A bit of musing...

On my walk over to the library, I sort of fell into one of my contemplative moods. The topic tonight? My place in the world. Obviously, I'm not going to come to the answer overnight, but I'd at least like to write down my thoughts.

As frequently occurs, a movie quote popped into my head. Unfortunately, I can't quote it by heart, but the gist of it is as follows. In The Two Towers, Pippin says to Merry something like "It's too big for us. what can we do in the end?" This thought pattern is the curse of those who want to do something to change the world, but simply cannot. People who know that the world has problems, people who recognize what those problems are...many people are plagued by a sense of insignificance and inability. I am one of them.

To be completely honest (although by now, I suspect you know this about me), the problem with the world is other people. It's a rather egocentric thing to say, I know. But think about it. How many of society's problems are caused by those people in power who aren't thinking of the common good? How many problems are caused by people who are thinking of the common good, who honestly want to improve the lives of others on a massive scale, but aren't going about it the right way?

A disturbing truth was pointed out in "Wicked: The Musical": Most leaders aren't leaders because of their intelligence and personal maturity. They are leaders because they are popular. They have "charisma". Charisma is dangerous in the hands of someone who lacks intelligence and maturity.

I guess, before I go any further, I should define these two concepts. Intelligence, I think, is self-explanatory, though I should say that I'm referring to well-rounded intelligence, not just subject specific intelligence. Maturity is a lot of things. Part of it is experience, but that's usually never the problem. True self-confidence is necessary, and it stems from the ability to admit that you're wrong without feeling that doing so makes you a lesser person. That's also known as open-mindedness. I think that's where we've nailed the problem. Oh, sure, leaders are "confident"...but they also hate to be wrong. In fact, they usually refuse to consider it. This is just one symptom of a broader disease that infects all of humanity: Selfishness.

Selfishness is not just thinking of yourself before others. It is viewing yourself as more important, even to the extent of refusing to consider others entirely. This not only applies to physical/material needs, but also to opinions and feelings. I'm referring to people who have to be right, who feel that if someone tells them they are wrong, it is an attack on their character. It truly frightens me, the number of people out there who are like this. Of course, confront them with this viewpoint, and they will immediately deny it, because people don't like to look at their faults. They would rather believe they have no faults.

So now, back to me. Confronted with all of this selfishness in the world, not to mention in myself, I come close to despair. It's been hard enough to change myself, and I'm still not done. Even as a counselor, where I will help people become mentally and emotionally healthy individuals, how much can I really do? I want to do more, but I think I can't, and the enormity of the task overwhelms me. Should I write a book about this? I could, but the people who would need to read it the most never would, because, as I said a second ago, they "have no faults". It makes me want to give up on this world and take the chance that there is an afterlife. I know I can't though. Too much of me doesn't want to give up. Too much of me wants to live for those few that I can impact. Perhaps if I cleverly disguised it in fiction...

So, yes, I've started a story...kinda. More like I've written a scene. Synopsis? A group of psychologists have studied the factors that determine why people form relationships with certain people. This, of course, has been done many times. It's the similarities that matter the most. Opposites don't form lasting relationships. This group, however, believes the factors to be too superficial. They believe in a "human essence" that is in all of us, that could allow us to connect with anyone. What would it take to get two very dissimilar strangers to bond to each other, then? They embark on a highly unethical and criminal experiment, kidnapping two young adults, a guy and a girl, and through various physical and mental tortures, try to force them to bond to each other of their own will. I'm aware that I contradicted myself. Let me try again. They hope that by suffering together, the two will bond over their shared experience, one seeing the humanity of the other and recognizing that superficial issues shouldn't matter...only that they are human, and to survive in this world, they must care about their fellow humans, no matter who they are.

And I'm losing my train of thought and becoming incoherent, so I'll stop. Perhaps if you ask, I'll give you a reading of the monologue by one of the characters that explains this better.

consistency

I have none. That said, I shall now expound further concerning my life, in order to satiate your, well, insatiable desire to hear about it. And yes, I'm aware I'm full of crap. That's why I don't smoke...I'm so full of crap that if I did, the resulting explosion would make a crater big enough for an Olympic-sized swimming pool. No wonder the military is trying to get me to enlist.

But seriously, folks...I have plenty of work to be doing, but I'm not doing it. Oh, I always plan to get things accomplished, but I always get distracted. I've wondered for a long time if a bit of Ritalin wouldn't help things. But let's not focus on my many deficiencies.

Now that I've gotten "To Zanarkand" down pretty good (on the piano, of course), I'm going to try to learn "Via Purifico". Seems like a more difficult song, but it's not as long. The Atlanta convention is coming up soon, and I still need to get that other song recorded. Not to mention my volunteer hours need to be done, then there are the remaining papers and the presentation on Herman Melville...okay, I'm back to the subject of my character deficiencies, and I guess it won't go away until I confront them. So...here's my list:

Nov. 6: Powerpoint on Herman Melville and "Bartleby the Scrivener"
Nov. 13: American Lit research paper due
Nov. 16: Developmental research paper due
Nov. 14: Theories research paper due

Those papers are 5-page papers, not that bad. I've already done research on Am. Lit. and Theories. And here comes the procrastinator's motto: I'll get started tomorrow!!

Other news...Megan asked an unfair question of me the other night. She asked me that if I suddenly became a quadriplegic, had to spend the rest of my life in a nursing home, and I could only have one person visit me for the rest of my life, who would it be? How many of you know what answer she was looking for? Probably all of you. Now, how many of you know what my answer was? Probably none of you. Anyways, I refused to answer the question. I told her that I refuse to be made to pick between the people that I care about. She was upset, but eventually realized that she shouldn't have asked me that question, that it was inappropriate.

Other things...I'm trying to organize some friends to go to the Jars of Clay concert in Fayetteville. We'll see how that goes. I'm going to buy a new poster for my room, but I can't decide which one. Should it be Airplane, Spaceballs, or Office Space? Well, I think Office Space is out...the poster is too big for where I want to put it. The other two are really small posters...11x17, but they're $20 a piece...the Office Space one is only $9. I'd need both the former posters to fill up the space that I want. Why can't they make more horizontal posters? Well, not to worry...I went on eBay and found the small posters for cheaper...half the price, in fact. But, I do want to go back to my room and make sure they'll fit before I buy them.

Oi, twenty minutes left...what to do...

what's wrong with me

I seem to be falling behind on my posts again. The situation with Megan is working out well. I see her on Sunday evenings, walk her to her first class monday, wednesday, and friday, and have lunch with her on thursday. SO, what else has been happening?

Well, I took Megan to dinner for her birthday, we went to Miyabi, came back to my room, changed out of our nice clothes. Then I gave her her birthday presents: the CD that I made, and a copy of my journal. Then we hung out for the rest of the evening. This past Thursday, she managed to injure her left foot (she broke her right foot just before coming to Campbell). Thankfully, it was just a sprain, but I was in Fayetteville when she called me to see if I could take her to get it X-rayed. I couldn't make it back in time (she had to get it done and be back for her 6pm CNA class), so I called Faith and asked her if she would do it. She agreed, then I came back to campus and waited for them to get back. I took Megan to her CNA class that night and sat in my car reading my new Pearls Before Swine book. She called me when she was done, and she couldn't make it down the stairs with her crutches, so a police officer who was taking the class gave her a piggyback ride all the way to my car.

I went home with her this past weekend. We went to her high school homecoming, and after a couple of hours, she was exhausted because she's not used to hobbling around on crutches. So, we spent all of Saturday at her house watching movies and stuff. Amanda came by with her new boyfriend, Sparky, whom no one likes (btw, I just found out this morning that they broke up because he's being arrested for sexual assault against his ex-wife). Sunday was church, came back to school, etc.

That's the important stuff. I've got so much crap to do this semester, and it's all because of the American Lit. class I'm taking. It contributes nothing of value to my education, nor betters me as an individual, so why should I have to take it? To aggravate my problems, it seems that the professor is not aware that we have other classes, so she feels compelled to pile on assignments every day. I'm really behind, but I'll try to catch up this week.

I'm pretty nervous about the convention. I'm going to try to record "Hymn" to replace "Flood" on the CD, and then I have to record the accompaniment CD. I'll probably sing "The Scientist" at the convention.

Ugh...I'm tired. Wish I could take a nap. Haneman is, well, obsessed, and I guess she expects us to be the same way. Do you want to see what one day's homework is like from that class?

1. Read Winthrop’s account of Roger Williams and Anne Hutchinson: 160-164
Write a short response – ½ page to the plight of one of these early Puritan outcasts
2. Read introductory material: 357-367 [1700-1820]
3. Read re/ Jonathan Edwards: 384-386/
4. Read Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God 425-509
List the images he uses to characterize God’s wrath
List the language he uses to indicate the depravity of man and his precarious position
What is Edwards’ thesis?
5. Read Hawthorne’s Young Goodman Brown 1289-1298
List the elements of the wilderness Hawthorne develops
Make a list of binary opposites [at least 10 pairs] [eg. dawn/ dusk]
Select one pair of binaries and write a 1 page meditation on a theme in the story.


Keep in mind that that is just ONE day's assignment. We get two of these a week. It's absolutely ridiculous. The only thing I learn from literature classes is how NOT to write and what NOT to read. I hope that I don't have to take her for American Lit. II. As long as I get a C in this class, I'll be happy. Stupid crackhead English teachers. Mike better not be that way if he becomes one.

fast forward?

I need a fast forward button for the rest of this week. Maybe for next week too. It's just going to suck. Basically, I don't get to see Megan for the next two weeks except for the mornings that I walk with her to class. Why? Because she doesn't have time for me. I understand about her plans tonight. I understand about her class that starts next week. I understand that it's my plans on Sunday evening that messes up that night. I guess the hardest thing for me to accept is that she would rather watch a TV show than spend time with me tomorrow night when she knows she won't get to see me for a while.

I guess tomorrow night is the worst, because I agreed to leave the room for a few hours so that Mike and Tova can have it to themselves. What the hell am I supposed to do with myself for three or four hours? Friends? What friends? I've never been one to socialize much, so while I don't have plans, the few friends I have on campus do. Of course, none of my friends on campus are people I just "hang out" with. If we get together at all, it's for something specific. I don't even have DnD nights anymore. Close friends that I do have don't live anywhere near here. Last time I left the room, I walked around campus. I'll probably just do that again. Walk around until I collapse. Yay.

*sigh* I feel like shit.

the purpose of my blog

Why keep a blog? Why did I start? I guess it was a "jumping on the bandwagon" sort of thing. Talking to Joe and Serena from California, they had blogs on Blogger, so I got one as well. I started putting my journal stuff on here. I'd had a journal since October 2003. It started out as a letter to my future children, should I have any. A bizarre concept, true, but I did have good intentions. Basically, I wanted them to see that I really was their age at one point, that I got depressed, felt rejection, etc, just like they probably will at some point.

Eventually, I stopped writing it as if it were a letter to them, specifically. It basically became a normal journal. So, why do I keep a journal? Megan's really the only one that reads it. I can think of two reasons why I keep doing this.

First, I don't want to forget. I want to record as much of my life and thoughts as I can so that I don't forget where I've been in life. Sometimes you want to remember something from the past, but have no way of refreshing your memory, you know? I wish now that I had written more about Megan when we weren't dating. I mean, we went to lunch every week, studied together for tests, and sometimes got together for movies, but she is hardly mentioned until we started dating.

The second purpose is to try to understand myself. When you ask someone how they feel or what they are thinking, half the time you get the response "I don't know". That's because thoughts fly through your mind faster than you can talk. I can think a sentence before I can get to saying the second word. But when I write, I'm forced to slow down my thoughts and study each one as I type it. By lingering on my thoughts, it becomes easier to see patterns and reasons behind those thoughts. I'm pretty sure I understand myself for the most part. There is only one thing that I do not understand about myself, and it irritates me. It's become an obsession of sorts...but it's not something I can talk to people about. If I don't understand it, they certainly won't.

Can we say...

Exhaustion? I feel dead...dead as in, call the coroner now. Why, I don't know. It just came over me a few minutes ago.

So, yeah, new semester, working in the lab, still working at Marketfair on weekends. That may change though. I need to see about taking a leave of absence till Christmas or something. I'd like to work more during the week at the lab, because I can get more money, but it would be up in the 217 lab, and I could just work on homework. I have four research papers and a presentation, all due within the next two and a half months. Then there's the volunteer hours which I may or may not have to put in.

You see, I called the Financial Aid office to see if I had to put in a certain amount of hours of community service for my scholarship that Campbell gave me, because Mike told me that I didn't have to. They said they don't know if I do or not, that they don't deal with that sort of thing, and that they don't know who would know. Then they hung up. B@stards.

So, I'm getting my volunteer hours from the animal shelter. The problem is, I can only volunteer there Saturday mornings. However, after working until 2am or 3am the previous night, I really don't feel like getting up after only 3-4hrs of sleep to go volunteer till it's time to go back to work, where I put in another 10-12 hours. That kills my weekends, because I end up sleeping till noon on Sundays, get up, have lunch with the folks, and come back to school. I just can't handle a weekend job, as much as I need the money. Unfortunately, I can't get more hours at the lab because there's not enough in the budget. Finding another job on campus during the week will be extremely difficult, and I probably wouldn't be able to work on homework anyway.

On to other things, since I have nothing better to do right now. Hmm...I am not capable of thinking of other things to write. I am too tired. I might just give in and go down and get a caffeinated beverage from the vending machines. I think that's what I'll do.

Alternative energy sources and the complacency of the modern American

So, let's start today's rant with the topic of reliance on finite resources as fuel.

After doing some Google-ing, most reliable sources (as reliable as the Internet gets, anyway) say that if we find no more untapped oil, and consumption continues to increase at a 1.4% yearly rate, we will have exhausted the Earth's oil by 2056. The same article goes on to say, however, that the currently counted oil sources are those that do not have to be purified/filtered. That is, they function much like drawing water from a well. It is estimated that an additional fourteen trillion barrels of oil reside in rocks and tar pits. This is about 500 years worth of oil at current consumption rates. Unfortunately, methods for turning this "contaminated oil" into usable oil, while possible, are not really commercially feasible; that is to say, they're not cheap. However, in my opinion, considering the technology boom we've experienced in the last century, there shouldn't be a problem in fifty years, as we will have likely developed a cheap, reliable method of harvesting and using this oil.

So, if we have a few hundred years left of oil on this planet, why should we focus on alternative power sources? After all, constructing and maintaining alternative sources requires oil (transportation, certain petroleum based chemicals used in plastics, etc.). But think of it this way: using alternative, practically infinite resources (which I will discuss a few in a moment) will lower our need for oil, thereby extending the amount of time it will last. Also, (conservatives and Southern Baptists need to pay attention here) global warming is real. It has been accepted by the scientific community. Sure, these climate patterns have happened before, but that was before we started polluting the atmosphere. It is, in all probability, going to be worse this time around. Sure, it will probably take a few generations, but just because it may not affect us during our lives is not a good reason to ignore it. More on that later though.

Alternative sources of power. I'm sure you all know about solar panels. Well, I was going to try to find the article on Popular Science, but I can't find it on the website, and I don't have the magazine here. Anyways, here's the idea: using more efficient and more effective solar panel technology, an African energy mogul is building solar panel banks in the Sahara Desert. Simple, but brilliant. Few people live there, so there's plenty of space, and it gets some of the most sunshine of any place on the planet. Once the planned panel banks are in place, they will be producing enough power not only to power the countries in that area, but have enough that they are planning to export to Europe. This could be done in America as well. Huge chunks of land in Utah, Nevada, and other western states are uninhabited and government owned. As an alternative to increasing federal taxes, the government could simply lease this land to power companies as long as they agree to build and maintain the solar power facilities.

Another alternative is using ocean currents and the up-and-down motion of waves to generate power. I'm not as sure about this one, as there might be some unknown ecological impact, and then there's the issue of constantly being submerged in salt water, which is not the friendliest environment to most materials.

The third alternative, while a bit out there, is my favorite, precisely because it is so different. There is an untapped source of power on this planet that will last as long as the planet is rotating. The jet streams. They are constant rivers of air averaging about 70mph in speed that reside between 15,000 and 45,000 feet above the ground. How, exactly, do we use this source? Just like any other wind farm: turbines. They lift off the ground like a helicopter, and once in the the jet stream, their rotors change pitch, so that they sustain enough lift in the wind and simultaneously spin the turbines to generate power. A Popular Science article on this can be found at:
Popular Science article

Ah, the complacency of the modern American. That's a nice way to say it. We live in a "microwave" society; that is, we have come to expect instant gratification from our actions. No more outdated concepts of "planning ahead". It just "what happens, happens", external locus of control, party now, work later. Sure, this lifestyle is tempting. I've succumbed to it myself. For example, I recently ordered something over the internet, and I'm frustrated that it could take two weeks to get here. The problem is, it's infectious. It used to be that the American dream was working hard for a few decades and retiring in material comfort. Now it's winning the lottery.

Take the above issue of alternative power sources. I'm no tree-hugger, but I know that our rapidly expanding population is harming the environment. The problem with people, especially Americans, is that we ignore large-scale, global issues in favor of our own individual ones. So many special-interest groups, so little time. That's why I'd never get elected: I'd tell all these special interest groups to stop begging me for favors, and to get out there and convince the American public that their position is worth supporting, instead of trying to get me to enact legislation to force the public to support it.

The absence of a strong work ethic from our nation's young people is also hurting our country. I work in a movie theater. It's a minimum wage job for teenagers finding their first jobs (not my first job, by the way...just need the money, and it was the first place that hired me). How many of my coworkers work hard without complaining? I can only think of three. Many of them try to sneak away during a shift to eat or make phone calls instead of working. Teenagers today have no clue what they want to do with their lives. They're not inspired to work. They are content to have their nice cars, clothes, and cellphones provided by their parents. Meanwhile, Chinese and Indian children dream of working and being successful. Guess what? They're realizing their dream.

It used to be that foreign knock-offs of our technology were vastly inferior to ours. Now, they're better, particularly ones from Asian countries like China and India. Have you seen the Chinese version of the iPhone? The Apple iPhone just came out this summer, and they've already made a better one, and it's CHEAPER. Apple technology, the pride of America, has been bested by a Communist nation that used to be a little fart compared to America. Our consumer mentality has finally defeated the good, old-fashioned American ingenuity that used to characterize our country. The United States is no longer at the forefront of technology development. We place a tremendous amount of emphasis on health care for seniors and social security, but not nearly enough on the education of our young people who are the future of our country, and on providing technology-oriented jobs for them. These jobs are going overseas instead. We as a people are content to buy imported technology instead of making our own.

There is another aspect of the American mentality that is both a blessing and a curse. Individualism. It is a central concept in capitalism, which has made this country great and wealthy. But it carries in it the underlying message which is now being taught to young children in schools: everyone is special just for being who they are. Newsflash: You are not special just for existing. Genetically unique, but nothing more. You might be special to a few people, but this idea becomes bad when you start expecting complete strangers to treat you like you are "special". Teenagers and children often have the misconception (and I've been this way too) that no one could possibly know what they are feeling/going through. All these ideas of being special leads to selfish behavior. Yes, it's a natural tendency for all humans to be selfish pigs, but it seems to be worse in Western society. Young people expect everything to be provided for them. They don't want to work for it. They won't do something if it means not seeing a reward for a long time. They want it NOW. Sound like a toddler?

I'm just frustrated with the apathy and COMPLACENCY of Americans towards the decline of America as a world power. Don't you have any pride in your country? I'm sorry, I forgot: you're too embarrassed to admit you're an American just because we invaded Iraq. Get over it. This is your home, and our country has gone through worse times than this (remember the Civil War? that's pretty embarrassing). Don't assume someone else will do something to improve the course that America is on. Do what you can. For the most part, one person can't do much, but if everyone does something, a lot can be accomplished. Conversely, if no one does anything, because "one person can't make a difference", nothing gets done.

*sigh* I think I've run out of gas for now. Time to go build an atmospheric wind farm for a constant flow of power. But seriously, is it any wonder that the Muslims don't like Americans, when we have everything and aren't content, and they are perfectly happy with the bare essentials for a civilized existence?