I'm baaaack......

Been a while, I know. My med's don't work, one thing I know for sure. a recap of what I've been doing? Went to the beach with the Szigedi's, got burned. Went to my dad's, drove there myself. Gotta work all weekend. Sucks. Hey, I made a poetry blog because I got sick of Poetry.com. Check it out. Well, more later, I promise. but for now, lunch.

well, that's over with

Decided not to ask her. yeah, I know some people are gonna be disappointed with me, but I realized that I shouldn't be doing what they want, in this case, it's about what I want. In other words, I should be doing it for me, not for them. She's not my type, end of discussion. It was remarkable how much easier it was to breathe once I made that decision. I can just move on. So what is my type, if not the girl I've liked for well over a year? Take note of something. The best relationships that I've seen, dating or marital, is where the couple are people who could just be friends with each other, even if there never was a relationship. Or, it could be said, that they relate like the best of friends, talk like the best of friends, but that there is something deeper between them: love. Let's go even further back. How does one describe a friendship? Well, I could say for you to look at me and any one of my good friends, but considering that the majority of you who read this don't even know me in person, much less have met my friends, that's not good enough. So, friends......friends are people with whom you are extremely comfortable. They are people for whom you do not have to put on a front, because they know you intimately, know most, if not all, of your secrets, your feelings, etc. They know your likes and dislikes. There's a lot more that I could say here. But I really don't need to. Do you remember how you met your best friend? Didn't it just sort of click between you two? That's a good sign in telling if someone might be your type.
So, it might follow logically like this: If I were to find a girl, we got along really well, and I liked her, that's a really good combination, and it suggests that that might be a good time to see if the interest is mutual. I mean, I'm not going to flat out ask that question, but at that point I'd ask her out. But that first part's the real trick: finding both in the same person. Because, if I think hard about that, there are few people who fit that bill....actually, none. Or, rather, there are some, but I don't have ask them to know that they won't go out with me. And it really has nothing to do with me. Either they're already hooked up with someone else, or they're just not interested in going out with anyone, period. A frustrating reality. But, new school year's coming, that means new people. so, we'll just have to see what these new people are like. you never know, this could be a good year for me.....
Oh, yeah, before I forget, never try to sleep around overly sociable large dogs. Doesn't work, trust me.

I wish I could sleep

yeah, but it's almost five, and even though I'm not hungry now, I gotta eat once my mom gets back with dinner, then off to work....at least Ashley's back, that'll make things interesting.....wonder who's doing floors tonight, me or that new guy? hope tomorrow goes okay....funny thing is, I'm not sure I wanna go out with Sarah.....I mean, I'll still ask her out, but the more I think about it, the more she doesn't seem my type, you know? Course, I don't know her all that well in the first place but....

more.....phone....calls....

yeah, I didn't make them all yesterday. I HATE talking on the phone....only exceptions are people who I know REALLY well, like Brian or my dad. Gotta go to school today....yeah, in July, I know. Have to take this Spanish test so that I can take the college spanish class this coming school year. Then I gotta get some CD-R's, and buy this book, "Cry, the Beloved Country"....never heard of it, but English teachers have a way of making us read the most boring books....with a couple exceptions, being, "Born Again" by Chuck Colson, and we didn't get to read this last one, it was the freshmen that had to read it, "This Present Darkness"...I just read that, AWESOME book. *sigh* gotta get dressed, eat lunch (de ja vu?), call John about being our drummer, call that woman about getting recorded, call Zack and Paige, see if they want to join in the fun on saturday....and pick up that program from Alex.....

I hate talking on the phone

Funny thing about that is, I have to call people this week. Don't like calling people, particularly people I don't know. Anything else that's going on? hmm....so much to say. Gonna have that get-together on Saturday, need some more people to come, though. But that's nothing. Big thing that's going on? My mom found this site, read my blog. To make it short, my counselor is sending me to see a psychiatrist. what for? you guess. Thing is though, I don't want pills, a medically induced happiness, that's how I see it. Call me ignorant if you want to. Don't really care. I'd rather my problems be solved the way I want them to be solved. You know what I'm talking about. If I have to wait for it, well, damn, I'll just wait for it. Even if it never comes. But I don't want to take pills. Happiness isn't found in a bottle.

"Misery, misery, misery, that's what you've caused"

Quote from the first Spiderman movie. Emphasis on the first three words, because that's how I've been feeling. Yesterday, I spent the whole day at Carowinds with my youth group. Puttered around there for a while, then the concert was at six. Thousand Foot Krutch, Relient K, Day of Fire (new band, they're not bad), and Audio Adrenaline. We left after that, got home around 1:30am. I cried on the bus coming back. No one noticed, not even the girl sitting next to me. I cried driving home. I cried sitting in my driveway. I cried when I went to bed. I was hurting so bad inside. I still feel that pain now. Now, can you read between the lines here? If not, I'll read it for you.
Being in such a public place, watching all those people, that would be enough to get me depressed by itself. That was aggravated by the fact that the vast majority of the girls there were wearing bikini tops, I mean, heck, it's part water park, why wouldn't they be? And most guys would be thrilled to be there, for that very reason. So why not me? Haven't you noticed that I have rather ambiguous feelings when it comes to this subject? Okay, yeah, I admit that as a guy, I do like seeing these hot girls running around like they are. But, it is extremely depressing at the same time. The whole "you can look, but don't touch" and if you look you're still considered a perv. Correct me if I'm wrong, but girls don't like anyone but hot guys checkin' them out. And yet, as I understand, girls WANT their boyfriends to notice how beautiful they are, that's one of the reasons they spend a lot of time trying to look good. Oh, what a line that separates the two situations. An uncrossable line, for me, it seems. Seems to me, there will never be a girl that wants ME to give her that kind of attention.
*sigh* It's not like I'm asking for the Statue of Liberty to be put in my front yard. Lots of people have what I want....is it too much to want something like what they have? Is it really all that much? Or am I breaking the status quo, rising above my place in society? Am I not supposed to get what I want, this one thing, just because certain elements of society say I'm not good enough? Brittany told me to just stop caring about it, said when she stopped caring about guys, that's when they started asking her out. Sorry to say that I can't. Honestly and truly, that's the face I put on in public, that I have no problems, that I'm not concerned about that. All of what I post on this site, that's private. I only share this with people I trust. I am who I am. I don't want to put on a front, pretend to be someone I'm not. I don't respect people who do that, and so I wouldn't be able to respect myself. So depression's one of my quirks. I'm not always depressed. Most of the time, I'm not. I'm a very humorous person, most of the time. And it's not hard to get me out of a depressed mood. I'm not going to change myself. This is who I am. Accept that. There are people out there who could love someone like me, it's just a question of whether or not I will ever find them, and if I could love them. oh, wow. it's the song that made me cry so hard. the lyrics are so powerful, so true. I'm listening to it right now. "A Shadow On Me" by Project 86. The chorus goes something like this: "Can you see a shadow on me, calling me to leave? Find in me a trace of you in all this tragedy." The last part, they sing something else: "Can you see the shadow lifting, drifting home again?" I wish so bad that someone could chase away the shadow covering me. The darkness in my life is so thick, I'm scared that no light could ever get through. I know of one that can, but I despair of finding it. Do you know? Love.

here we go again

I'm talking to Audrey again. learning more and more. She agrees with me, with what I said last time. talking about trust this time, I will not forget to save it. she said she trust me. One of the few people outside her family. I'm glad she does. If anyone reads this, please, pray for her. I want her to be able to live life without having to hide her heart behind an armor shell. I want her to know what being loved, and loving, is like, to know what it's like to be surrounded by friends that you trust completely. I was once like her, before Sept. 2003. Now, I know what all that is like, and I would NEVER go back. I want her to be able to see what life is like beyond the armor. I think I know now why she's not interested in getting into any relationships with guys....probably doesn't trust them, because her dad has broken so many promises. I hope she gets past that, and learns what it's like to have that love. heck, I wanna know what that love is like. DAMN!!!!! forgot to save it! it's a conspiracy! I guess my posts on here will have to serve as my notes on the conversations. I need to get Jen in on this....she's our only close mutual female friend. gotta get that perspective. You know, when I'm helping people, I feel better. I don't have to focus on my own problems. It was that way at the forensics camp. I was talking to Stephani about her probs with her boyfriend (now ex), and that was one of the few times when I was completely free of my depression.
I'm going bowling tomorrow, hope I did as good as I did last week. 176, 189, 182, that's last week's scores. then I'm going pawnshopping with Jordan. Hopefully there's some good deals out there.

long weekend

Had to work Friday, Saturday, and Sunday nights. Busy. Particularly last night, being the Fourth. Heck, I'm doin okay right now. Reading "This Present Darkness" by Frank Peretti, really good book. Aiee, gotta get dressed, eat lunch, I just spent fifteen minutes on hold on the phone trying to get a hold of Jessica to see if she could work for me, but she can't so I'm gonna have to take Shannon up on his offer, wish I didn't have to, he's only a trainee, but he said he would if I couldn't find anyone else, and since three other people are out of town this week, it was only him and Jessica that could possibly cover for me. Food time, I'm shutting up now.

REALLY late night....

I know I shouldn't be on this late, but I'm worried about Audrey. she's going through alot, she opened up and talked to me. She talked about how she always worries about her dad, stays up half the night wondering if he's alive. Then she says that she's heartless, doesn't care about people, says they can all go to hell for all she cares, save for a few family exceptions. It seems she doesn't want to be that way though. That's why she wants to be a nun. She thinks that's the only way she'll be able to learn to care about others. I feel so bad for her. I know from experience that learning to care cannot be gained through any sort of career or anything external, really. It is an internal choice. I told her that, I hope she does think about it. I'll try to talk to her more. however (damn it), I forgot to save the conversation on MSN. oh well. she makes sense to me now, at least. I understand why she is the way she is. she doesn't appear to have an emotional side because she buries it. Not a good thing. I pray to God that I'll be able to help her like Josh I. helped me. He's the one who taught me to give people a chance, to talk to them, to CARE about others. he may not realize it, but he did.
I gotta go to bed, it's so late...almost 1am.
Oh, and on a side note, that pic was taken where we were staying near Branson.

that's me new look....still don't look very good, but it's an improvement, trust me.