indeed, a good book

The Courtship of Princess Leia....almost mistitled. it is not in the least a romance novel. Actually made me laugh in places. Well, a few things have happened since I last posted. let me get something to eat, and I'll discuss them, in the order of the knife, the dream and how I'm feeling. Okay, eating. The knife. it is a small dagger I bought the other day. Nice knife really. well, I got home, and I left it in my car, because I was going to show Alex that night when we went to see Episode III. Well, my mom moved my car so she could get the lawnmower out of the garage, she saw the bag, and found the knife. Steals it. So, I confront her. She's says, "I know what you do with knives." I took $16 of the change I got back from a recent trip to wal-mart to cover the cost of the knife. NO ONE steals from me. She knows about it, I threw it in her face today, she says she has her ways of getting it back. I've hidden all of my money from her, the only way she can take money from me is by filching it from one of my bank accounts or helping herself to some of my graduation gifts. I'm thinking this whole time, So? That's my fight (the cutting thing). I haven't done it for almost a year, save for that one time in March, which, she just found that scar, and I told her it was months ago, but she doesn't believe me. What part of "This is my fight, not yours" does not she understand? I have told her, bluntly, specifically, clearly, on a couple of occasions, to leave me alone, that I neither want or need her help with my problems, that when she tries to "help" it just makes it worse because she simply can't....help or understand. yes, I'm aware she was once my age, but she was rather sheltered, a "good girl", never had the sort of problems I have. I think I need to talk to my counselor about this, see if he can't get it through her impossible ignorance. Your automatic response: it's out of love. In a general sense, there are two forms of love: ignorant and intelligent. Ignorant love is a base emotion, primal, and therefore, selfish. Deep down, it is more about possession, whether you are willing to admit it or not. It's about having your way. this is the type of love my mom has for me, in a way, at least in this matter. Intelligent love is about controlling the selfishness for the good of the relationship. Were she to love me intelligently, she would respect my desire for privacy in this battle. She would keep her distance and let me work it out the way I want and need to. It's not just the cutting, it's the whole shlebang of depression, all of the issues I have to work out.
Okay, enough on that, on to other things. The dream. That last one I wrote about, I know where that came from. This one, elements of it, I do, but the centerpiece of it, I don't. It was tied into another dream, but that one isn't important. Where it essentially begins is, I'm walking over the porches of these really nice houses, they're all connected, and they're covered in plants of all kinds, vines, mostly the leafy trees, like one would imagine a jungle to have. it's like an early morning sort of walk. Well, I look behind me, and there's this cougar walking through the plants behind me. I think it's stalking me, but I keep walking, not wanting to run for fear of it chasing me, but not knowing what else to do. I then remembered something about screaming at it and trying to look big, so I turn around and start doing that, and it's just staring at me passively, looking pretty bored, and I start to feel stupid, so I stop, and I hold out my hand to it. she (I don't know how at this point, but I know it's a female) gets off the steps and starts walking beside me. I start walking with her, and as I do, I feel connected to her, I felt so comfortable with her, more so than I had ever felt with any person, and it's like she was a person in animal form, you know? I felt like we were inseparable. Anyways, we headed back to my house (which didn't resemble my real house or yard in any way). I take her out back and let my dog out of his kennel, holding him back by his collar, because he wants to attack her, and I'm just trying to introduce them, to get him used to her. all of the sudden, she's in this fenced in area with a small bull, and the bull gores her, leaving one of his horns in her chest, and I know she's dead. My dog gets away from me and charges the bull, biting out it's throat. I'm crying, screaming, wanting to die, and I'm being pulled away by my best friend, and we're following my mom through an airport, going through the metal detectors, and he's trying to console me, but it just makes me feel worse. end of dream. I don't recall having a dream where I felt that much emotional pain. it felt real. I really don't know where this dream came from. or what it means. I know my dreams have had meanings in the past, having to deal with future events, even details of people's lives I could not have known, but saw in my dream (and they turned out to be true). But, those dreams were very specific, could not be misinterpreted. This probably has something to do with my emotions, I just don't know how, or even if it could be a predictor of future events, symbolically, of course.
Of course now, my feelings, before I collapse and go to bed. Whenever I read a book where a character finds love, it leaves me feeling empty, alone. Of course, I want love and companionship too. Now, the book is not just about Leia and Han Solo (spoiler, though no surprise, they get married, have three kids), it's also about Prince Isolder, he's also trying to get Leia to fall for him, (ugh, can't have this song playing...."No Rain" by Blind Melon...I like it, it's just too happy right now) and this Force-wielding witch, Teneniel Djo. Not going to explain the story, but Isolder eventually falls for Teneniel after she captures him. You see, in her primitive culture, the women rule (because they all have Force powers), and they literally either buy or hunt for their mates. In her explanation of why she hunted for a mate, Teneniel accurately described how I feel. She said it was like having a hole in her soul, her heart, and she knew someone could fill it, only one person, and she set off on the hunt, not even knowing for who she was hunting, but led to search anyways, desperate to end that empty feeling. Her hunt took weeks. She was very lucky. Me, God only knows, and probably knows it will be never. So, here's to a life that will be spent entirely alone. Hmm, wonder how that would feel. I wish it would come to an end, either the end of the loneliness, or the end of my life, and soon. Oh, unmedicated me. which side of the pill is really sane? Which sees the truth? One cannot stop dwelling on the present, fearful to consider the future, and the other is oblivious, apathetic to the past, present, and likely future pain.