"Misery, misery, misery, that's what you've caused"

Quote from the first Spiderman movie. Emphasis on the first three words, because that's how I've been feeling. Yesterday, I spent the whole day at Carowinds with my youth group. Puttered around there for a while, then the concert was at six. Thousand Foot Krutch, Relient K, Day of Fire (new band, they're not bad), and Audio Adrenaline. We left after that, got home around 1:30am. I cried on the bus coming back. No one noticed, not even the girl sitting next to me. I cried driving home. I cried sitting in my driveway. I cried when I went to bed. I was hurting so bad inside. I still feel that pain now. Now, can you read between the lines here? If not, I'll read it for you.
Being in such a public place, watching all those people, that would be enough to get me depressed by itself. That was aggravated by the fact that the vast majority of the girls there were wearing bikini tops, I mean, heck, it's part water park, why wouldn't they be? And most guys would be thrilled to be there, for that very reason. So why not me? Haven't you noticed that I have rather ambiguous feelings when it comes to this subject? Okay, yeah, I admit that as a guy, I do like seeing these hot girls running around like they are. But, it is extremely depressing at the same time. The whole "you can look, but don't touch" and if you look you're still considered a perv. Correct me if I'm wrong, but girls don't like anyone but hot guys checkin' them out. And yet, as I understand, girls WANT their boyfriends to notice how beautiful they are, that's one of the reasons they spend a lot of time trying to look good. Oh, what a line that separates the two situations. An uncrossable line, for me, it seems. Seems to me, there will never be a girl that wants ME to give her that kind of attention.
*sigh* It's not like I'm asking for the Statue of Liberty to be put in my front yard. Lots of people have what I want....is it too much to want something like what they have? Is it really all that much? Or am I breaking the status quo, rising above my place in society? Am I not supposed to get what I want, this one thing, just because certain elements of society say I'm not good enough? Brittany told me to just stop caring about it, said when she stopped caring about guys, that's when they started asking her out. Sorry to say that I can't. Honestly and truly, that's the face I put on in public, that I have no problems, that I'm not concerned about that. All of what I post on this site, that's private. I only share this with people I trust. I am who I am. I don't want to put on a front, pretend to be someone I'm not. I don't respect people who do that, and so I wouldn't be able to respect myself. So depression's one of my quirks. I'm not always depressed. Most of the time, I'm not. I'm a very humorous person, most of the time. And it's not hard to get me out of a depressed mood. I'm not going to change myself. This is who I am. Accept that. There are people out there who could love someone like me, it's just a question of whether or not I will ever find them, and if I could love them. oh, wow. it's the song that made me cry so hard. the lyrics are so powerful, so true. I'm listening to it right now. "A Shadow On Me" by Project 86. The chorus goes something like this: "Can you see a shadow on me, calling me to leave? Find in me a trace of you in all this tragedy." The last part, they sing something else: "Can you see the shadow lifting, drifting home again?" I wish so bad that someone could chase away the shadow covering me. The darkness in my life is so thick, I'm scared that no light could ever get through. I know of one that can, but I despair of finding it. Do you know? Love.