fast forward?

I need a fast forward button for the rest of this week. Maybe for next week too. It's just going to suck. Basically, I don't get to see Megan for the next two weeks except for the mornings that I walk with her to class. Why? Because she doesn't have time for me. I understand about her plans tonight. I understand about her class that starts next week. I understand that it's my plans on Sunday evening that messes up that night. I guess the hardest thing for me to accept is that she would rather watch a TV show than spend time with me tomorrow night when she knows she won't get to see me for a while.

I guess tomorrow night is the worst, because I agreed to leave the room for a few hours so that Mike and Tova can have it to themselves. What the hell am I supposed to do with myself for three or four hours? Friends? What friends? I've never been one to socialize much, so while I don't have plans, the few friends I have on campus do. Of course, none of my friends on campus are people I just "hang out" with. If we get together at all, it's for something specific. I don't even have DnD nights anymore. Close friends that I do have don't live anywhere near here. Last time I left the room, I walked around campus. I'll probably just do that again. Walk around until I collapse. Yay.

*sigh* I feel like shit.

the purpose of my blog

Why keep a blog? Why did I start? I guess it was a "jumping on the bandwagon" sort of thing. Talking to Joe and Serena from California, they had blogs on Blogger, so I got one as well. I started putting my journal stuff on here. I'd had a journal since October 2003. It started out as a letter to my future children, should I have any. A bizarre concept, true, but I did have good intentions. Basically, I wanted them to see that I really was their age at one point, that I got depressed, felt rejection, etc, just like they probably will at some point.

Eventually, I stopped writing it as if it were a letter to them, specifically. It basically became a normal journal. So, why do I keep a journal? Megan's really the only one that reads it. I can think of two reasons why I keep doing this.

First, I don't want to forget. I want to record as much of my life and thoughts as I can so that I don't forget where I've been in life. Sometimes you want to remember something from the past, but have no way of refreshing your memory, you know? I wish now that I had written more about Megan when we weren't dating. I mean, we went to lunch every week, studied together for tests, and sometimes got together for movies, but she is hardly mentioned until we started dating.

The second purpose is to try to understand myself. When you ask someone how they feel or what they are thinking, half the time you get the response "I don't know". That's because thoughts fly through your mind faster than you can talk. I can think a sentence before I can get to saying the second word. But when I write, I'm forced to slow down my thoughts and study each one as I type it. By lingering on my thoughts, it becomes easier to see patterns and reasons behind those thoughts. I'm pretty sure I understand myself for the most part. There is only one thing that I do not understand about myself, and it irritates me. It's become an obsession of sorts...but it's not something I can talk to people about. If I don't understand it, they certainly won't.

Can we say...

Exhaustion? I feel dead...dead as in, call the coroner now. Why, I don't know. It just came over me a few minutes ago.

So, yeah, new semester, working in the lab, still working at Marketfair on weekends. That may change though. I need to see about taking a leave of absence till Christmas or something. I'd like to work more during the week at the lab, because I can get more money, but it would be up in the 217 lab, and I could just work on homework. I have four research papers and a presentation, all due within the next two and a half months. Then there's the volunteer hours which I may or may not have to put in.

You see, I called the Financial Aid office to see if I had to put in a certain amount of hours of community service for my scholarship that Campbell gave me, because Mike told me that I didn't have to. They said they don't know if I do or not, that they don't deal with that sort of thing, and that they don't know who would know. Then they hung up. B@stards.

So, I'm getting my volunteer hours from the animal shelter. The problem is, I can only volunteer there Saturday mornings. However, after working until 2am or 3am the previous night, I really don't feel like getting up after only 3-4hrs of sleep to go volunteer till it's time to go back to work, where I put in another 10-12 hours. That kills my weekends, because I end up sleeping till noon on Sundays, get up, have lunch with the folks, and come back to school. I just can't handle a weekend job, as much as I need the money. Unfortunately, I can't get more hours at the lab because there's not enough in the budget. Finding another job on campus during the week will be extremely difficult, and I probably wouldn't be able to work on homework anyway.

On to other things, since I have nothing better to do right now. Hmm...I am not capable of thinking of other things to write. I am too tired. I might just give in and go down and get a caffeinated beverage from the vending machines. I think that's what I'll do.