ugh, not ANOTHER week...

yeah, tomorrow's monday, and we know how I feel about mondays. tonight was a chorus performance. didn't go too bad. chris, caitlin and I sang our little trio song. i wish someone had recorded it, I want to be able to hear how I did. okay, now I'm having more doubts about nikki....you just don't know how torn I am....I long for that kind of companionship, and here it is for the taking, but....I'm easy to like, it's just hard for me to like back, ya know? for someone as outwardly revolting as myself, I'm pretty picky :). not about physical traits, but personality-wise. Nikki just doesn't seem my type...she's too...hyper, does most of her talking over the phone (something I can't stand)....kinda pushy too....but then again, when we're together, she hugs me a lot, stays close to me, that physical contact I love, it doesn't need to be anything sexual, just that voluntary contact.....but then again, it goes back to the friendship test I mentioned a long time ago....could we get along as friends? she's convinced that we're awesome friends, but inwardly, I'm indifferent. okay, change of thought....maybe it's just the phone thing that drives me up the wall...how she'll go on forever, then asks me if I'm even listening...which I am, I just can't get a word in edgewise, don't even know what I'd say, cuz she's just talking about her probs, I know that's usual for girls, don't have a problem with that, but if we were in person, she'd know I was listening, so I don't know what she's looking for on the phone....maybe I'll try to introduce the note thing, like me and Kristina did....it'll be harder though, since we only see each other once a week, but, the point is that she can know that she's talking to me, but I don't have to worry about focusing on what she's saying till she gives me the finished product. then I can think about what she wrote, write a reply, and boom, a conversation has started. Honestly, I think we need to know each other a little better, then hopefully we'll understand each other's tendencies a little better, and see if the interest is still there...oh, bum, never did my math, oh well, gotta shower, bye.

very much resembling a lousy day

Calculus test today, not sure how I did on it. gotta work tonight, long shift. not looking forward to it. with my luck, even though it's raining, even though it's barely sixty degrees, even though it's the middle of November, we're gonna be packed tonight. That shit just ain't fair. I'm definitely getting a new job when I turn 18. I gotta go take care of patsy's dogs, so I'm outta here.

I'm bored now

yes, very much so. oh, wait, I can make a CD....I'll be back. Okay, I'm recording some songs off my new Living Sacrifice CD, while it's doing that I can talk. Alex came over last night, we watched "Se7en" I had seen it before, but that movie is awesome. I'll have to add it to my faves list. Spent some time with Brian today, the two of us and my mom went to dinner and the Holly Day Fair...pardon me again. OI, ugh.....stupid WMP....had to recreate a huge playlist from scratch because it wouldn't play the old one. Anyway, what was I going to talk about? OH, yeah, that I feel really alone right now. Being out in a crowd of strangers is always emotionally draining. I think that is one reason why I would cultivate a relationship with Nikki...I know that she would help dispel my loneliness because she's very physically expressive with her affection, and if you recall, my self-examination determined that my love language is physical touch, more than likely. But this is giving me mixed feelings, because I don't want to use her just to get what I want, which is what I feel like I'm headed towards. I'm not quite sure how she feels about me, her actions and words indicate strong feelings, but after what Jordan and I have talked a little about, she seem to be the flirtatious, play with a guy for a while then dump him type. If this happens to be the truth, I'm not playing that game. If I gotta be lonely for a while longer to avoid that kind of relationship, then so be it.
Well to conclude my rather short debate, I'm not sure where to go at this point, I'll wait it out for a while, move with caution and the advice of God and my friends.
Hmm, funny, I was depressed earlier, but then I started cleaning my room, I feel better now....weird....hey, I had a dream about this freshman girl, my dream was that she was a self-mutilator, mainly cutting. I asked her sheerly (dude....that can't be the right spelling) on the basis of that dream if that was true....it was. She just stopped this summer. It really freaked both of us out that my dream was true....maybe that's how God is going to speak to and through me....I like that.
Oh yeah, took the SAT again today...had 670 math and 690 verbal last time, hoping for better this time....don't know if I can, but I'm hoping for 1400. k, Serena wants to read this post, so I'd better post it.

Garfield hates mondays

Frankly, so do I....though nothing bad has happened today...yet. Have you ever had a brain cramp? I did today, there was an AP Calculus test, dude.....one of those problems, the top part of the fraction was as long as the paper was wide, I'm not exaggerating. I literally had a headache by the time I was finished with the test. Work tonight. I'm gonna start going to the gym with Alex afterschool on days I don't work. My stupid meds increase my appetite. I'm gonna see if I can't switch to something that DECREASES my appetite. I definitely don't need to be eating a lot.