm, I don't feel like watching a movie...maybe I can work on finishing my Kessen II walkthrough guide. Then I have to go buy Kessen III :). first buy those CD's I want though. I'm out.

insert ho hum sound effect here

yeah, because that's what sort of day it's been. Got up, ate and dressed, then went to Mrs. Trevino's house for the "senior party"....yeah, some party. I watched jordan and Jason play chess, watched Family Matters reruns, ate a hot dog and watched some girls get thrown into the pool by Josh, wrote a poem, and left. fairly depressing. sorta like the dream I had last night. rather random and confusing, but the gist of it was watching Jennifer Lopez beat up this blonde girl with marc anthony (that's her husband, right?) standing off to the side just watching, all of this taking place in the Roman Coliseum, and I was watching it on TV with some people, and we were trying to figure out a way to stop the fight before the blonde girl got hurt. I remember wanting to burn down the coliseum. I wonder why physical violence against women bothers me so much. I makes me sick, angry, want to cry, all at the same time. makes me very depressed. I think I'll actually bother to explore the possible reasons. I wrote one time that needing a relationship isn't just about needing to be loved, it's about needing to love someone. So, that would explain my desire to help a girl that is being hurt or is in pain...it is an act of love. Also, I think that by helping them, they will like me, that there maybe, since they have a definitely good first impression of me, there might be a possibility of the kind of relationship I want so badly. Last helping people takes my mind off of my own problems. *sigh*, I beg and plead for God to help me out, and I never get the answer I want, and then I try to get it for myself, and it just never works. Catch 22. I'm stuck waiting for God to do a miracle that He might never do. there's hope for you. everyday I go on, and it's miserable. Life without love isn't worth the effort. yes, for those who wonder, I do have parents that love me, but they cannot support me in ways that I need support. heh, seems like no one can. No one can....or rather, no one will.

Why? because I'm bored

I have nothing better to do. I'm here at Alex's, I'm staying here till 1am, when me and Audrey will go to the school for the senior prank. We're not allowed inside this year, so we're going to throw huge banners over the roofs of the buildings and put Christmas lawn decorations up there too. Not much to do here. Late-night tv on a Sunday night is non-existent. Did the play friday night and Saturday afternoon. It went fairly well, people liked it. Then me and Alex went to see "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy". Really strange. Strangest I've probably ever seen.....well, I'll just post later. keeping audrey company.

okay....

yeah. There was a comment on my last post, and, to save face, I will say that I had a 760 verbal score on the SAT...but I did have to look up "quiescent". Even when I did that, I'm still not sure whether that sentence is a complement or an insult....based on the meaning of "atypical" as relates to "potential" (the noun being described by the two adjectives I just mentioned), the statement seems contradictory....but then again, maybe I'm just stupid. As for "Designer/Architect"...does he mean God? And how exactly do I "restrict anyone's opportunities for ascertaining uninterrupted existence for their quintessence"? I think that means that he's saying that I am keeping people from achieving their ultimate purpose in life, whatever that might be, or saying that I'm keeping people from living for God. Neither of which I'm aware that I'm doing, so I don't really know why that comment was there. As for why I write this, I do not write for "readership"...this is not a newspaper or a magazine. I write because that is the easiest way for me to express myself. If you were to talk to my cousellor and my psychiatrist, they will tell you that I am not exactly "communicative". I don't talk too well. The reason I write what I do in such a public medium is that I have friends who do not live anywhere near me (i.e. Joe, Serena, Ashley, Charris, etc.), and I am not always able to talk to them, because we are in different time zones. I want them to be able to keep tabs on me so they know how I'm doing. It's also handy to give out to friends when I'm trying to explain some of my feelings, and I know that they are already written here.
Aside from that, thank you for quoting Ecclesiastes, though I'm not exactly sure I know why you did. As for your sign off, "continued ascendency"? Sounds very New Age-ish to me, I'm not into that. Unless you meant maturity, as a person, or as a Christian, or both. Well...maybe I'll e-mail him this post and see what he says....play's tomorrow night, and I'm missing my last Senior lunch to do the play for the elementary, bblech. We were having a meeting about the senior prank, I'll post about that when I know what's going on.

just for no reason at all...

I really don't have anything to say, other than, I finished the English 113 exam today, English Honors test tomorrow on 20th Century British lit., Spanish 112 exam tomorrow, so easy, it's the english test I'm worried about. I swear, she gives the hardest tests, much harder than Calculus, at least I can make an A in that class, I really don't know about my two English classes. Our play is on Friday night and Saturday afternoon...I'm not really in it, since I'm not taking Drama, but I'm doing stage crew. It's really hilarious, about a couple of hicks getting married. As for putting up pics, Ashley...whenever my mom gets a chance to put them from the camera to the comp, then I'll put some pics up...probably not for a couple of days, at least, if she hasn't done it already...though, she might have, so I'll check. nope. I'll put 'em up another day....I'm tired, going to bed now.

Just a quick comment

Yeah, my english teacher is sadistic. She told us the format for our exam. It seems that she took all of the multiple choice, fill in the blank, matching, and whatever else was on the tests we've taken, and turned them all into "short" answer...as in, a few sentences per question. No easy format questions on this test. In other words, I will have written the equivalent of a short novel by the time it's over on Wednesday. Truly evil...there are no better words for it.

well, there was last night....

And then there was this morning....and then, finally, there was sleep. Yes, I happen to be referring to prom, which was last night. I went with Regina, one of my former coworkers. Had fun, took pictures. Alex managed to make it, so did Audrey. Got over, and we all decided one, not to go to the afterparty, which was at our principal's house since no one else wanted to host it, and two, not to go midnight bowling because being a Saturday night, and that reservations have to be put in a week in advance because that's how fast the lanes go, there weren't going to be any lanes open. So several of us went to my house, had some food, watched Phantom of the Opera, I took Regina home, and got to bed about 4:30am this morning. Slept till noon. Now, my commentary on Phantom of the Opera. It's not going on my list of favorite movies. I had seen the Broadway performance, which I loved. The movie was very close to the Broadway production. However, I was disappointed in the singing. The music part, as always, was good. Just not the singing. The guy that played the Phantom couldn't sing good enough for the part. His voice was too rough, I could tell he had difficulties at times. The girl that played Christine, Emma Rossum (think Day After Tomorrow), she could sing, but, like I said before, not good enough. I have heard better voices sing that part. She hit all of the parts right, and it was good, but it could have been better. Her main problem is her voice isn't strong enough. not enough power. Not enough air flow is the reason. I have a techno remix of the main theme, and it has a soprano singing the part. If you want it, just e-mail me. She does it right. The woman on Broadway did it right. Emma Rossum just doesn't, which disappointed me. I did, however, like Raul's voice. He was a very good tenor.
We get our yearbooks tomorrow....that means I have one week to get everyone in my high school to sign mine. oi, much work ahead, and not just that. College class exams. I dread the English 113 exam. if it has any essays, I'm dead. most of the stuff, I can't remember. it had better be easy stuff, like matching, multiple choice, fill in the blank, short answer type of stuff.

blech

Disgusting sound for a disgusting day. Bowled horribly...139, 130, 161. I don't know what my problem is....I guess some of it is just plain rotten physics....several times, I hit the pocket right on, and I was left with the 10 pin still standing. I mean, it was perfect, and it didn't go down. Of course, I had some problems dropping my shoulder, because I went into the gutter a few times. Finally got to see Napolean Dynamite today....oi, I'm glad I didn't spend money on it. It wasn't bad, just pretty boring. I think I put up the wrong guestbook when I changed templates....Though, I think I may go back to the Son of Moto template....you see, I got two e-mails with the code for my guestbook...I think each one had a different one...but yahoo's down I think, because I can't get in. Tomorrow night's prom, I'm taking Regina, one of my now former coworkers (now that I'm out of Baskin-Robbins, he he he). Just as friends. Then me and some others are going bowling afterward, then on to the afterparty....I'll try to write, maybe....well gotta make a phone call.

ah, my demanding public

In response to popular demand (a grand total of less that ten people), I have put a link to my poetry blog on this site. It's in the sidebar, on the right, below my profile information....rats, "House, MD" is on....forgot it comes on on Tuesdays. Now I've missed most of it. I managed to record one of my songs today, the lyrics are on my poetry blogs. Just the music was recorded, not the singing, I have to write the vocal part. The song title is "Alone", if you want to look it up...now I have to figure out how to change the format, but first, tweak the levels, then change the format, then burn it to a CD so I can work on it with Caitlin, because I want her to do some backup vocals. Ooh, and another thing, I have tickets to the midnight showing of Star Wars: Episode III. Awesomeness....thank you to Audrey, you signed my guestbook....anyone who reads this, please do sign my guestbook, I went through a great deal of trouble to get it on there, considering I'm technically inept.

ooh, creepular...

My own word, I know. Something really strange just happened. I was browsing through blog profiles for people who live here in Fayetteville, and I found the blog of a certain Chris Jones. The only interest he listed was Christianity. I guess that piqued my interest, so I thought I'd give his blog a once over. In his blog, I found a link to his website, or rather, his family's website, I guess. Clicked on it, read some posts. Then, I looked at the pictures of the contributors. The girl, his sister, I supposed, looked vaguely familiar. Then I looked at the name again: Jenny Jones. Bang. Ran to my old yearbook, yep, I knew her way back in first grade. Really, extremely strange coincidence....of course, that's if you believe in coincidences. Think Signs, the M. Night Shyalaman movie. Everything happens for a reason....God only knows what though. maybe this means nothing, but it fascinates me nonetheless. on a now minor side note, today was my last day at Baskin-Robbins. almost exactly a year and eight months. Thank God I'm outta there. I will miss my coworkers alot though....can't find many better than them.