I've been a bad boy...

yeah, I know, I haven't posted in two weeks. I just haven't had any time between work and filming basketball games. So, what I've done. Went to the church lockin, got depressed. wrote that new song with the long title there, it's on my P&L blog. Tonight was the Winter Semi-Formal at school, I went to that. took some pictures there, got them on a disk, but I look horrible on all of them, so bad that I'm not even going to post them. I can see how fat I'm getting again. It's so horribly depressing, on top of that, there was the dance, etc. how about I discuss that. wait....I'll just edit the photo so that I'm not in it. okay, done with that....I'll post it later...dang, I don't have that sofware anymore, I'll have to download it again. Anywhat, I did get to dance a lot, I FINALLY got to dance with Morgan, she's this freshman, kinda shy, I've been trying to get her to dance for the longest time. Talked to Creath some about my observations on people. or, rather, my opinions on how shallow and ignorant most people are. Okay, I'm sick of my medication, that's what's making me gain weight because I didn't start to gain weight till I started that medication, and it keeps me from being able to express myself the way I want....I'm sick of feeling apathetic, I'd rather suicidally depressed than blah, I-don't-care-about-anything sort of thing. I feel vaguely, very vaguely, depressed, and I can't do anything about it, it's not a huge pain like real depression, that can be expressed, it's just an itch that I can't scratch, and it irritates the hell out of me. I think I'm going to hand this website out to a few other people. Anywhat, before I stop, go check out http://www.project86.com, they have a link to the "Spy Hunter" video, it's pretty cool.

Yet another sucky week ahead, Cap'n!

yep....almost the exact same schedule as this past week...work tomorrow, Wednesday, Saturday, Sunday. Been busy as hell this weekend too, it's almost like summer. hmm...I spy colder weather on the horizon, cap'n. just looked at the forecast, Saturday and sunday it won't get out of the forties, and lows are in the twenties, so we'll get a break. Aside from work, there are basketball games tuesday and friday, and possibly thursday. maybe this week won't be too bad then. I'm runnin low on cash....had to buy a new chorus tux, haven't been working much till this past week....let me figure out how much my check will be....ooh, nice, maybe a $200 check. I could use it, trust me. problem is, I don't remember how much my last deposit was, I have it written down in my car, but not in my checkbook. anyways....I'm still pretty lonely here. heh, I'd better get used to that. I have another idea for a new poem....it's very free verse though. started writing it in church today. i wanna go bowling....maybe tomorrow, but that means starting my clothes in the morning...gotta do it though. just did it...I hope I can sleep tonight....all the sudden, I feel so, blah, like I said a moment ago, lonely....empty....that's what I hate about my medicine, can't feel emotion anymore, hardly, accept anger....I'm just apathetic now....can't stand it.

Another blah day

In fact, the rest of this week is going to be blah because i have no free time. Either I'm working, or I'm filming basketball games. Gotta work tomorrow and thursday, then there's a game Friday night, then I work Saturday and sunday nights. No, wait, Saturday night, Sunday AFTERNOON. And what sucks the most is that it's too friggin hot down here for the beginning of January. it's gonna be in the sixties and seventies the rest of the week. That is why I'm going to start looking for a new job. seriously, I've got to get out of the ice cream business long before summer. I don't care where I work, it can't be as hellish as Baskin-Robbins in the summer. During the summer months, we're packed from open to close, and we always are still helping customers at least twenty minutes after closing because we can't kick them out if they come in before the doors are locked. Then there's at least another hour before we can leave, because we have to clean up. That means we may not get out till 12:30am, and I don't feel like working that late, that's ridiculous. It's even worse when I'm in school, because I get up at 6am, and I may have only gotten 5-6 hours of sleep, it's no wonder I'm falling asleep in every class till lunch, trying not to fall asleep as I drive to school in the morning, etc. Everyone else has a decent job where they get off at 8 or9pm, and can actually get some sleep. hell with it, good coworkers or not, I've got to get out of it. Maybe I can get some applications on Saturday...
Anyway, there was a game tonight, as always, depressing. Tried to write a song, got sick of it and threw it away, it was trash. it was a good idea, just didn't have the inspiration. On a more successful note, I am making good progress in writing music and a melody for "Contrast". Got the chorus finished. I'm feeling pretty low, no doubt will be feeling worse by the time I go to bed, so I'm outta here for now. Oh, yeah, let me say it again, THIS WEEK IS GONNA SUCK.

New Year's, and apparently I need to clarify something...

Okay, serena, you don't seem to get my last post....you misunderstand. It's not about getting a girl...it's about getting the girl....you know, where the relationship actually works out, where there's real love between me and her, namely, meeting the girl I'm supposed to marry. Nikki, ha, that was a mistake, didn't teach me much about dating, rather, it taught me that I shouldn't always take things that are freely given. She did nothing but frustrate me in the end, I guess I was disappointed in a way, but that was specifically relating to her, has nothing to do with dating itself. So, yes, I do believe I have a right to piss and moan about my loneliness, because the single criterium for dispelling it has yet to be satisfied. Okay, I confess I'm a bit obsessive over this, why, I don't know. don't care. if it's a phase, it'll pass. maybe it has something to do with my mental and emotional issues, but like I said, I don't care, not about the causes, nor the effects. just about fixing the problem itself. If you only knew what kind of agony I've been through on this issue, you wouldn't be calling me out like this. Try reading my posts on July 9 and 18. Also, June 22 and Sept. 26
So, to try to sum up what I just said very incohesively, here it is in a nutshell:
One: I'm not looking for a date, I'm looking for my other half, you know what I mean?
Two: Haven't found her yet, which is dragging me to despair, because I know very well that it could be a long time....and I'm already so lonely.
Three: I'm not mad at you or anything, I just want to be understood.